i get so angry at my toddler... how to control

[Anonymous]

DC is 23 months old and i'm 7.5 months pregnant and i work FT. there are days when she really pushes my buttons - like the other night when we were eating out at chicken out and she threw something on the floor for the fifth time and i moved my face right into hers and said "no" in a loud voice to her b/c i was so angry i wanted to scream... my husband said everyone was staring and he thought it wasn't a good way to handle her - he said my voice was exceptionally scary and loud (maybe i did scream?).

and today, she continually pushed on my stomach. hard. i know she didn't mean to, and i know she doesn't get it that there's a baby in there, but it actually hurt and i just wanted her to get away from me entirely.

i love her to pieces. and i have a lot of help - nanny, maid, part-time cook, and grandparents nearby. but sometimes i get pushed to the edge.

what do other parents do in that moment to control their anger and be more centered?

[Anonymous]

don't beat yourself up. It happens. I sometimes yell "NO" or "STOP" a lot louder than I want it to come out. One thing I make sure to do though is appologize, right after it happens. I say something like "I'm sorry, I yelled, I didn't mean to scare you, but please stop doing that". That's for when it just comes out, the other times, I can usually feel it building up, and if I'm aware of that, I try to do something to diffuse myself like walk away, or talk myself through it like "stay calm, stay calm, you love him, stay calm". Hope some of that helps! (On a side note, I know there are some moms that never lose their temper and I have no idea how that's possible!)

[Anonymous]

Imagine you're being videotaped and will have to watch it back with your spouse, your child as an adult and most everyone else you know. It's weird, but just thinking about this makes me observe myself objectively and rein it in.

The other thing I do is remind myself in the moment (sometimes out loud) that she's a two year old and this is just what normal two year olds do.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I can relate to where you are coming from. I am actually a mom who rarely gets angry - most things roll of my back. But the other day, my son jumped on top of me and just kept pushing and bouncing up and down on my ribs and I screamed "Get off of me NOW!" He looked terrified, and I felt bad.

[Anonymous]

You have a nanny, maid, and part-time cook and still get that angry and are unable to control it? Number one. Stop fighting battles that aren't worth fighting. Throwing food? One time and the meal is over. If you are home, take her out of the high chair and tell her firmly. Food on the tray. Not on the floor. If you are dumb enough to try and eat a sit down meal with a food throwing toddler at a restaurant, you are leaving early. If she is hitting, pushing, kicking your stomach, your attention is removed from her. No hitting. No pushing. No kicking. That hurts. If she does this when you are carrying her someplace, stop carrying her. Make her walk or put her in a stroller or back pack. Number two. Get some help that allows you to refrain from losing it. It will only get worse with two.

[Anonymous]

I went to a Parenting Encouragement Program (PEP) class on anger and it really helped. You may want to look into it.

[Anonymous]

I sing. I literally start to sing sometimes when I am screaming on the inside and about to completely lose my shit on my sweet 24 mo (my 4 mo is an angel and can't push my buttons like my eldest does). It immediately makes my kids smile and livens my mood, even when I am about to lose it.

So if you see a random woman singing kids songs in a store, that is probably me.

[Anonymous]

Before you react---take some breaths, close your eyes, just ignore her for a minute and collect yourself.

To put this in perspective: if you sometimes can't control your temper or emotions, and you are a grown up, imagine what a young toddler must feel like. We can't have expectations for them that are beyond those of ourself.

Keep in mind the ultimate goal: a happy life with your child. One night, one instance of bad behavior, that isn't the goal. Don't do anything to destroy your relationship, that is the goal. If there is a bunch of food on the floor and people rolling their eyes, screw them. It isn't worth freaking out over.

Take it easy----you have SO much on your plate. It is true that 2 is a lot harder, but in a way it is easier because your standards will completely change. You will be in survival mode for a while so take it literally moment by moment within each day. Only your sanity and the physical health of your children are a priority in those early months, so go easy on yourself.

Signed, mother of 2 in the survival mode phase

[Anonymous]

I went to a Parenting Encouragement Program (PEP) class on anger and it really helped. You may want to look into it.

I have a 23-month-old and am starting the PEP Anger Management in Parenting class in a couple of days. Kid is SO frustrating! However, I'm not sure a stern "NO" in a restaurant is out of line, and your husband could give you a break on that. There were probably other patrons applauding your discipline.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this too.

