What happens at an initial consultation with a developmental pediatrician?

[Anonymous]

OP, your child is hitting, biting, poking, licking people. This is not typical behavior and he is clearly very unhappy. That is the problem. The problem is not the teachers (yeah, they shouldn't be suggesting diagnoses, I agree, but it seems like they want you to get him help) or the specialists. Again, there are no villains here, just people trying to help.

Who knows what the problem is, but the problem is serious. It may be that the school is too rigid for him, but you need to find out why so you can perhaps get a better place for him.

While it seems true that your DC has been labeled a problem, it also seems true that he IS a problem. This is an aggressive, unhappy child and you better believe that the other parents view him with trepidation and the teachers are frustrated with how much work it is to keep him in line and from hurting the other children.

A bite is actually a serious medical issue and kids who are bitten by other children often have to take a round of high powered antibiotics if the bite draws blood. Preschools will generally kick children out who do this more than once. You are fortunate that the teachers are working with you to try to resolve his issues rather than showing you the door. If his behavior continues in this manner, you can expect other parents to lobby the school to do something about him.

Why you are so resistant to finding the cause and the solution to this problem is confusing to me. Everyone is wrong and out to get you and doing terrible things to you and your child while meanwhile you have a young son who is clearly suffering. That is the issue. Focus on that and getting him some help.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, take a big deep breath. I TOTALLY understand your anger and anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD and am medicated for both and I still feel pissed off at the world at times for what's happening to my kid. I am also so goddamned sick of talking to, coordinating info with, paying her team of experts. It's draining and expensive and most days disheartening. My best friend has a "perfect" kid very close to mine's age, so I get the jealousy thing, too. I even told her during the worst of it last year that I couldn't be around her for a little while. It just made me too sad. She gave me time, I cried a lot and now things are much better.

So. Since you have started this process, you need to begin dealing with your anger. Hearing from other people that one's kid is not "normal" is freakin' hard. If in fact he does end up with a diagnosis, try to remember that what you are dealing with is a body chemistry issue. It just is. He's still your little boy and he's still perfect to you. And there's nothing written in stone that says you have to accept the diagnosis, if in fact there ends up being one. Do your own research, question, question, question, and then go with your gut. BUT, try to make those decisions in the absence of anger and fear. It's hard. God I know it. We'll be thinking about you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks, PP. Great advice and I will try. And again, I don't mean to be disrespectful to parents of kids with ASD - it's just that it was so completely off base. While I do strongly veer towards wanting to be in denial, I know that something is off - but it's just not that. And she was so totally unqualified to even say that. On the drive home that night poor DH was like "do you think she has a point?" That alone made me want to punch her, because I knew the answer was no and the ped and neuro consult both totally dismissed that as a possibility. Just so not helpful and not even something we needed to think about. The reality is my DS is probably more ADD/ADHD, not that this silly woman would know the difference. And it's the people like her that make me worry about people labeling and stereotyping my child based on ignorance. I feel for all of you on here and I'm sorry if I'm coming off wrong. My first taste of all of this is leaving me reeling, quite honestly. I don't even know how you all do this.

What strikes me most about your post is this whole "team" thing. I'm trying really hard not to be negative about this stuff, but the idea that my kid will require some team of experts to manage him and his issues whatever they may be just kills me. I know it is irrational but that prospect, on top of this whole evaluative process, is just making me feel like a big fucking failure. I loved being a mom until about four months ago, and then it all started going to shit. Now, it feels like a job. The joy is just totally being sucked out of it for me. And I know that is wrong, too, and I'm trying to keep my brave face on for my son and not let him feel my anxiety, but it is really hard. I don't love him any less, and I don't blame him, and I'm not angry at him, but it does hurt, and I am scared, and it's really hard for me to hide it. I want to crawl in my bed and not come out.

Does this stuff end? I'm reading the posts here about the mom who is so burnt out and how hard it all is and just. . .yeah. I'm not cut out for this stuff at all.

PP, again. I hear you on the anxiety and the three jobs. I have put my career, which I genuinely loved, aside because altogether this stuff was too much for me to handle. Everybody's different--a lot of people find solace in their work. But my job was very demanding--too demanding for me anyway.

