How do you not yell at your child?

[Anonymous]

21.54- can you give an example of the 'win' thing? With both you and your mom, and you and your daughter. I'm not sure if I'm understanding it.

[Anonymous]

I went back to school and became a psychologist, and as part of that process I went to therapy and gained insight into how I was repeating a cycle of yelling/anger that my mom had used with me growing up. I only wish I could get back the years with my kids before I did this. I yelled more than I care now to admit.

I think there have been some great suggestions from other posters. I'd add that therapy can help if you find you cannot do it on your own. I wish I had done this sooner.

[Anonymous]

Longtime nanny here- I don't yell at kids, but over the years there's been many times I've been tempted!!

Here's what I do...  First of all, I'm very consistent about every thing.  It cuts down on a lot of issues when the rules stay the same.  If I said no to X on Monday, it's still X on Thursday.  Consequences are immediate when necessary.

For example, if it's time for dinner I always give a 5 minute warning.  5 minutes before, I tell the kids it's dinner in 5 mins, do you want to come to the kitchen now or in 5 mins.  Kids almost always choose to wait the 5 minutes and then are happy to come when it's time for dinner after the 5 minutes.  Why?  Well I didn't just immediately pull them away from something fun, I warned them.  Then I also gave them a choice if They want to come now or 5 minutes.  I use choices with everything, after breakfast I'll ask if they want to brush their teeth now or after getting dressed.  That way I don't have to tell them to brush their teeth, they made a choice about when they want to do it.  When we leave the park,I'll ask if they want to leave now or in 10 mins, then I do a 5 minute warning.

IF, when I come back after the warning and they still won't comply,we talk about how we made an agreement and the next time they don't get a choice.  And I follow through with that as well.

I don't yell, I like to reason.  But I think the main thing is consistency.  If DC always knows she has a 5 minute warning before dinner then it's not so surprising/upsetting when she has to stop playing.  

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21.54- can you give an example of the 'win' thing? With both you and your mom, and you and your daughter. I'm not sure if I'm understanding it.

My mother took it very personally when I challenged her as a child, even on minor issues. I think children challenge their parents as a way of expressing autonomy and independent decision-making (at times, anyway. Sometimes kids are just being punks). To use an example from above, if my mother told me to put on my shoes and I refused, we would be at a total standstill until she was able to make me put on my shoes no matter the cost. Because I was strong-willed and didn't like being commanded to do things, our skirmishes often ended with spanking or punishments (like sentenced to room without toys) that were totally out of line with the bad behavior (refusing to wear shoes). Every little issue escalated to giant battles and punishments. As a teenager, I spent many many weekends grounded (no friends, no phone, no tv, no car) for being argumentative. It just seemed to have so little purpose.

NOw that I'm a parent, I see myself doing a bit of the same thing: I get so unreasonably angry when DD challenges my authority by doing something I tell her not to do. My natural reaction is to want to *force* her to do what I say, and I've found myself threatening her with punishments if she doesn't obey. I have to remind myself all the time that such a strict approach is not productive with my willful daughter, nor is it good for our relationship. It's much more productive if I can find ways where we can both win and save face. For example, now when my daughter refuses to put on shoes, I just put her in the car barefoot and ask her to put them on while we're driving. Problem solved: we're in the car on time and she feels pride and autonomy for putting on her own shoes and for doing it on her own time frame. But it makes me sick that my natural reaction is to try to dominate my DD just like my mom did with me.

[Anonymous]

Nanny again- My mom was a big teller and used to hit me. My dad scared me. Working with kids has helped heal those wounds because I know that every day I go to work I'm doing my best to speak to the kids with respect and not yell. I try to give them choices and be consistent. I font think I want my own kids, but the yelling stops with my generation because over the years I've learned how to talk to kids in a way that makes them listen. I see a lot of moms who yell,and their method isn't more effective than mine.

[Anonymous]

*yeller, not teller!

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of what's been said. I will say, though, that giving choices only works 50% of the time with DS. The other times, he knows he doesn't want to do X ever (brush his teeth, take a bath, put away his toys), so he seems to have realized that he's being tricked into a choice that has the same result. He won't agree to it anymore, and he's only 2.5.

