How do you not yell at your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i don't do it because my mother was a yeller, and i swore from a very young age that i would not do that to my kids when i had them, and i don't.

yelling is scary.
yelling is demeaning.
yelling is counterproductive, since the kid only sees the scary face and hears the loud noise and is not focusing on what you are saying.

all this is especially true when the child is only three.

your job as a parent is to teach your child how to behave, not to fly off the handle when they don't act like a little adult. they are not little adults. they are still learning how to get along in this world. yelling at them is not going to help that, and in fact it's teaching them very negative behavior.

i was scared to f'ing death of my mom growing up. don't let your daughter feel that way about you.

hope this helps.

What is your relationship with your mother now? Did you have good memories with her too? Outweigh the yelling times?

[Anonymous]

I yell at my kids, but only when I'm exhausted and have exhausted all other means of getting them to do what I need done. Usually the yelling, as last resort, works. It's not fun, and no, I don't recommend it, but there are times when nothing else works. I think I yell when I'm short on time. So, my advice to you, OP, is to allow yourself plenty of time all the time. When I have time to describe my children's feelings, I usually don't need to yell. I also describe my own feelings. I ask them, "Do you want me to yell at you?" "Do you like it when I yell at you?" "Does it make you feel good when I yell at you?" Sometimes that's all it takes, and they listen to me at that point. My children are older, so now they do a lot of willful ignoring, which is difficult to deal with. I do try to stand back and realize that they are acting like, uh, children, and not get emotionally involved, as a PP said. I used to yell a lot more, because I was so, so tired all the time, and didn't have the energy to spend time coming up with logical consequences all the time and helping them express their feelings.

Don't know if this is any help, but I thought I'd add my .02. My mom was also a yeller, and I swore I'd never yell at my children, but I am not a perfect person with the disposition and patience of a saint. I think my kids are doing fine, and that the times I do break down and yell, they know they've pushed me to the breaking point. It no longer happens very often (I used to yell at them a lot more, but I get a lot more rest now), so I think it's manageable. I expect it will stop entirely as they get older. It's no fun to yell at people, especially ones you love as much as your children.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster you quoted above, and my relationship with my mother is good now, but I will never forget how she acted when my brother and I were kids. I actually went to therapy to deal with some of it, because not only was she a huge yeller, when she was really mad she would engage in what I now know is verbal abuse. She would find those one or two things about you that she knew would punch you right in the gut, and she'd get right on that point and make sure she hammered it until you really felt low.

I have to say, there were areas in which she was an awesome mom, when she wasn't yelling. My memories overall are good, for me they outweigh the bad. I guess I was always able to put things in perspective ... my parents loved us, we were reasonably well-off and didn't really want for anything, and we weren't being beaten or anything like that. Otherwise known as "shit happens." My brother, on the other hand, has not and will not forgive her, ever.

OP, I wish I could give you better advice on how to stop your yelling, but really, it's just sheer willpower on my part. When I feel like I want to yell, I remind myself of what I told you before ... that these little creatures don't know how to act and it's my job to teach them. However, I have definitely been known to get down on my 3 year old son's level and tell him exactly what I am thinking when he does something that he KNOWS he is not supposed to be doing.

Remember though, my kids are still little. I'm hoping I'll be able to maintain this Zen approach to yelling when they are older.

[Anonymous]

I think yelling is what happens if you don't have another strategy. So, try to cultivate some other tools.

Kids are not listening to you. Can you use humor? Can you be silly about it? Can you ignore unless it's about safety? Can you bribe?

I am not a yeller, but I use a lot of "bribes" (I keep a special fruit desert in the car that my toddler only gets if I have to promise to get him into the car; I give my son an M&M if he finishes his veggies, etc.) and I ignore or use silliness on a lot of small stuff. (Kid won't put on his shoes? I throw shoes and socks into bag and let him go barefoot until he wants shoes on.)

I have a few strict rules related to safety and I just tell him "I'm sorry but good mommies have to keep their cuties safe in parking lots" (or get them bathed.) In these situations I just ignore and put up with sass, screaming, whatever. I think it may help that I only have a few things that I go "to the mat" for.

I think some classes (positive parenting, 1-2-3 Magic) are useful because they are simply teaching you another tool. GL! Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

"I ask them, "Do you want me to yell at you?" "Do you like it when I yell at you?" "Does it make you feel good when I yell at you?"

Wow! Shifting the blame to the kids for your yelling? Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I ask them, "Do you want me to yell at you?" "Do you like it when I yell at you?" "Does it make you feel good when I yell at you?"