I think you need to remind yourself of the positives. Everything you thought and felt three months ago--it is all still true. Your kid is as great now as he was then. I bet I'd love him. Sometimes smart, funny kids have a hard time when they get to school and encounter other people's rules and other people's structure. Sometimes kids with attentional difficulties have a hard time processing a classroom, with so much input coming at them overwhelmingly fast all at once. Sometimes kids with anxiety are really overloaded when they are surrounded by so many people. My child is also totally different at home and at school. Most kids behave better at school than at home, right? Well a lot of people on this board can tell you that our kids behave much better at home--and this is a sign that they are struggling with something. If you can identify the specific areas of struggle, you know how to help your kid. I want to tell you that my child, who has severe ADHD and severe anxiety now LOVES school. I never thought I'd be able to say that, but I really can. Do I expect more trouble down the road? Sure, and I know it will make me anxious all over again, but I also know that we can get through it.

Re: the idea of a team... you know, it is more about trying one thing and, if it helps, sticking with it; if it doesn't, trying something different. In the process, you will hopefully find someone to guide you, maybe you already have. That is all I meant. It is a huge relief to have someone else shoulder some of the burden.

Listen, OP, try to deal with this one step at a time. My kid has pretty big issues and he is doing great now. I have a friend whose child bit his way through preschool and he is doing great now, too--no diagnosis. Try not to think of this as the beginning of the rest of your life but rather as a way to help your child be successful at preschool. If you can achieve that, a lot of positives will follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child is hitting, biting, poking, licking people. This is not typical behavior and he is clearly very unhappy. That is the problem. The problem is not the teachers (yeah, they shouldn't be suggesting diagnoses, I agree, but it seems like they want you to get him help) or the specialists. Again, there are no villains here, just people trying to help.

Who knows what the problem is, but the problem is serious. It may be that the school is too rigid for him, but you need to find out why so you can perhaps get a better place for him.

While it seems true that your DC has been labeled a problem, it also seems true that he IS a problem. This is an aggressive, unhappy child and you better believe that the other parents view him with trepidation and the teachers are frustrated with how much work it is to keep him in line and from hurting the other children.

A bite is actually a serious medical issue and kids who are bitten by other children often have to take a round of high powered antibiotics if the bite draws blood. Preschools will generally kick children out who do this more than once. You are fortunate that the teachers are working with you to try to resolve his issues rather than showing you the door. If his behavior continues in this manner, you can expect other parents to lobby the school to do something about him.

Why you are so resistant to finding the cause and the solution to this problem is confusing to me. Everyone is wrong and out to get you and doing terrible things to you and your child while meanwhile you have a young son who is clearly suffering. That is the issue. Focus on that and getting him some help.

My child is not generally unhappy. You don't even know my child. Thanks for bearing out my worst fears - people who don't even know him and will simply make assumptions. He has never bitten so hard that he has drawn blood and it is not a common occurence. But thanks for letting me know your diagnosis, not that it is worth much to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first, take a big deep breath. I TOTALLY understand your anger and anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD and am medicated for both and I still feel pissed off at the world at times for what's happening to my kid. I am also so goddamned sick of talking to, coordinating info with, paying her team of experts. It's draining and expensive and most days disheartening. My best friend has a "perfect" kid very close to mine's age, so I get the jealousy thing, too. I even told her during the worst of it last year that I couldn't be around her for a little while. It just made me too sad. She gave me time, I cried a lot and now things are much better.

So. Since you have started this process, you need to begin dealing with your anger. Hearing from other people that one's kid is not "normal" is freakin' hard. If in fact he does end up with a diagnosis, try to remember that what you are dealing with is a body chemistry issue. It just is. He's still your little boy and he's still perfect to you. And there's nothing written in stone that says you have to accept the diagnosis, if in fact there ends up being one. Do your own research, question, question, question, and then go with your gut. BUT, try to make those decisions in the absence of anger and fear. It's hard. God I know it. We'll be thinking about you. Good luck.

Thanks. I'm basically outsourcing the management of this to my DH. I am not equipped to handle this right now. I have gone straight into every negative place I can, I know that.

[Anonymous]

Uh, the above poster didn't give you a diagnosis. She/he said biting is serious.

I'm sorry, but this is what being a parent is all about. Sometimes it great, and a lot of times, its really really hard. Sometimes it sucks. People who seem ot have it perfect now wont at other times, and others may just go through life without any of these problems. There are kids out there who problems worse than yours.

