Husband unemployed and not applying for jobs. How to manage my feelings?

[Anonymous]

I am starting to feel anger/frustration because its been 4 months since my spouse lost his job yet he hasnt sent out a single resume. He says its because he has extreme anxiety around interviewing and doesnt want to apply to just any job. As far as I can tell he spends most of his time surfing or watching TV. We don't talk about it because it quickly becomes a fight with him saying if I think he's a bum I should just leave him.

How would you approach this situation?

[Anonymous]

I have similar issues with my DH. It is so frustrating! He is self-employed and does a good job at what he produces, but he has trouble getting clients due to anxiety, and trouble working efficiently due to extreme perfectionism. Our HHI has taken quite a hit over the last 10 years. My nagging and resentment only made things worse.

My solution was to get into counseling to work through my feelings and choices. I've decided to stay in the marriage and focus on my own career, which at least is something I can control. DH is a great guy in many ways, despite this major failing on his part. I tried to get him to go to counseling but, alas, he won't go. Maybe your DH would be open to seeing a therapist? Counseling and possibly also medication could really help with his anxiety. This isn't an easy situation, I know. Maybe counseling for you could be helpful? It was for me.

[Anonymous]

Argh! Do you have kids?

If he wants to be a SAHD, fine, draw up a list of responsibilities and hand them to him.

I'll help get you started:

Laundry
Dishes
Home cooked meal every week day
Yard work
Bills
House maintenance/home improvement
Christmas/Birthday/Holiday shopping and gift-buying
Bathrooms!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have similar issues with my DH. It is so frustrating! He is self-employed and does a good job at what he produces, but he has trouble getting clients due to anxiety, and trouble working efficiently due to extreme perfectionism. Our HHI has taken quite a hit over the last 10 years. My nagging and resentment only made things worse.

My solution was to get into counseling to work through my feelings and choices. I've decided to stay in the marriage and focus on my own career, which at least is something I can control. DH is a great guy in many ways, despite this major failing on his part. I tried to get him to go to counseling but, alas, he won't go. Maybe your DH would be open to seeing a therapist? Counseling and possibly also medication could really help with his anxiety. This isn't an easy situation, I know. Maybe counseling for you could be helpful? It was for me.

This is my post. I wanted to add that my DH has picked up a lot of the SAHD chores. This has enabled me to focus more on my career. It isn't a perfect solution because I know DH's ego is bruised because he wants to be a better provider, but at least he is making a valuable non-monetary contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am starting to feel anger/frustration because its been 4 months since my spouse lost his job yet he hasnt sent out a single resume. He says its because he has extreme anxiety around interviewing and doesnt want to apply to just any job. As far as I can tell he spends most of his time surfing or watching TV. We don't talk about it because it quickly becomes a fight with him saying if I think he's a bum I should just leave him.

How would you approach this situation?

Men can suffer from depression, you know. It sounds like he's seriously depressed and you mostly only know how to make it worse.

Have you talked to him about what he wants to do? Acknowledged that his losing his job may not reflect adversely on him personally? That he might want to see a professional? That you're prepared to shoulder more of the financial responsibility for a while and that's what you signed up for when you married him?

[strongone]

Does he really need a therapist for this? Or just a swift kick in the pants? Sounds a bit extreme to me...

Anyway I have the same frustration with my DW. We've agreed she can stay at home, but so far, after losing her contract, she's mostly done nothing around the house nor looked for jobs. Not sure how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

My DH, too, was slow to react when he lost his job over a year ago. I resented him enormously because I did everything around the house while he pottered around doing practically nothing. Grrr.

But then he realized a job was not going to be handed to him on a silver platter and searched actively. Things are looking up and we are hopeful an opportunity will materialize soon.

The thing is, my DH suffers more from optimism and over-confidence than the reverse.
I can totally see how anxiety and low self-esteem would paralyze your DH - I have very high anxiety surrounding verbal presentations, interviews, etc.

Were I in his shoes, I would be terrified, but would do something about it.

