I dislike and resent my DD
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Anonymous
I think you are going about it wrong. You shouldn't expect her to be NT. You should do some of those things without her, to expect it to be the same as with a NT child is older is ridiculous. Find things that she likes to do and that you can enjoy with her, as she is, and make time to do that every day. |
Anonymous
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There are boarding schools available depending on your child's needs.
In the meantime, all day preschool and if necessary a nanny in the evenings and weekends. Consider taking a break from therapy for a month or two or taking a break from one of the therapies and concentrating all efforts on the other. Sometimes making a gain in one area helps everything look more positive. Realize that even with NT kids the 3-5 age range is difficult. Meds for anxiety and depression for you. They won't make the situation better per se but they might make it easier to cope and they can have a numbing effect which can help you get through the days. |
Anonymous
Really good advice here OP. Don't try to keep on as you are. Take a break and use some of that $ and time to invest in you and DH or you and your other child. I may be off but is seems like you expected life to go on as it was before after you had invested a lot of time and $ in therapies. Sadly, it doesn't work like that. Replenish yourself and your other family relationships and when you are able to think a bit more objectively I think you will be able to see your way to a more healthy and balanced new normal. You sound totally overwhelmed and drained. If things like socializing with others is important to you (and to me isolation is very difficult), don't pretend like going with DD is likely to work if it doesn't. Get a sitter. You can't put you last and not be realistic and blame her. She is a sn child but also a toddler. You need to make it workable. Invest in yourself, take some time away, sign up for weekly yoga, take a long weekend with DH, whatever it takes. Then come back with the understanding that this is a big challenge, but that your DD needs to feel your love and acceptance even more than most kids. I made the same mistake of putting myself last and then pretending that if I tried hard enough things would be different. You have an intact marriage and money for therapies and help. You are actually very lucky. Be strategic and build from here. Your NT child has the gift of learning compassion for DD but first it has to be modeled by you. Where is your spouse on all this? Do you get the vibe that you are supposed to "fix" or "manage" DD so that she appears NT? Is your spouse also someone who describes themselves as "selfish"? If so, make sure that you have support and good role models from other SN parents and from therapists. It will be harder for DD to have friends, she needs her family more than most kids. Do you work? If not, that might be another thing to consider as a way to get you some life of your own. |
Anonymous
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This is supposed to be a SUPPORT forum. So to the poster who said, "Grow the f%$@ up," why don't you shut the f#@$ up or go elsewhere?
A previous poster said if there were a prenatal test for ASD she bet that most of our children would not be here. Some still would, but not most. Especially depending on how severe the ASD, the ASD characteristics are so difficult to manage even for the best and most knowledgeable parent. Life is hard for the parent of any child with severe disabilities. Sure, the child needs the proper resources to get help. But even with the best resources, ASD, especially if discovered after the age of two or three, is a tough case to improve. And the parents of children with disabilities need all the support the coaching and assurance in the world because they have the monumental task of taking full responsibility and care of a special needs child. Without providing the parent with that kind of reinforcement, they can not be the best parent to that kind of a child. I am very angry at the poster for lashing out at the OP who is appealing, very honestly, for help. She came here for help, not to be abused. Do you think with your response she will improve her situation or her child's life? OP, definitely seek counseling and support for yourself. See if you also need depression meds. It is very common for parents of special needs children to suffer from depression. Also consider respite care and take vacations. Consider getting a regular babysitter who is interested in special needs (maybe a college student studying this). Put your three year old in a stroller and go for walks. The exercise and fresh air and change of scenery may help. Also put your daughter in an aggressive program. Consider The Floortime Center where they have just started a new program to prepare preschoolers for regular school. It is apparently a comprehensive therapeutic program. This will not only give you a break but it'll be good for her. It's in Bethesda and run by Jake Greenspan. Good luck to you. I feel for you. You have my support. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have been where you are, and some days still am. So much for me was my expectations and my feeling that I had been cheated out of an experience. Life IS unfair, to you and to your DD. I tried feverishly to "fix" my DD, thinkng if it worked then we'd have the life I had expected. Instead we just lost years. I used to resent how hard it was or that the "good time" was minutes here and there and not hours or days. I also worried that my NT child was not getting what he deserved. That child is doing fine and is very compassionate.