This is a support board. We're on your side. If your going to lash out and be angry at us, that seems inappropriate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child is hitting, biting, poking, licking people. This is not typical behavior and he is clearly very unhappy. That is the problem. The problem is not the teachers (yeah, they shouldn't be suggesting diagnoses, I agree, but it seems like they want you to get him help) or the specialists. Again, there are no villains here, just people trying to help.

Who knows what the problem is, but the problem is serious. It may be that the school is too rigid for him, but you need to find out why so you can perhaps get a better place for him.

While it seems true that your DC has been labeled a problem, it also seems true that he IS a problem. This is an aggressive, unhappy child and you better believe that the other parents view him with trepidation and the teachers are frustrated with how much work it is to keep him in line and from hurting the other children.

A bite is actually a serious medical issue and kids who are bitten by other children often have to take a round of high powered antibiotics if the bite draws blood. Preschools will generally kick children out who do this more than once. You are fortunate that the teachers are working with you to try to resolve his issues rather than showing you the door. If his behavior continues in this manner, you can expect other parents to lobby the school to do something about him.

Why you are so resistant to finding the cause and the solution to this problem is confusing to me. Everyone is wrong and out to get you and doing terrible things to you and your child while meanwhile you have a young son who is clearly suffering. That is the issue. Focus on that and getting him some help.

My child is not generally unhappy. You don't even know my child. Thanks for bearing out my worst fears - people who don't even know him and will simply make assumptions. He has never bitten so hard that he has drawn blood and it is not a common occurence. But thanks for letting me know your diagnosis, not that it is worth much to me.

Plus, I just want to add that he learned to bite AT DAYCARE, FROM ANOTHER KID. The first day out of the baby room he was bitten. We worked hard to get that under control, but trust me - he has been bitten just as many times as he has retaliated. Should I have lobbied daycare to throw out every kid in his toddler room? Kids bite, and then we have to teach them not to. That is exactly what we did and what we have continued to do. It only happens now rarely and generally when he is around another aggressive child. It's not like my kid is out of control every minute of every day breaking things and hitting people constantly. Does he have some issues, especially in overstimulating situations? Yes. Is he a total nightmare 24/7? No. He is generally a pretty happy, sweet, smart and funny kid. I hope I don't know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please consider getting a therapist for yourself. Your posts scream of not just anxiety but anger. You are suffering and you can't be much help to your DS if you are this wound up. You very strong emotions might get in the way of understanding what you need to do for him.
Of course things are difficult right now. Your DS is having some kind of challenge and you don't know what it is so you don't know how to help him. This is pretty much the definition of a stressful situation -- problem with no obvious solution. But you need to keep your eye on the ball. Having the results of a thorough evaluation with suggestions for treatments and going forward is THE way out. When you have a plan, you will feel better. And you will be able to help your DS. Again, you may be viewing this backwards. The problem is what is happening now. The solution is in the experts that you are so afraid of.

All of us here in the SN section know the stress of a child who isn't being helped and we also know how much things can improve with the right interventions. Get your mind around that and things will better. The current situation is untenable for you.

Agree, OP, you sound really angry. I've been there. Not a good feeling. Talk to someone. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh, the above poster didn't give you a diagnosis. She/he said biting is serious.

I'm sorry, but this is what being a parent is all about. Sometimes it great, and a lot of times, its really really hard. Sometimes it sucks. People who seem ot have it perfect now wont at other times, and others may just go through life without any of these problems. There are kids out there who problems worse than yours.

This is a support board. We're on your side. If your going to lash out and be angry at us, that seems inappropriate

I'm sorry, but telling me my kid is unhappy is not supportive. Pointing out that biting is serious - as if I wasn't aware of that - is not supportive. And giving me the line about parenting being hard is not supportive. I KNOW this. Am I not allowed to be upset? If not, I'm sorry, I'll just shut up and go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please consider getting a therapist for yourself. Your posts scream of not just anxiety but anger. You are suffering and you can't be much help to your DS if you are this wound up. You very strong emotions might get in the way of understanding what you need to do for him.
Of course things are difficult right now. Your DS is having some kind of challenge and you don't know what it is so you don't know how to help him. This is pretty much the definition of a stressful situation -- problem with no obvious solution. But you need to keep your eye on the ball. Having the results of a thorough evaluation with suggestions for treatments and going forward is THE way out. When you have a plan, you will feel better. And you will be able to help your DS. Again, you may be viewing this backwards. The problem is what is happening now. The solution is in the experts that you are so afraid of.

