How do you not yell at your child?

[Anonymous]

Even though I try to stay ahead of the curve, my dd often manages to push my buttons, usually when we are both tired at the end of the day. The result - after a few attempts at cheerful, creative solutions, I yell. Unfortunately this is not effective for her and sets us back in whatever we are locking heads about (tonight it was coming to the table for dinner). Every time I yell at her I tell myself that I have to stop doing it, but how? She is three.

[Anonymous]

i don't do it because my mother was a yeller, and i swore from a very young age that i would not do that to my kids when i had them, and i don't.

yelling is scary.
yelling is demeaning.
yelling is counterproductive, since the kid only sees the scary face and hears the loud noise and is not focusing on what you are saying.

all this is especially true when the child is only three.

your job as a parent is to teach your child how to behave, not to fly off the handle when they don't act like a little adult. they are not little adults. they are still learning how to get along in this world. yelling at them is not going to help that, and in fact it's teaching them very negative behavior.

i was scared to f'ing death of my mom growing up. don't let your daughter feel that way about you.

hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i don't do it because my mother was a yeller, and i swore from a very young age that i would not do that to my kids when i had them, and i don't.

yelling is scary.
yelling is demeaning.
yelling is counterproductive, since the kid only sees the scary face and hears the loud noise and is not focusing on what you are saying.

all this is especially true when the child is only three.

your job as a parent is to teach your child how to behave, not to fly off the handle when they don't act like a little adult. they are not little adults. they are still learning how to get along in this world. yelling at them is not going to help that, and in fact it's teaching them very negative behavior.

i was scared to f'ing death of my mom growing up. don't let your daughter feel that way about you.

hope this helps.

Op here and I agree with everything you have said. My mom also was a yeller ad I vow every time that I will not do it again. So I respect that you have set your mind not to do it, but I really need some practical advice on what is going through your head to actually make you keep from yelling.

[Anonymous]

My DD is also 3 and also knows how to make me crazy. And sometimes I do yell, and then I feel bad. So I always try to give her a choice so she feels like she has some control. For instance if I want her to come to the table for dinner and she says "no I'm playing with this" I tell her she can either come to the table and play with the thing later or she can not play with the thing at all. Usually she comes willingly. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Count to 100 every time you get the urge to yell. It's a habit that can be broken, like any other habit.

Yelling is NOT a memory you want your kid to have.

[Anonymous]

DD is 2 and I've heard that 3 is tougher than 2, so feel free to disregard.

I do two things. One, my voice may get sharp with her, but I don't yell. "DON'T HIT THE DOG, I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE!" as opposed to "No! Hitting hurts. That is not okay" and if you want any sort of little punishment, whether a timeout or turning off the tv or whatever as an emphasis. I try to focus on logical consequences and honestly look at her cute little face and remind myself to take a deep breath.

Two different parenting books that I try to draw from are Playful Parenting and Love & Logic.

This afternoon DD was objecting to leaving the park throwing a mini tantrum and laying down on the ground looking sad. I told her I'd count to 5 and she could either walk or be carried, since while Iknew she was sad, we still had to leave. At 5, I picked her up but then got us through the rough patch by carrying her upside down. It took 10seconds and we were both laughing.

You can do it. My parents were yellers as well as occasional spankers. I don't want to be either!

[Anonymous]

My mom was a yeller too, and it always seemed out of control. She always seemed to take everything very personally. Like I was purposefully trying to mess with her. Until my teens (hehe), that was certainly not the case. I was just being a kid. I never wanted to let my kids make me feel that out of control.

What works for me now is just to distance myself mentally when something is not going as it should. 'Oh, DD is throwing her food? Ok, let me deal with that constructively. This isn't about me, it's about her. It really has very little impact on my life.' Same thing if DS doesn't want to clean his room, or whatever. I just start to treat it like a math problem or something that needs to be solved. I'm very affectionate with my kids and emotional in a good way, but the way I've managed to stop yelling is to remove my emotion in those situations. I actually have a pretty bad temper, but I don't lose it with DD. What's the point? Like you said, it never helps.

[Anonymous]

First, yelling isn't always bad.

Have you tried 123 magic? I really liked it...it is very effective and really tries to take the emotional aspect out of discipline/parenting. I really think it would help you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

I take a deep deep breath. I talk really slowly and I whisper, or at least it feels like that, I think it might be balanced out by the yelling instinct and come out more regular. I think "I wanted this child, I really did, I love him, I do, I can do this" before I speak.

If I do yell I yell like this "ANTHONY" (deep deep breath, and then in whisper) we do not finger paint the cat . . . . ever . . . . especially not on the living room carpet . . . . [i](I never yell more than that one word)

I say things like "I am not happy, we're going to talk about this, but first you're going to take a break, and I'm going to take a break", and then come back later.

I also address things early, so they don't build up.
[/i]

[Anonymous]

I remember reading in a book a phrase about how to discipline your toddler..."kind but firm." When I'm super frustrated I actually say that phrase in my head over and over.

And, I think about how I would feel if I were being filmed and had to watch myself. Would I be proud of my behavior? Oddly, that works pretty well too.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I've also found that vocalizing my feelings works well, and it's teaching my son to do the same. When I feel like losing it I will actually say to him, "I'm upset with you. You're not listening."

The other day when I wouldn't let him watch TV he said, "mommy, I upset with you." But - he didn't throw a tantrum. Score one for mommy.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the OP but find this thread very helpful. Thanks to everyone for the insights!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I have job where I deal with unreasonable people who make bad decisions all day every day. If I can manage not to yell at them, I know I can manage not to yell at my child. Really, my job is accidentally the BEST preparation for parenthood ever.

[Anonymous]

Look no matter how hard we try...everyone yells or is guilty of yelling before--so don't beat yourself up. You are a good parent for noticing this about yourself and trying to think of ways to control this behavior instead of letting it continue.

My mom is still a yeller and I'm 30 with 2 kids!

When I feel like I about to lose it, I imagine them as babies...and who would ever yell at a baby? I do the same thing with crazy people...works like a charm.

Also, rather then yelling I whisper...it forces our son to stop what he is doing and focus on what I'm saying. Works best if you lean in and get down to their level.

[Anonymous]

I can't stop, they drive me crazy