(1) I read 1-2-3 Magic for discipline ideas, and one of his main points is, don't argue with kids like they're adults, don't engage like you're on the same level, you're not. I found that a lot of the time I really lost my temper with my DD was at the end of a long "discussion" (but mommy! but mommy!) and finding other ways to nip that in the bud and not get involved in a debate did help.

(2) Whenever possible, and I really try to make it possible, I excuse myself when I'm starting to lose my temper -- go into a quiet room for about 5 minutes, and just sit quietly and observe my body -- where the tension is, what sensations I'm having. If I start to think about the interaction with DD and get all worked up again, I go back to just paying attention to how my body is feeling. I find that after a few minutes of this, the anger has subsided and I can go back to my DD for a fresh start.

(3) I did take the PEP class and it didn't seem to be enough, so I'm actually in therapy right now to address this issue. You might consider that if it's a persistent problem (it is helping me).

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

PEP anger mgmt class: http://www.parentencouragement.org/seminars.html#ma
Why do we lose our tempers over some issues and not others? Can we really control our anger? And how can or should we? What are the underlying causes of anger? Join us for this seminar and learn the answers to these questions and more. Learn ways to change what you think, say, and do to express your concerns in more positive, effective ways. This seminar will also focus on how we can help our children learn coping strategies and techniques.


Try also this book: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation
Warning.. it can be hardwork, you will have to examine and change your own behaviors, but its worth it

[Anonymous]

Just keep reminding yourself - she's only 23 months. She doesn't think ahead, she doesn't understand how you are feeling or how to make things easier for you, etc.

And be consistent with discipline. If you feel like you are losing your temper, give yourself a time out and take some deep breaths.

As others said I don't think a stern "no" or "stop" is out of line. Also, if she's throwing food simply take the food away. She's old enough to know not to throw food (and not to hit or kick).

[Anonymous]

You are at a casual restaurant. Do you need to clean the floor? Of course not. In fact, if you look around, there's probably food all over. So why are you getting this aggravated?

I would suggest to you that it's not about the floor or the food, it's about your stress level and wish for control over your life and your toddler.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say like a few other PPs that I'm with you. I have a 3.5 year old and an infant and (even before the baby to be totally honest) and right with you.

The posters who said we need to realize that the kids are kids, or that the food on the floor, small battles, etc. aren't really helpful. My trigger was my son taking his shoes off in the car. Silly small thing, but it really pissed me off. So we'd start out wherever we were going with me angry before we even got out the car.

I tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, etc. and nothing worked. WHat finally did work is sitting down when we were outside of the situation and trying to figure out why it made me so upset. Once I rationally took the time to think through it and identify why this was a trigger for me (b/c I always feel rushed/late and having to put on shoes ater we get there makes me feel even more rushed and anxious) it was much easier to relax the next time the situation arose

As my son is getting older I'm actualy finding it easier to control my anger. He's able to tell when I'm losing my patience and I have to address it if I raise my voice as that's something he knows we're not supposed to do. It's really humbling to have to tell a preschooler that you can't control yourself the way you expect them to be able to.

So I dont really have any helpful advice (other than trying to identify your triggers and figure out why they get to you), but wanted to be sure you know that you're not alone. No amount of help (paid or otherwise!) matters when you're in a resturant, store, car, etc., and your child is pushing your buttons!!

[Anonymous]

I had the same shoe issue, what I did was take them off in the car, a friend's nanny suggested it. That way they aren't getting thrown around, you feel in control, and it is easy to put them on quickly when they are strapped in.

I took the Anger class and it's a great start. I'd also strongly recommend the parenting classes, the anger class is JUST about anger and will not give you any new tools for handling your child. The "Calming the Famiy Storm" book is excellent too. You might want to look into therapy, PEP has a list of folks who specialize in anger as an issue. I think that you have other feelings, perhaps even anger or control issues from the past that are getting tapped, they explain in the class that anger is a surface emotion.

OP have you read any of the child dev books like "Your 2 Year Old"? It might be a helpful perspective. The Happiest Toddler on the Block book and DVD are really good too. So is Scream Free Parenting.

Do you get out alone with DH? Do you have things you enjoy doing that are completely separate from being a mom? Do you spend quality time with DD doing things that you both enjoy - playing together? She may be pushing your buttons to try to connect with you. Kids feel us pulling away while pregnant and it scares them. A lot of extra snuggles may really help. Do you think that you would be happier as a working mom?

I think it was prrobably your tone in the restaurant that got the attention. People probably worried that if you spoke to her that way in public what are you like in private? I'd give PEP a call and also try therapy. Your DD is going to need your support as you transition to a bigger family and three is way worse than the terrible twos.