All of us here in the SN section know the stress of a child who isn't being helped and we also know how much things can improve with the right interventions. Get your mind around that and things will better. The current situation is untenable for you.

Agree, OP, you sound really angry. I've been there. Not a good feeling. Talk to someone. Seriously.

I am, I am, okay? Sorry - being referred to five specialists in two weeks is a fucking awful feeling. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child is hitting, biting, poking, licking people. This is not typical behavior and he is clearly very unhappy. That is the problem. The problem is not the teachers (yeah, they shouldn't be suggesting diagnoses, I agree, but it seems like they want you to get him help) or the specialists. Again, there are no villains here, just people trying to help.

Who knows what the problem is, but the problem is serious. It may be that the school is too rigid for him, but you need to find out why so you can perhaps get a better place for him.

While it seems true that your DC has been labeled a problem, it also seems true that he IS a problem. This is an aggressive, unhappy child and you better believe that the other parents view him with trepidation and the teachers are frustrated with how much work it is to keep him in line and from hurting the other children.

A bite is actually a serious medical issue and kids who are bitten by other children often have to take a round of high powered antibiotics if the bite draws blood. Preschools will generally kick children out who do this more than once. You are fortunate that the teachers are working with you to try to resolve his issues rather than showing you the door. If his behavior continues in this manner, you can expect other parents to lobby the school to do something about him.

Why you are so resistant to finding the cause and the solution to this problem is confusing to me. Everyone is wrong and out to get you and doing terrible things to you and your child while meanwhile you have a young son who is clearly suffering. That is the issue. Focus on that and getting him some help.

My child is not generally unhappy. You don't even know my child. Thanks for bearing out my worst fears - people who don't even know him and will simply make assumptions. He has never bitten so hard that he has drawn blood and it is not a common occurence. But thanks for letting me know your diagnosis, not that it is worth much to me.

OP you came here asking for advice, and while some of it has been harsh you too have been harsh. I will be as honest as possible while still being respectful and understanding of your fears.

What you have described is NOT normal behavior. Im not sure what to make of it except that you need to be forthright and hoenst with your pedicatrician. Don't get defensive with anyone, they are only trying to help you and your child. It's not too often that a good specialist will get "it" completely wrong. What I mean is that your child may first be diagnosed with aspbergers, and later on have that DX changed to ADHD with sensory disorders. Point is, SOMETHING is going on with your DC. Go to your appt with an open mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, It'll get better. Everyone of us here have gone through a version of what you're going through with our own child or children in some cases. Some worse and some better.

It's ok to be angry. Vent away but "you gotta do what you gotta do" which in this club means taking your child to get evaluated and seen by many doctors.

Everyone is trying to help your child. Would you rather that the school not say anything to you? Obviously there is a problem. Even if you don't get a definitive diagnosis, you still have to deal with your son's behavior issues. You can stay angry about it if you want but focusing your energy on feeling sorry for yourself and being bitter about the cards life has dealt isn't helping anybody, not you and certainly not your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child is hitting, biting, poking, licking people. This is not typical behavior and he is clearly very unhappy. That is the problem. The problem is not the teachers (yeah, they shouldn't be suggesting diagnoses, I agree, but it seems like they want you to get him help) or the specialists. Again, there are no villains here, just people trying to help.

Who knows what the problem is, but the problem is serious. It may be that the school is too rigid for him, but you need to find out why so you can perhaps get a better place for him.

While it seems true that your DC has been labeled a problem, it also seems true that he IS a problem. This is an aggressive, unhappy child and you better believe that the other parents view him with trepidation and the teachers are frustrated with how much work it is to keep him in line and from hurting the other children.

A bite is actually a serious medical issue and kids who are bitten by other children often have to take a round of high powered antibiotics if the bite draws blood. Preschools will generally kick children out who do this more than once. You are fortunate that the teachers are working with you to try to resolve his issues rather than showing you the door. If his behavior continues in this manner, you can expect other parents to lobby the school to do something about him.

