What happens at an initial consultation with a developmental pediatrician?

[Anonymous]

How do I explain to my well meaning friends and family that their questions are annoying and that, after dealing with this stuff all day I don't want to keep talking about it? How do I handle the fact that everyone in the peanut gallery of my kid's life has some theory or suspicion about his "problems?"

Tell your family and friends that while you appreciate their concern, but it is stressing you out for them to keep asking, and you will get back to them when you have information that you are ready to share. For those in the peanut gallery, "Well, that's one theory, but we are going to rely on his physicians' opinions." The best thing to do is deflect and not engage.

[Anonymous]

The anger is part of the process. Many parents go through it. You just want to scream at the world, tell everyone to f off and go back to being happily unaware of any of this.

It is a brutal stage to be in, information coming from every side, feeling like no one really knows your child like you do but they are in control of your child's life, feeling like you can't cope. This will pass - as you get into all the appointments and learn more about the people, the process and the problems, you start to see it differently. Not saying it gets easier right away as sometimes sadness, guilt, fear, etc...comes when the anger leaves. If it starts to consume you or you are starting to not function then it is something you have to deal with right away

I am glad you have a therapist OP - keep talking, keep venting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The anger is part of the process. Many parents go through it. You just want to scream at the world, tell everyone to f off and go back to being happily unaware of any of this.

It is a brutal stage to be in, information coming from every side, feeling like no one really knows your child like you do but they are in control of your child's life, feeling like you can't cope. This will pass - as you get into all the appointments and learn more about the people, the process and the problems, you start to see it differently. Not saying it gets easier right away as sometimes sadness, guilt, fear, etc...comes when the anger leaves. If it starts to consume you or you are starting to not function then it is something you have to deal with right away

I am glad you have a therapist OP - keep talking, keep venting.

Thanks, you nailed exactly how I feel. I do plan to deal with it; I know I am not in a good place.

[Anonymous]

I'm a new poster. I just want to share with you, OP, that it DOES get easier and a whole lot better. My daughter started this process when she was about 1 1/2. We saw a dev ped, ENT, had early intervention teams coming to the house, we went to groups, we had 6 therapy appointments per week for about three years. Yes -- you heard that right -- one day a week, we saw TWO therapists, along with the other four days when we saw just one a day. Along with preschool. And along with all the "home interventions" I did to support the therapists, including the listenting program and other things. Oh, and I have another child who needed my attention once in a while.

It sounds like my child was more affected by her developmental issues than yours is, so I don't tell you this to scare you. Now she is 7, and in public school. Fully mainstreamed, with no therapists to see except an occasional appointment with the psychiatrist who prescribes her meds. (Yes, she needs meds -- but they really help her!!) She is doing amazingly. She loves school, her teachers love her, she has friends, and she has a future as bright as any other child.

I remember how hard it was to deal with the stares, judgment and questions from friends, family and strangers. You get used to it. You will get through this. Parenting is hard, especially with a kid who has issues. Some people DO have it easier. It's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP, get over yourself. Every person on this board has been through what you're going through. Most of us work full time, in demanding jobs that are not very family friendly. Many of us have other kids to deal with as well. I get that you're pissed of that you don't get to have the perfect life with the perfect kid, but you're a grown-up. It sucks, yes. But the sooner you accept your reality, the easier it will be on your kid.

There is no manual. We all have to wade through the process. Often, getting a diagnosis takes months, even years. But it is your JOB to seek out whatever experts necessary to diagnose and treat your child. Make the appointments and go to them with an open mind. The goal is to help your son in whatever way necessary so he can live up to his full potential. It may take doctors, and eventually many interventions.....or it may not. But right now, you are doing yourself, and especially your son a major disservice with your hostile attitude.

We are on this board dealing with kids that are 'less than perfect.' That doesn't mean they're not fantastic kids who can achieve many of their goals, and our goals for them. But the notion of perfect kid is something you need to part with, regardless of any diagnosis you receive.

