Reply to How do you not yell at your child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]21.54- can you give an example of the 'win' thing?  With both you and your mom, and you and your daughter.  I'm not sure if I'm understanding it.[/quote]

My mother took it very personally when I challenged her as a child, even on minor issues.  I think children challenge their parents as a way of expressing autonomy and independent decision-making (at times, anyway. Sometimes kids are just being punks).  To use an example from above, if my mother told me to put on my shoes and I refused, we would be at a total standstill until she was able to make me put on my shoes no matter the cost.  Because I was strong-willed and didn't like being commanded to do things, our skirmishes often ended with spanking or punishments (like sentenced to room without toys) that were totally out of line with the bad behavior (refusing to wear shoes).  Every little issue escalated to giant battles and punishments.  As a teenager, I spent many many weekends grounded (no friends, no phone, no tv, no car) for being argumentative.  It just seemed to have so little purpose.

NOw that I'm a parent, I see myself doing a bit of the same thing: I get so unreasonably angry when DD challenges my authority by doing something I tell her not to do. My natural reaction is to want to *force* her to do what I say, and I've found myself threatening her with punishments if she doesn't obey.  I have to remind myself all the time that such a strict approach is not productive with my willful daughter, nor is it good for our relationship.  It's much more productive if I can find ways where we can both win and save face.  For example, now when my daughter refuses to put on shoes, I just put her in the car barefoot and ask her to put them on while we're driving.  Problem solved: we're in the car on time and she feels pride and autonomy for putting on her own shoes and for doing it on her own time frame.   But it makes me sick that my natural reaction is to try to dominate my DD just like my mom did with me.  [/quote]

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