Why you are so resistant to finding the cause and the solution to this problem is confusing to me. Everyone is wrong and out to get you and doing terrible things to you and your child while meanwhile you have a young son who is clearly suffering. That is the issue. Focus on that and getting him some help.

My child is not generally unhappy. You don't even know my child. Thanks for bearing out my worst fears - people who don't even know him and will simply make assumptions. He has never bitten so hard that he has drawn blood and it is not a common occurence. But thanks for letting me know your diagnosis, not that it is worth much to me.

Plus, I just want to add that he learned to bite AT DAYCARE, FROM ANOTHER KID. The first day out of the baby room he was bitten. We worked hard to get that under control, but trust me - he has been bitten just as many times as he has retaliated. Should I have lobbied daycare to throw out every kid in his toddler room? Kids bite, and then we have to teach them not to. That is exactly what we did and what we have continued to do. It only happens now rarely and generally when he is around another aggressive child. It's not like my kid is out of control every minute of every day breaking things and hitting people constantly. Does he have some issues, especially in overstimulating situations? Yes. Is he a total nightmare 24/7? No. He is generally a pretty happy, sweet, smart and funny kid. I hope I don't know you.

Wow, I'm the PP (though not the PPs who have also posted after these posts) and if this is any indication, your anger really is out of control. Go reread my post. I never suggested a diagnosis. I certainly never made any assumptions. I was simply quoting back your original post. I never even said he drew blood, I just pointed out IF that happens it is serious medical issue, which is why preschools take it seriously. Yes, sometimes kids bite and sometimes kids hit in preschool. But when that happens the teachers will call in the parents and try to figure out what they can do to stop the behavior. They don't just let it go.

I never said your kid was out of control every minute. That kind of extreme take on my comments is why you are having trouble thinking through this in a helpful way. And I never said your child was unhappy all the time. Or a total nightmare. If this is how you communicate with the teachers and the professionals trying to help you, you will get nowhere. Clearly a child who is too anxious to sleep alone and is acting aggressively in school is unhappy. Those aren't the signs of everything going well. Its not clear to me why are you are so resistant to this. I don't know a single parent who doesn't at some point hit a point where they have to step in and address a problem. Some of us have to do that more than others, and yeah, it stinks. But not stepping in when there is a problem is far worse.

You hope you don't know me? Wow. The posters here are offering you the best advice and support they can. All of us have been there and done that, we've all had the talks from the teachers, the rounds and rounds of professionals. We've all been anxious and angry. I wish I had had some of the information and reassurance people are passing on in their posts. All I've written, over and over again, is that diagnosing and addressing a problem will make you and your DS feel better. It will improve both of your lives. Why you see this as an attack is beyond me. You have friends pestering you for every little stressful detail and yet you react to what I've written with this intense anger?

We've been pretty gentle. You have been a whirling dervish of hostility and anger and pain. We want to help you with the pain but you will have to stand down and let us in for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

So where am I supposed to start? Every developmental ped we've called is booked for the next three months. We've been referred to a sleep specialist, an OT, for an overnight EEG, and an early childhood education expert. The school has pointed out that they have resources. It has also been suggested that we explore whether his allergies and possibly sleep apnea could be a factor.

What do I do? Quit my job to manage his coming onslaught of appointments? Who do I call first? How do I explain to my three year old why he is at the doctor every other damned day and why his routine is constantly being interrupted? How do I explain to my well meaning friends and family that their questions are annoying and that, after dealing with this stuff all day I don't want to keep talking about it? How do I handle the fact that everyone in the peanut gallery of my kid's life has some theory or suspicion about his "problems?" I mean, really. I feel like I just had a shitstorm thrown at me with no guidance about what steps to take and when. Just - here's a bunch of names and numbers, good luck!

[Anonymous]

You will have to wait to see the developmental pediatrician like everyone else. Make the appointment now. In the meantime, ask the school for an evaluation. You are at a DC charter, right? My child is also at a DC charter that acts as it's own LEA and I was very happy with their evaluation. Speak with their special education coordinator if you haven't already b/c if there are issues, they will soon become your best friend. Also, your child will be assigned a Case Manager, who will also become you and your child's best friend.

In the meantime, make and go see all the other doctors. You will survive this.