I dislike and resent my DD

[Anonymous]

Yes, the NT sibs suffer. My non-autistic kid definitely does. On the other hand, I think she benefits from learning tolerance, flexibility, and patience. She will be a person who reaches out to those in need; she already does at school. She wants to work with children when she grows up and I can totally see her choosing to work with SN kids. She's an absolutely wonderful person and I think some of that is because of having to deal with my autistic child. Of course I wish I could make her life easier, but I wouldn't send my other child away to do it. She would like it for about 5 minutes and then she would miss her sib like crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think those of you advising OP to put her DD into foster care or up for adoption haven't thought about the fact that OP has another child. What does that other child learn when she sees her sibling sent away because she was bad (which is how she'll see it). I'm actually shocked that people are suggesting this. There are some really helpful suggestions in this thread -- therapy for herself and possibly meds, respite care, a behaviorist for her DD -- that she hasn't tried yet.

Well, have you thought about how the normal sibling feels on a day to day basis? My kid's bff has brother who is SN and she constantly complains about him, about how much time he takes up, and how her parents don't have any time for her because of him. She is very depressed about it and has told us that she wishes that he'd just go away. And she acts out on it too--hitting him and trying to get my kid to hit him too.
If this kid's mom (OP) is suffering, think about how the sibling might feel. He/she is probably suffering too. I think if his/her sibling needs to be institutionalized sharing why the decision was made would make it clear that it isn't something that would happen to her.
We also have friends who have institutionalized their sons because they were a threat to their normal daughter. Would you recommend that they not and have them physically hurt their sister?

Do you have a child with SN? Because your first example is incredibly offensive to those of us who do. You are suggesting that in this family the child with SN -- not violent, though his NT sibling apparently is -- should be sent away because the DD is depressed. Of course, the family has a situation to deal with and they need to attend to that daughter, but the idea that the problem is the mere existence of a SN child is the problem, and that existence needs to be wiped away for the sake of the sibling, is really offensive. And I'm the one who posted about how we shouldn't judge parents who terminate pregnancies. This is a live child.

And I won't even touch the use of the word "normal."

There are children who need to be in residential facilities for a whole host of issues if they can't be treated as outpatients. Your last example is probably one. But that is still not the same thing as putting a child up for adoption. I stand my post that making the troubling sibling "go away" PERMANENTLY can be really damaging to the other sibling. Especially when the parents have other options they haven't tried.

I was the NT sibling of two SN kids. If either of them had been put up for adoption it would have been seriously traumatic for me. I also have a SN child and an NT child. You have no idea what you are talking about.

sorry to offend...I didn't know what to call the non-SN child...is NT the right term?
Anyhow the SN brother is not violent, but he does do things like break toys by throwing them against the wall and uses his body weight to crush his sister. I wouldn't say the sis is violent either. I was mainly trying to say that she is frustrated by the situation. I just wanted some compassion for the NT child and what she has to deal with. Yes, it's hard for the parents, but the siblings suffer too.

He breaks toys? Really? That's a shocker, because I have a pile of toys that my two non-special needs boys have broken. Maybe they can get together. I don't get these posts. Siblings make each other miserable. To say that a special needs sib needs to leave the family on the say-so of a child?

I can't tell you how many times I wanted my brother sent away as a child. Too bad he wasn't "special needs" and some dumbass wasn't listening.

[Anonymous]

"Siblings make each other miserable."

Says it all. I use to "beat up" my brother all the time as a kid, broke his toys, made him cry - we're 17 months apart. Made his life miserable when we were little. Pretty typical for siblings close in age, NT and not...

[Anonymous]

It's not really the same thing with an NT sibling.

You didn't have to deal with hours and hours of hauling your sib to therapy.

You didn't have to deal with money troubles because so much money was being spent on therapy for a sib.

You didn't have to deal with a sib who might never be capable of a reciprocal relationship with you, or parents who were terrified about what would happen to your sib when they died. You were never put in a position where you knew you would the person to care for your sib when your parents died.

You never had to deal with your sib having a full blown meltdown in front of your friends at school.

You didn't have to deal with other kids asking you what is wrong with your sib and is he crazy.

You didn't have to deal with people staring at you in the parking lot because your sib is stimming and it looks weird.

You didn't have to deal with being forced to leave a movie theater before the end of the movie because your sib couldn't stop repeating the lines of the movie over and over in a loud voice and your mother was embarrassed.

You never had to deal with a stranger threatening to call the police on your father because he had to restrain your sib at the park during a meltdown. (Stranger thought the sib was being abused. Lord save us from helpful idiots.)

You didn't have to deal with guilt because you have friends and hobbies and will go to college and move out and your sib never will.