It's so hard to strike the right balance as a parent and as a SN parent you have GOT to take care of yourself and consciously balance, otherwise you get too dragged down. A friend sent me the link below, and it resonanted with me on a good day (on a bad day it made me angry). You have 2 children, one is autistic. You cannot change those cards except to add more kids. What is the best life that you can make for everyone in your family being realistic about meeting your DD's needs? It was so hard for me, I am such a "fixer", I felt like I had failed and that I didn't know what role there was for me in the family. It took time and therapy to envision a different life and time away from DD to build myself back up so I could take steps to create that life for all of us. We're not there yet. You need to take time to grieve as well I think OP. I thought of it as "I can spend more years chasing an impossiblity and raging that I got the short end of the stick" but I would be failing my DD and robbing her of her entire childhood. You are a survivor OP, you reached out for help. Now work towards being a thriver and showing your kids what that looks like. Part of your feelings toward DD are fear and grief, work through those so you can get to the good stuff. Jake Greenspan is great, might be worth checking out the program. We worked with him years ago and I always felt both optimistic and realistic when leaving. Best to you OP. Daily exercise and regular "treats" of whatever guilty pleasure you enjoy can help make life look more doable. http://m.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/07/what-my-sons-disabilities-taught-me-about-having-it-all/260479/ |
Anonymous
| Hi OP- I'm in the same boat as you. I have a 3.5 yr old with ASD. I love her to death, but taking care of her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It makes it even harder that I don't have a support network. I truly believe that ASD is a medical disorder that is treatable. My DC has serious gut problems and when they are under control the autistic behaviors are so much improved. ASD is not a diagnosis, as much as it is a label based on 3 behavioral criteria. There is no biologic marker to make a real diagnosis, so autism behaviors can have different causes like dysfunctional immunity leading to gut dysbiosis, genetics like Fragile X or Rett syndrome, cerebral folate deficiency, food sensitivities, or mitochondrial disorders. I hope you are seeing a geneticist to identify possible genetic causes, and seeing a DAN! to get bloodwork and OAT done to determine possible medical conditions causing your child's symptoms. |
Anonymous
| OP - I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult space. I have a 8 yo son with ADHD and 4.5 yo twins. I suspect at least one of the twins will end up with an ADHD diagnosis. It is very difficult to eat out or to go to church. Friends have distanced themselves from us or don't invite us over. So many transitions are huge challenges for me with the kids. I am exhausted. I have heard dear, old friends make comments about my oldest son in whispers. I know our parenting is questioned. I don't pretend to know what you are going through, but know that you are not alone. A lot of us have had to make big changes in our lives and sometimes do not feel up to the challenges. |
Anonymous
| Try, if you can, to think about how having this challenge has made you a better person. I look back about at the things i angsted about before my SN kid and i seem so anxious, petty and not independent. |
Anonymous
| Resenting your daughter WILL make it worse. Accepting your daughter for who she is WILL make it better. Not perfect or great, but it will be a great step towards removing the self-pity and moving forwards. |
Anonymous
| NP here: 12:38, THANK YOU for that article. What a great piece. |
Anonymous
Another NP. Thank you! Much better than Holland or anything else I've read on being a SN parent. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
I strongly disagree that meds for depression have a numbing effect, ir at least of they do, they are the wrong ones for you. I have been on several anti-depressants and have felt the opposite of numbed. When my depression is treated I am more focused, have more energy and can actually think through and solve problems. This is the part of depression that people don't understand if they haven't been through it -- it has cognitive effects, it makes it much, much more difficult to process and solve problems. Everything seems hopeless, impossible to overcome. The right anti-depressants don't numb you, they eliminate the sadness AND the inability to think things through. Which is why I think the PP who lashed out at OP was way out of line. Maybe she's never hit that wall, in which case she should just keep her mouth shut because she isn't helping. OP doesn't need shaming, my guess is that she already feels pretty terrible about herself. What she needs is support and to get the right help. I posted earlier that if she doesn't take those steps, she isn't worthy of our sympathy. But unless she goes into that kind of denial, my heart feels for her and her daughter. Please get help. |
Anonymous
The resentment comes from feeling a lack of control and inability to manage an ASD child. This problem is manageable only with a very supportive network of people or at least a few people, lots of reassurance, encouragement, and educating oneself about the available resources. This problem is not managed by simply pulling oneself up by one's boot straps when they are already in the midst of great frustration and possibly depression. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
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I see you don't like your daughter, and I understand, there are many days I don't like my kids. but if you dig in deeply, do you LOVE your daughter?
A lot of our kids behavior issues are intertwined with our own behavior as parents. I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that these problems are in part, co-created. You each pick up on the others resentment, dislike and this only intensifies the problem. It's time for your family to budget for outside help. babysitters, counselors, programs outside of the house. Space from your daughter will give you better emotional resources and energy to deal with her. Counseling will help you learn to stay calm when things go haywire and give you much needed support. please take care of yourself and your daughter. |