I dislike and resent my DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isnt unusual for parents to come on here with these posts and we should all be supportive because OP is being honest and if anyone should understand its parents of kids with SN.


OP you are depressed and you need to help yourself. That is your first priority. No excuses. We can only be supportive if you take that first step. Second, see the behaiviorist. Your DD's behavior isn't set in stone. This is all about getting the right help for the situation. Do it. And things will get better.

Ignore the suggestions to institutionalize or put your daughter up for adoption. These are made by parents wjho can't understand how bad things can get and how they can still be greatly addressed. You can do it. Take the first steps.

I made my suggestion from my perspective as a daughter whose parents didn't and don't want me. Not because there was a special needs issue but because they are emotionally disturbed. They inflicted a great deal of violence on me over the years. Parenting, for them, was not a growing experience. It's only a growing experience if a person chooses to make it so, and has the determination and resources to make it so.

Sometimes adoption is in the best interests of the child. Whether that's the case with OP or not, only she knows.

I am sorry for your experience but I wonder if your are a parents of a child with a disability. This kind of post is not that unusual for these boards because raising kids with disabilities is really hard and parents of SN kids have elevated rates of depression. It is also common for people to respond that they were once in this position, got help and turned things around. There is nothing in OPs post to indicate that she is violent. And since you were not a child with a developmental disability your situation is not at all like OP's DD.

Nobody said this is a growing experience. Jeez, I don't think any of us with kids with developmental disabilities would romanticize them in this way. I think because your experience is so different from OP's and so extreme it may be difficult for you to give her the appropriate advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isnt unusual for parents to come on here with these posts and we should all be supportive because OP is being honest and if anyone should understand its parents of kids with SN.


OP you are depressed and you need to help yourself. That is your first priority. No excuses. We can only be supportive if you take that first step. Second, see the behaiviorist. Your DD's behavior isn't set in stone. This is all about getting the right help for the situation. Do it. And things will get better.

Ignore the suggestions to institutionalize or put your daughter up for adoption. These are made by parents wjho can't understand how bad things can get and how they can still be greatly addressed. You can do it. Take the first steps.

I made my suggestion from my perspective as a daughter whose parents didn't and don't want me. Not because there was a special needs issue but because they are emotionally disturbed. They inflicted a great deal of violence on me over the years. Parenting, for them, was not a growing experience. It's only a growing experience if a person chooses to make it so, and has the determination and resources to make it so.

Sometimes adoption is in the best interests of the child. Whether that's the case with OP or not, only she knows.

I am sorry for your experience but I wonder if your are a parents of a child with a disability. This kind of post is not that unusual for these boards because raising kids with disabilities is really hard and parents of SN kids have elevated rates of depression. It is also common for people to respond that they were once in this position, got help and turned things around. There is nothing in OPs post to indicate that she is violent. And since you were not a child with a developmental disability your situation is not at all like OP's DD.

Nobody said this is a growing experience. Jeez, I don't think any of us with kids with developmental disabilities would romanticize them in this way. I think because your experience is so different from OP's and so extreme it may be difficult for you to give her the appropriate advice.

Yes, I've read many posts made by frustrated special needs parents, and haven't responded since in those cases I didn't have any thing relevant or helpful to offer.

I certainly didn't mean to romanticize parenting developmental needs children any more than I meant to romanticize sociopathic parenting with my ironic comment.

[Anonymous]

I know where you are coming from, OP. I, too, have a child who is very difficult to parent. I love him more than life itself but I feel so drained and depleted. It is really hard. I, too, strongly encourage you to talk to a professional. And reach out to other parents with special needs kids. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Adoption, really folks? This child will not be adopted. Special needs infants can't even accomplish that, much less a grown child. What a reckless suggestion.

And they dont' institutionalize kids simply because they have behavioral issues anymore. Those would be jails, for criminal behavior only, or hospitals for the truly medically needy.

[Anonymous]

OP - Can you hire a nanny that specializes in caring for special needs children? Sounds like you need to be separated from your child.

As a mom, I cannot even imagine saying this about my child - which tells me that you must be beyond the point of desperation and need help asap.

Whoever suggested institutionalization is just gross. the OP never specified what the issues with her child were. Perhaps if she tells us specifics, we can all make healthy suggestions that dont involve "getting rid" of the child.

[Anonymous]

What is your child's disability?

[Anonymous]