[Anonymous]

8:56 There are all kinds of SNs: I was born with a very rare neurological condition that made my childhood a long series of doctor and specialist appointments and many many surgeries as a child and adult. However, it had very little to do with my relationship with my siblings (who are NT) nor did I ever feel I was a burden or embarrassing to them. My condition does not affect behavior or cognitive ability.

So depends on the kind of SN. I'm sure many kids with SNs have normal sibling relationships...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really the same thing with an NT sibling.

You didn't have to deal with hours and hours of hauling your sib to therapy.

You didn't have to deal with money troubles because so much money was being spent on therapy for a sib.

You didn't have to deal with a sib who might never be capable of a reciprocal relationship with you, or parents who were terrified about what would happen to your sib when they died. You were never put in a position where you knew you would the person to care for your sib when your parents died.

You never had to deal with your sib having a full blown meltdown in front of your friends at school.

You didn't have to deal with other kids asking you what is wrong with your sib and is he crazy.

You didn't have to deal with people staring at you in the parking lot because your sib is stimming and it looks weird.

You didn't have to deal with being forced to leave a movie theater before the end of the movie because your sib couldn't stop repeating the lines of the movie over and over in a loud voice and your mother was embarrassed.

You never had to deal with a stranger threatening to call the police on your father because he had to restrain your sib at the park during a meltdown. (Stranger thought the sib was being abused. Lord save us from helpful idiots.)

You didn't have to deal with guilt because you have friends and hobbies and will go to college and move out and your sib never will.

Yes, true enough. No undermining this reality.

[Anonymous]

Not to undermine the clearly miserable experience of the NT sibling who wrote the above riff, but i feel this whole thread is taking a turn thats really not great for us parents that are doing our best to raise the SN kids we have (many of whom we didnt know would be this way when they were born and we still want to make the best possible life for them) and our NT kids. This thread has seemed to have taken a turn into abortion, and then veered into a long thread about how hard it is for the NT kids saddled with these siblings.

[Anonymous]

Please try:
http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346791571&sr=1-1&keywords=kazden

Maybe also try, finding a therapist:
http://www.behaviortherapycenter.com/BehaviorTherapyCenter/Welcome.html

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I suspect OP is long gone. Did she post again at all?

[Anonymous]

Saw this in the paper today and thought of this thread.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/autism-can-have-large-effects-good-and-bad-on-a-disabled-childs-siblings/2012/08/31/e35a82e2-b956-11e1-abd4-aecc81b4466d_story.html

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that reading this today was really helpful to me because I constantly feel guilty about similar feelings and have a hard time admitting it to myself. I know the postings veered off in a different direction, but I can really sympathize with what the OP said, and I think a lot of people can. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, and it's helpful to get it out. Probably she would never express something like this to her children -- or maybe even to her partner -- but on an anonymous board, she felt comfortable doing this.

I agree with the suggestions to get therapy, but I also think you have to just accept these feelings and stop beating yourself up for them. I go back and forth between feeling this way and then feeling terrible for feeling this way, which only makes you feel more trapped. I think if you just admit that you have these feelings sometimes, that they aren't constant, and that they don't mean you're a bad person, then you can start moving on toward finding a resolution and feeling better. The suggestions for getting a break (respite care, babysitter/nanny, etc.) are great, and so is finding something in your life that you really care about outside of your children and home -- and that you feel you can be good at and make progress on. It's so hard with a SN child to feel that you are really being successful as a parent on a regular basis (at least in cases where the child may not show much affection or recognition of your efforts -- not that many NT child show much recognition of efforst either ). Good luck to all of you, and great job as parents! We are often very tough on ourselves, but we're doing a good job.

[Anonymous]

Oh poor you for being embarrassed!!!! What about sympathy and integrity!! Love overcomes all of those bad feelings...if you love your child/sibling you shouldn't give a d@mn what peers think. You got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. Some of you are selfish and need to learn morals!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh poor you for being embarrassed!!!! What about sympathy and integrity!! Love overcomes all of those bad feelings...if you love your child/sibling you shouldn't give a d@mn what peers think. You got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. Some of you are selfish and need to learn morals!!

You need to go away, troll.

[Anonymous]

To OP, as your child gets older she will proably show some real talents and competencies. Embrace those and try not to dwell on her personality quirks so much. If your daughter is autistic spectrum, probably some of your relatives are as well. Many people in such situations considered whether to have biological children given the risk of having kids ASD. Some kids choose to adopt instead or to not have children. Maybe you thought about options as well, but you obviously went ahead and had children despite the risk. Hopefully, you will develop a greater feeling of peace about your life and the things about her that might not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh poor you for being embarrassed!!!! What about sympathy and integrity!! Love overcomes all of those bad feelings...if you love your child/sibling you shouldn't give a d@mn what peers think. You got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. Some of you are selfish and need to learn morals!!

You need to go away, troll.

+1. What a hateful, self righteous bunch of nonsense that was.