[Anonymous]

There were some threads about this awhile back. Here's one -- I'm the one who tries to imagine I'm being videotaped and everyone I know will watch it later:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/132551.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though I try to stay ahead of the curve, my dd often manages to push my buttons, usually when we are both tired at the end of the day. The result - after a few attempts at cheerful, creative solutions, I yell. Unfortunately this is not effective for her and sets us back in whatever we are locking heads about (tonight it was coming to the table for dinner). Every time I yell at her I tell myself that I have to stop doing it, but how? She is three.

I TOTALLY understand.

I'm just going to comment on this from my point of view-- sometimes, what makes me doubly frustrated and angry is not my DD's behavior but the fact that I feel like I've been so nice about it w/ my "cheerful, creative solutions" and the fact that she's not responding the way she "should" is infuriating.

If you feel this way, too, you know what? I say drop the cheerful, creative solutions at the end of the day when you're exhausted. It helped me and my DD so much-- and mine hasn't yet turned 3-- if I just am honest with her. Once I started saying, "I'm REALLY tired and hungry and grumpy. I need to go eat and don't have the energy to argue about it. Please come to the table in the next 5 mins." And then I set the kitchen timer to ding, and if she doesn't, there are consequences (not no dinner, but a time-out, and we sit and start eating w/out her). But I also try to make dinner a pleasant enough experience once we sit down and start eating that it is much better to be at the table than in time-out.

Now, my DD will often say "I'm hungry and I feel GRUMPY" and it really helps me to be sympathetic to her, too, and not yell at the end of a rough day.

[Anonymous]

By nature, I'm not really a yeller, although my mom definitely was. But, just as a practical suggestion, maybe just try walking out of the room when you feel like yelling. That's typically what I do when I'm frustrated at my DS. I just bite my tongue and walk out of the room so that I can calm down. I guess it's like a mini-time out for mom.

[Anonymous]

"sometimes, what makes me doubly frustrated and angry is not my DD's behavior but the fact that I feel like I've been so nice about it w/ my "cheerful, creative solutions" and the fact that she's not responding the way she "should" is infuriating."

LOL! I actually told my 6 y.o. the other day that I really didn't have the patience for his tantrum given that I'd been so accommodating to him that morning.

[Anonymous]

"My mother took it very personally when I challenged her as a child, even on minor issues."

Interesting. I have a huge ego and I found my daughter's challenges and strong willed personality charming/amusing most of the time.

[Anonymous]

My parents yelled at me occaisionally. My mother is a saint and would only yell when absolutely exhausted. I don't in any way blame her for this. If I end up being 1/2 the mother she is/was, I'll be proud.

I also yell occaisionally - sometimes when the kids are about to do something dangerous. Its moderately effective in signalling, Stop! Mommy is really scared! I totally pick my battles. Two of my 3 kids have ADHD. I have to remind my DH frequently to stay calm and not model tantrums. He will immediately stop and if he feels it is warranted apologize to the child.

[Anonymous]

I don't yell at my kids, but I have a wicked temper that I got under control just before I had them. What worked for me was my husband looking at me with utter contempt when I had a temper tantrum (for lack of a better word) and saying "You scare me. Stop it." And walking away. It snapped me into realizing what I was doing was absolutely wrong and unacceptable. Is this your moment for understanding this for yourself? That you will have to be a complete abstainer from yelling (as opposed to some people who can yell occasionally without doing it a lot)? That for you, yelling is utterly wrong?

I'd suggest giving yourself the option of leaving the situation when you are temped to yell. Your yelling is a worse infraction of family rules than your child disobeying you. If you can't say that is true you probably aren't ready to stop. But if that is true...ignore kid's misbehavior for the moment (address later) and take yourself out of the conflict until you are cooler.

[Anonymous]

I have a temper myself. The books that have helped me the most are "Unconditional parenting" and also "Between Parent and Child." Also, "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk."
All three are about reconsidering the parent/child relationship and ideas of "discipline" and also communication. They all are about how to cooperate rather than control. I think yelling stems from controlling behavior.
I think giving yourself time to cool off, being silly, making sure you are taking care of yourself too, etc. are all good advice but these other books may help you change your framework in a more general way and that could be a prevention step too.