Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party

[Anonymous]

If you can't afford to host a party, then DON'T. If you want to have people over have a dessert party, or drinks and a few apps. Asking for money from guests is about as tacky as you can get.

Life is not always black and white. I'm sure there are many people that are no in a position to host, yet would like their friends over. Splitting costs is just one way of making it happen. It is tacky, but there are situations that trump etiquette. If someone's situation is different from mine, I can't mold them to fit my expectations.. i.e. Either pay for it all, or I'm not attending/You shouldn't every host. I think that's just as tacy. After OP's explanation, I agree that her friend is rude, and find it odd that she is asking for so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting; however, you know your friend the best? Maybe she's not in the position to truly host a party, but wants all her friends to gather. $40 is steep, but for costs less than that, it's cheaper than going out to eat, plus higher quality/healthier food. If you think she's trying to make money off people, or be cheap, than that's a different story, but what is her financial situation like? Is it possible that she doesn't have the funds to actually host a real party? When you guys go to other homes, does she offer to pay her portion? Or maybe no one else in your group wants to host; therefor, she thinks this is normal?

OP here.

-I don't think it's a case of her not being in a position to host. More like I stated "Let's all get together and put in on some_________" The only thing that threw me is that she extended the invitation like a party hosting. "Would you like to come to a ______ bash"? THEN, once I agree to come, she hits me with the money request. I would have felt different about this if she's started off with the "Let's all get together......." angle.

-I don't think she's trying to make money, I just think she wants to host a party without really hosting a party. She basically is just providing the venue.

-When I (or my family) have hosted parties, she doesn't bring anything.....not a dish, not a bottle of wine, not anything. We aren't the type that expect anything, so it isn't an annoyance. It is however irritating that when she (or her family) host, they expect you to "put in".

OP, I totally get it. I am the one who was asked to chip in $40.
These "friends" have been invited to our house a couple of times before. They always have come empty handed, which was fine, because we never ask anyone to bring anything. This in unfortunately true for the rest of our friends. When we host, we ask you not bring anything, but when our friends host they expect us to provide drinks or bring a dish or too. Have a potluck once in a while, that's fine, but to have your guests provide the food every time you host is not cool. I hate that when we are invited somewhere my first thought has to be, what do I have to make? Why can't people just be invited and show up with a bottle of wine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you can't afford to host a party, then DON'T. If you want to have people over have a dessert party, or drinks and a few apps. Asking for money from guests is about as tacky as you can get.

Life is not always black and white. I'm sure there are many people that are no in a position to host, yet would like their friends over. Splitting costs is just one way of making it happen. It is tacky, but there are situations that trump etiquette. If someone's situation is different from mine, I can't mold them to fit my expectations.. i.e. Either pay for it all, or I'm not attending/You shouldn't every host. I think that's just as tacy. After OP's explanation, I agree that her friend is rude, and find it odd that she is asking for so much.



If you would like your friends over, ask them to come by and toss a salad for lunch and get some bread. Again, there are a number of ways to host a get together that's cheap. I've done it when I was poor. Even though, I was financially strapped and wanted my friends over, I would never, ever ask them to bring a dish and/or money to pay for what they eat. THAT is tacky.

If you want to split costs meet at a restaurant.

Just because you don't have money and you want to host does not mean you get to trump etiquette by asking for money from your guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you can't afford to host a party, then DON'T. If you want to have people over have a dessert party, or drinks and a few apps. Asking for money from guests is about as tacky as you can get.

Life is not always black and white. I'm sure there are many people that are no in a position to host, yet would like their friends over. Splitting costs is just one way of making it happen. It is tacky, but there are situations that trump etiquette. If someone's situation is different from mine, I can't mold them to fit my expectations.. i.e. Either pay for it all, or I'm not attending/You shouldn't every host. I think that's just as tacy. After OP's explanation, I agree that her friend is rude, and find it odd that she is asking for so much.



If you would like your friends over, ask them to come by and toss a salad for lunch and get some bread. Again, there are a number of ways to host a get together that's cheap. I've done it when I was poor. Even though, I was financially strapped and wanted my friends over, I would never, ever ask them to bring a dish and/or money to pay for what they eat. THAT is tacky.

If you want to split costs meet at a restaurant.

Just because you don't have money and you want to host does not mean you get to trump etiquette by asking for money from your guests.

Completely agree. There's nothing wrong with having friends over and having a modest lunch or snack. Why does everything have to be done "big"? I've never, ever heard of a situation where the host requests money from party attendants.

OP, where is your friend from? What's her background?

[Anonymous]

Another option. If you can't afford to make a meal, you can still host, just don't make it overlap regular eating times. Have a party 1-5 or 7-11 and just provide drinks and snacks. There is nothing that says that you have to host a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today good manners have been kicked aside in favor of expediency, greed ( of which your friend is guilty), and rude has become the "in" thing because "people are just too, too busy to be polite" Is it possible she and her DH simply do not know better? If you think this is the case, then this is an opportunity to help her by explaining to her that this is simply not done once one is out of college. Please let us know how she reacts when you tell her the truth. Think of it as a teaching moment.