[Anonymous]

Your child won't care about all the appointments. At his age he doesn't know that everyone else isn't going to these appointments all the time. Just tell him that day, we're going to see the breathing doctor for a checkup. Or the sleep doctor, or whatever. Don't bring your baggage to it. If you treat it like no big deal, he'll have no reason to think its a big deal. When my DC was young we referred to the developmental pediatrician as the play doctor, because playing was always a part of the appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously OP, get over yourself. Every person on this board has been through what you're going through. Most of us work full time, in demanding jobs that are not very family friendly. Many of us have other kids to deal with as well. I get that you're pissed of that you don't get to have the perfect life with the perfect kid, but you're a grown-up. It sucks, yes. But the sooner you accept your reality, the easier it will be on your kid.

There is no manual. We all have to wade through the process. Often, getting a diagnosis takes months, even years. But it is your JOB to seek out whatever experts necessary to diagnose and treat your child. Make the appointments and go to them with an open mind. The goal is to help your son in whatever way necessary so he can live up to his full potential. It may take doctors, and eventually many interventions.....or it may not. But right now, you are doing yourself, and especially your son a major disservice with your hostile attitude.

We are on this board dealing with kids that are 'less than perfect.' That doesn't mean they're not fantastic kids who can achieve many of their goals, and our goals for them. But the notion of perfect kid is something you need to part with, regardless of any diagnosis you receive.

Thanks, I'll just get over myself. Super helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks, I'll just get over myself. Super helpful.

Not the poster you quoted but not everything is about you. Really. Even if there is no diagnosis for your DC, you are giving us a very good idea of where the problems may come from.

[Anonymous]

OP, doesnt it help make it easier to see there are four screens of people who have dealt with this, and perhaps an even harder load that you have, and that they are ok? IF they can do it, you can do it? That its not the most impossible situation in the world? People wouldnt be responding to you if htey didnt want to help -- being saracastic and nasty back wont win you any friends.

[Anonymous]

The way to shut down the peanut gallery is to get an evaluation so you have an expert opinion on what is going on.

There are two themes to the responses here1) you really need to tone down the anger because it isn't helping, and (2) I was angry once too but got over it. Both themes point to the idea that your anger is a problem.

Keep in mind that all of us have kids with something going on, some of us with challenges far more serious than your DC's. So when you rail against THAT TERRIBLE THING THOSE TERRIBLE PEOPLE ARE PUTTING ON MY CHILD you are referring to us and our lives. Pay attention. Most of us are doing just fine and our kids are doing just fine -- you could learn from us. And it doesn't feel good to hear you screaming about how your child isn't our child. We've been pretty controlled in response to this.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea how that frowny face ended up in the middle of my post. Weird.

[Anonymous]

OP's posts are the closest I've seen of a nervous breakdown online. If her responses IRL to people trying to help her son are similar to her responses to people trying to help her online, she may have a point about people trying to "get" her. OP, you have to be polite at a minimum if you want people to help you and your son. Being sarcastic, mean and nasty turns people off.

[Anonymous]

I am reluctant to post information about our very wonderful developmental pediatrician because, to be honest OP, you have "mom is a nightmare" written all over you. She or he doesn't need the grief. And thats the other problem with your attitude. People won't want to go the extra mile if you scream in their faces about how everyone is out to get you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pp and I want to offer some advice on how to deal with the anger, OP. I went through a very bad, self-blaming period where I was an absolute bear. I was mad at every body. So, I used to drive my car to Rock Creek Park, turn it off and scream, "Fuuucccckkkk" at the top of my voice with the windows rolled up. Rinse. Repeat. I think I even hit the steering wheel a few times. I had many cries in the shower, too. At my therapist's suggestion, I wrote down every "bad" thought I had, read it and then threw it away. Things like, I've ruined our lives, you've (kid's name) ruined our lives, it'll never get better - it's only going to get worse, we will have to declare bankruptcy, etc. Things that I could NEVER say out loud and in fact probably didn't really believe, but were contributing to my anger and needed an outlet. You've got a lot of strong emotions in there bubbling up and you need to find a healthy way to let them out. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reluctant to post information about our very wonderful developmental pediatrician because, to be honest OP, you have "mom is a nightmare" written all over you. She or he doesn't need the grief. And thats the other problem with your attitude. People won't want to go the extra mile if you scream in their faces about how everyone is out to get you.

Oh, give me a break. You really think she is venting like this to the specialists? She is at the beginning of a very difficult process and is using an anonymous board to vent her feelings, just like we all have. Getting all judgy is not helpful.