Such as consulting a career specialist (not sure what to call them) and practice interviewing skills: they can tape him, play it back, analyze all the non-verbal and verbal cues he's sending, blah blah blah... it's extremely useful and boosts your confidence.

I also recommend the book "Landing the Job you Want, how to have the best interview of your life" (cannot recall the author) - interviewing exercises that helped my DH. He told me that his best interviews happened when he followed that book's advice.

Bite your tongue for now, and help him to help himself.

[strongone]

.

[Anonymous]

"Speaking as a guy, this is GREAT advice. The last part should be maxim for how to handle men."

True to some extent, but at some point there has to be some change on his part or it will tear about the marriage.

[Anonymous]

When I was laid off, at first, I understood how your husband feels. I took about 2 weeks off to relax from the stress of the previous job. I had been working continuously from the time I was 18 until age 44 (4 years part-time and 22 years full time). And the previous 7 years in one job where the last 2 years had become ultra-stressful. After detoxing for about 2 weeks, I had had enough and began actively searching for work, but it took me another 5 months to find a job. I did take over the household management and frankly, we ate a lot better than we had for years because I was home and able to cook better, healthier meals that we we often ate as a 2-income household.

The way that I suggest you handle this is to sit down and explain that you are worried about his job situation and how it is affecting you and your marriage in addition to how it is affecting him. Explain that you understand how difficult it is for him, but you need him to actively start seeking work by X date. And by actively seeking work, that means looking for jobs, sending out resumes and going on interviews. If he isn't getting any leads or jobs in his chosen field, then you expect him to start to broaden his job search to include jobs outside his chosen field. If he can't do this, then he needs to consider moving out and on (rather than you moving out, he, needs to move out). He cannot continue to live off of you. And as long as he is not working, it will be assumed that he will take over the household management as the homemaker. 20:49 has a good start. I would make sure that any list that you give him includes as the last line "Dealing with any other household issues as they arise". Then tell him that you won't mention this again until X (I would give him at least 2 weeks, but you have to decide what your tolerance level is here). And then leave him alone. He'll have to take care of the house and family duties until he finds a job, but he cannot continue to sit around only watching TV and playing games.

[Anonymous]

Make him a list?

I can only imagine how well it would go over and the names that would be called if a husband handed his wife a list he had made of what he expected her to do during the day.

He really needs to address the anxiety as it is preventing him from functioning and that is likely depressing him more. Is he open to talking to a doctor about it?

[Anonymous]

You should make a trade for the guy mentioned below who is wonderful, compassionate, and kind but only makes 75k a year. Sounds like his women is getting fed up with that.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat, but it has been 7 months. He does a little searching, but really not much and not like you would if you were really trying. He sleeps until noon or 1:00 if nothing wakes him, takes about 2 hours to "wake up", drink coffee, eat something....then contemplates doing something. If he does anything, it is in the narrow time frame of 2:30 to 5:30. After that it is time to have dinner with me and "relax"....because why? don't know....from his long stressful day????

Yes I am angry. I am freaking out. I don't earn enough to support us, so after unemployment runs out, we would be skirting with being homeless....we don't have much extra money at all and we don't make much to begin with. He is on antidepressants already (lexapro)....the ones that work for him....but they don't seem to help this....or maybe he would be worse. I have not known him to be a slacker before, so this is really confusing and terrifying for me, as you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

OMG -- NP here, and I could have written this post. My DH didn't search for work for years- and it really was the downfall of our marriage. We are divorcing now. He didn't help out more around the house, adn came to grow verbally abusive toward me and very lethargic, sleepign and drinking during the day.

Some people just dont have the same work ethic and desire to help support a family....

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain so much. My DH has been unemployed for the better part of three years "studying" for an entrance exam that he has yet to pass. In the interim, we had a baby and he is a SAHD. He doesn't keep the place all that clean, but he has started to cook.

I am getting close to losing it from the pressure of being the only bread-winner when I didn't sign up for this relationship. If anything, I had always wanted to be a SAHM and DH always talked a big game about getting a high-powered job.