OP here. Friend is the sensitive type. She would probably be highly offended and/or embarrassed. I have to see her at least once a week, so I'd rather avoid the dramatics.

I do think it's a case of them not knowing better...but this is not something she's looking to change. She views this more as "We're all going to get together and "put in" to have some fun". She doesn't realize that by hosting, it usually means you're absorbing the costs. Of course, I don't know how/why she doesn't get the distinction because she doesn't "put in" on any gathering I host.

So....I'm tempted to tell her the truth, but I know that it will result in hurt feelings.

If she and her DH are not aware of how gauche this is, then, as her friend, you need to tell her. Her feeling will be a lot worse if she pulls something like this with her boss, DH's boss, or colleague she doesn't know well. Do her a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: absolutely tasteless and tacky.

that says it all.

8)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all due respect to her, I wouldn't give a flying F if her feeling were hurt. She is being rude and she needs to know.

Yeah, this is just a matter of basic manners, tact and not being a clueless boor.

How old IS this person? Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

I don't usually chime in on these threads, but here I am. We actually love to entertain. We enjoying cooking and preparing meals and have parties for groups of all sizes. We generally serve what I consider to be pretty good food. When we did a party for 125 people we went pretty high end on the food (it was a special occasion) and spent about $2500 including alcohol. That comes out to around $20 pp. Obviously we bought in bulk, but we're talking leg of lamb, chicken, multiple side dishes, a little bit of food from a restaurant, wine, beer & soda.

I can't imagine what folks are buying for what they're collecting.

[Anonymous]

OP, in answer to her question "why?," tell her that you're not comfortable with her unusual request to contribute money when invited to a party she is hosting, but if she's having a pot-luck you'd be happy to come and contribute a bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

Same questions as above -- how old are they and what life stage are they in? I would only say this is ok if they're 23 yrs old and are still operating in college mode or if they are PhD students who may be older but not yet making much (or any) income. If that's not the case, this isn't acceptable and I do think you should gently say something. If you don't, she will likely do this to a co-worker or boss at some point and those people won't be so nice about it.

If you don't want to be direct but think she'll take the hint, why not say it jokingly -- i.e. "40 bucks, seriously? DH and I don't spend that much when we go out to dinner." The fact that she's making money off her friends (and it sounds like it is bc these don't sound like lavish parties) is insane. You could also suggest an alternative -- like going to a restaurant or out for drinks or suggesting that instead of requesting everyone pay, why doesn't she just use what she'd already use (give her the benefit that she would use some of her own money) to do something small like a backyard cookout now that the weather is getting warmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another option. If you can't afford to make a meal, you can still host, just don't make it overlap regular eating times. Have a party 1-5 or 7-11 and just provide drinks and snacks. There is nothing that says that you have to host a meal.

Or you can do a movie night with popcorn and soda. I mean I can think of a handful of ways to have friends over and not spend a lot of money on food and drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same questions as above -- how old are they and what life stage are they in? I would only say this is ok if they're 23 yrs old and are still operating in college mode or if they are PhD students who may be older but not yet making much (or any) income. If that's not the case, this isn't acceptable and I do think you should gently say something. If you don't, she will likely do this to a co-worker or boss at some point and those people won't be so nice about it.

If you don't want to be direct but think she'll take the hint, why not say it jokingly -- i.e. "40 bucks, seriously? DH and I don't spend that much when we go out to dinner." The fact that she's making money off her friends (and it sounds like it is bc these don't sound like lavish parties) is insane. You could also suggest an alternative -- like going to a restaurant or out for drinks or suggesting that instead of requesting everyone pay, why doesn't she just use what she'd already use (give her the benefit that she would use some of her own money) to do something small like a backyard cookout now that the weather is getting warmer.

It doesn't matter if their 23 or PhD students. Do not ask me for money when you invite me to your house. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't matter if their 23 or PhD students. Do not ask me for money when you invite me to your house. Period.

Come on. I invite you over to watch college football on my big TV. You drink some of my beers (you know I can't drink that huge box from costco by myself). I get hungry and ask if you want to order some pizza.

Am I suppose to pay for that all by myself?

Well, if I am, you better believe I'm getting pineapples on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't matter if their 23 or PhD students. Do not ask me for money when you invite me to your house. Period.

Come on. I invite you over to watch college football on my big TV. You drink some of my beers (you know I can't drink that huge box from costco by myself). I get hungry and ask if you want to order some pizza.

Am I suppose to pay for that all by myself?

Well, if I am, you better believe I'm getting pineapples on it.

Not the pp, but yes, you're supposed to stand the cost because you're the host. When someone invites you over and they decide to get something to eat, it'll be their turn to pay. Do parents not teach children about entertaining etiquette anymore?