I think you're very brave for admitting this in a public forum. Rightly or wrongly, I think if there was a prenatal test for ASD's many of our children would not be here. I certainly know that the question of whether I would have terminated has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I love my son dearly, but there are times when he can be so challenging and I worry about what his life will be like. Will he ever be able to live independently? Will he be bullied, incarcerated, or severely depressed? Will he hold a job, get married, have children? At his age, everything is a question-mark. There are wonderful moments with him when I'm so glad he's part of my life, but there are also dark moments that I don't like to admit when I think life could be so much easier. I think all parents miss their carefree, selfish, pre-kids days but SN parents experience this more deeply. Hopefully, it's just a phase that will get better, but I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist with experience in SN parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption, really folks? This child will not be adopted. Special needs infants can't even accomplish that, much less a grown child. What a reckless suggestion. And they dont' institutionalize kids simply because they have behavioral issues anymore. Those would be jails, for criminal behavior only, or hospitals for the truly medically needy.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you for all your thoughtful insights. DD is 3.5 and has ASD. We have done and continue to work with behavior specialists/psychologists, as well as Speech and OT. I guess these interventions have helped to some degree, but it's so frustrating. I feel that we shouldn't still be having such a hard time with her given all the effort, time and $ involved. We can't see friends, go to a restaurant, vacation, etc without her ruining the experience. Ruining sounds so harsh, but it's true- she ruins our quality of life and takes away from what we are able to offer our other child (NT). I am just so burnt out- I wish every interaction with her wasn't so laborious. There are brief moments when she's not insufferable, but it's not enough. I do try and get help/babysitters when possible, but it only takes a few minutes with DD before I feel I desperately want to get away from her. I know parenting is hard, but never anticipated this type of unyielding misery.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I wanted to add that i realize many people in this forum specifically, have kids that are much more involved. And these folks seem to be able to handle their situations far better than I handle mine. I feel I'm not cut out to deal- call me selfish- I am. Kudos to all you super-moms with special needs kids.

[Anonymous]

Another special needs mom here. I'm going to be blunt. You sound very immature. The words you use to describe your child -- she is insufferable, she ruins everything. Grow up. This is a child. Get therapy or get better therapy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you think this child wants to be disliked? This is a fucking child.

Really, grow the fuck up. You are entitled to your feelings. But it's up to you to find appropriate resources to deal with them. To say that she ruins parties? Oh la-dee-da Scarlett O'Hara. So sorry to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another special needs mom here. I'm going to be blunt. You sound very immature. The words you use to describe your child -- she is insufferable, she ruins everything. Grow up. This is a child. Get therapy or get better therapy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you think this child wants to be disliked? This is a fucking child.

Really, grow the fuck up. You are entitled to your feelings. But it's up to you to find appropriate resources to deal with them. To say that she ruins parties? Oh la-dee-da Scarlett O'Hara. So sorry to hear that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're very brave for admitting this in a public forum. Rightly or wrongly, I think if there was a prenatal test for ASD's many of our children would not be here. I certainly know that the question of whether I would have terminated has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I love my son dearly, but there are times when he can be so challenging and I worry about what his life will be like. Will he ever be able to live independently? Will he be bullied, incarcerated, or severely depressed? Will he hold a job, get married, have children? At his age, everything is a question-mark. There are wonderful moments with him when I'm so glad he's part of my life, but there are also dark moments that I don't like to admit when I think life could be so much easier. I think all parents miss their carefree, selfish, pre-kids days but SN parents experience this more deeply. Hopefully, it's just a phase that will get better, but I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist with experience in SN parenting.

Not OP, but can you recommend anyone? I tried someone in Tenleytown, but it wasn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you for all your thoughtful insights. DD is 3.5 and has ASD. We have done and continue to work with behavior specialists/psychologists, as well as Speech and OT. I guess these interventions have helped to some degree, but it's so frustrating. I feel that we shouldn't still be having such a hard time with her given all the effort, time and $ involved. We can't see friends, go to a restaurant, vacation, etc without her ruining the experience. Ruining sounds so harsh, but it's true- she ruins our quality of life and takes away from what we are able to offer our other child (NT). I am just so burnt out- I wish every interaction with her wasn't so laborious. There are brief moments when she's not insufferable, but it's not enough. I do try and get help/babysitters when possible, but it only takes a few minutes with DD before I feel I desperately want to get away from her. I know parenting is hard, but never anticipated this type of unyielding misery.

OP, this is your reality. I think you need to accept it on a level that you have not. I have felt like you, I do get it. For starters, she is still only 3. I think you need to understand that it will never be like it was before (I'm guessing your NT is older?) Also, I think that you really need to do some of those things you mentined without your child. Go out regularly with your spouse for date nights. Go on one or two brief trips a year with your spouse or with your NT child. The thing I had to let go of was that no matter how much "work" is put in, DD will never be like her sibs. You aren't going to fix her and you no longer have the life of a mom without an autistic child. You never will. Somehow you need to learn to love and appreciate her for who she is. A lot of it may have to do with your past and temperment, definitely your expectations. I'm sure that both of your kids can tell that you desperately want to get away from her and it is harmful to all of you. Please get help for yourself for the sake of everyone. If you do, and start to enjoy DD, you may find her behavior settles down too, just like any kid. Medication for a bit (antidepressant) was very helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel I'm not cut out to deal- call me selfish- I am.

I think this is the crux of it, you need to grow and change as life calls all of us to do. It's your choice but you are miserable and I'm guessing so is your family. My ex was like you and bailed. I used to be more like you but had to grow, there were no other grownups left. We are happier now. This is your life OP. It's up to you to make the most of it. If you were in an accident and had disfiguring injuries, where would "I feel I'm not cut out to deal" get you? At some point you have to make a choice. Resenting your DD hasn't made anyone happy. Have you tried making the best family you can with the people who are in it? In the past people could send their kids away, it's not really such an option now. She is going to live with you for 15 or more years. You can a good life for everyone or go on as you are. I'm guessing that you have strong preferences for how things look and should be and maybe some issues with perfectionism and anxiety. This child is a gift to help you blow through all of that and find out what really makes a family. Your NT child is watching and loves DD. What message are you giving and how does that impact his/her life?