Wow! Shifting the blame to the kids for your yelling? Wow!

Classic tactic of an abuser. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with the "silly" trick. I don't yell or scream, but if I ask my kid to do something more than 2 or 3 times, and they aren't listening, I'm not in the mindset to all of a sudden try the "being silly" approach.
I get it- and it works if you get them at the right moment, but I want my kids to listen to me the first time and don't want to reward them with silliness.
Maybe I'm a little strict.

[Anonymous]

The book "Becoming Attached" really explains the dilemma moms have in trying to do things differently than their own moms. It's heavy reading (reviews of lit, studies, etc), but I've read through it twice and every time it reinforces for me what I need to do.

I try to remember being small myself and what it felt like to be yelled at and how much I wanted and needed affection at the very times I was making my mother furious. I try to keep that image in my head when my kids are acting out. I take deep breaths, I walk away if I have to. most of the time it works.

[Anonymous]

Actually not at all I let them speak for themselves. You can see my tiny baby runny around and come to your own conclusion

[Anonymous]

I used to yell a lot more than I do now, and my kid is only 2.5. The first thing I did was start taking better care of myself. I get at least a 30 min walk every day, I make sure I get at least 7 hours of sleep, and I'm on a low does of Paxil. That helped the most. The second thing I do is I have a mantra - I don't think you need to use mine, but you just need something short you can say to yourself that reminds you of the parent you want to be. Mine is "DS only gets one childhood." basically it reminds me that if I mess it up, that is it, there are no do overs. Also I am much more ok now asking DH to come take over when I'm on the edge. I tell DS mommy need to go into time out for a break and I make DH take over.

[Anonymous]

I don't yell all the time, but yes I yell. I am a very loving mother and my children are not afraid of me. I think that if we are calm all the time that can backfire too, our kids don't see that it's okay to lose your cool sometimes. If I'm out of line, I do apologize, and then my children know I'm not perfect and they don't have to be either. Obviously I try my hardest not to but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Prozac...seriously. It helps me.

[Anonymous]

My mother did not yell, but she engaged me in a serious battle of wills and her unwillingness to ever let me "win" ruined our relationship until I was in my 30s. Unfortunately, I'm a yeller by nature so my concern is to (1) not yell, and (2) never break my child's spirit by always trying to be dominant over her. When I am being a good mommy, I can diffuse tantrums or bad behavior with some silliness or distraction (my DD is 2.5). When that doesn't work and she starts to be a beast, sometimes I feel like I sort of float above my body and I have this sort of detached, rational ability to respond. I talk in an abnormally slow, soft voice. When I am being a not-so-good mommy and I start to lose my sh*t, I try to imagine that someone is watching me. Silly as it sounds, that usually shames me into better behavior. When my tactics fail and I do something I regret, I always try to give my DD a very sincere apology, coupled with a lot of affection.

Does anyone have any tips for the battle-of-wills relationship? It is so ingrained in me to WIN and I struggle every single day to create situations where there is no winner/loser. I feel like it's only going to get tougher as she grows up and challenges my authority more often.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes mommies need a time out. When I feel the urge to yell or lose my temper, I just take a quick 5-10 minute break to diffuse and get control over my knee-jerk emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look no matter how hard we try...everyone yells or is guilty of yelling before--so don't beat yourself up. You are a good parent for noticing this about yourself and trying to think of ways to control this behavior instead of letting it continue.

My mom is still a yeller and I'm 30 with 2 kids!

When I feel like I about to lose it, I imagine them as babies...and who would ever yell at a baby? I do the same thing with crazy people...works like a charm.

Also, rather then yelling I whisper...it forces our son to stop what he is doing and focus on what I'm saying. Works best if you lean in and get down to their level.

No, not everyone yells. I don't yell at my kids ever. Like other PPs, my memories of my mother yelling are some of the strongest of my childhood. My mom didn't even yell often but when she did it felt awful. I can still even remember some of the exact words she yelled at me that made me feel inadequate and in some ways as though she 'hated' me. I have a great relationship with my mother now but that has taken a lot of work and didn't really come to be until my mid-twenties.

I don't yell at anyone really so not yelling at my kids isn't that hard. If someone at work is incredibly frustrating and irritating I deal with it without yelling and same with my kids. I do glare at them at times to show my disapproval...that may be damaging too who knows! Often I walk away, I give them very clear options, alternatives and consequences for them to choose between. We try to live a life that is as free of stress (not rushed or hectic) as possible and I think that helps.