Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party

[Anonymous]

I have a co-worker who has a summer cook out every year and asks guests to bring their own meat to grill. I think it's super tacky and we have declined to go for this reason. My opinion is if you can't afford to feed all of your guests, cut down on the guest list or don't have a party.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of you. People are unbelievably tacky. My in-laws are the worst offenders, but here is a list of what I have encountered between in-laws/co-workers etc

-I'm hosting, but please bring X food and chip in this amount of money (from in-law who borrowed over $10,000 and never returned it.)

-We are hosting a birthday dinner for so and so at such and such restaurant-they expect you to come, give gift, you pay for your dinner and you chip in toward birthday person's dinner

-Cash only baby shower, barely any food and no thank you note

-I really want to have a party to show you guys my new house etc. You go, you bring housewarming gift only to find out it's a pampered chef party

-You are invited to dinner with a large group of inlaws by your FIL who is acting like the grand poobah. At the end you end up footing the bill because nobody offers and you pay the tip. You strongly suspect these heathens would have been happy to leave the waitress with no money for meal or tip and you wonder if these people are the spawn of satan. Your child has just gotten out of the hospital and you are forever paying that bill and they know, but they don't give a hoot. Then they complain that you don't see them often eough.

-You are invited to dinner with co-workers at a very expensive restaurant where you fully expect to pay for your own meal. You try to order within your means qhile everyone else drinks up a storm and orders expensive things. At the end of the meal, they announce this month...x, y and z had their birthdays so lets just split the bill between the rest of us and treat them. So you are now paying for your meal, other people's drinks and part of the meals of coworkers and none of these people are close friends of yours.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, 10:56....we are sisters in our suffering!!

Friend in my OP also (it's amazing what I'm recalling now) just recently had a potluck housewarming where you also were expected to bring a gift (of course her invite said gift cards were "appreciated"...So in essence, give her cash and keep the blender).

[Anonymous]

A housewarming gift AND you bring food?! I'd pass. How greedy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, 10:56....we are sisters in our suffering!!

Friend in my OP also (it's amazing what I'm recalling now) just recently had a potluck housewarming where you also were expected to bring a gift (of course her invite said gift cards were "appreciated"...So in essence, give her cash and keep the blender).

Woa. Did you attend this? That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Wait? The invitation said please come to our housewarming and bring a gift card? How did she word that?

Our recent frustration:

DH invited to fancypants DC restaurant with old Wall St. colleague (DH left wall st for public service), this guy is 20 yrs his senior & former boss/mentor, who said "let me take you out to dinner." DH goes, 2 other people with whom DH disagrees politically and professionally are there--older women. DH politely converses. And at the end, Colleague says "___ and I are going to split the bill". Poor DH didn't feel like he could say anything and put it on our credit card which we've been working so hard to pay down. ARGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait? The invitation said please come to our housewarming and bring a gift card? How did she word that?

Our recent frustration:

DH invited to fancypants DC restaurant with old Wall St. colleague (DH left wall st for public service), this guy is 20 yrs his senior & former boss/mentor, who said "let me take you out to dinner." DH goes, 2 other people with whom DH disagrees politically and professionally are there--older women. DH politely converses. And at the end, Colleague says "___ and I are going to split the bill". Poor DH didn't feel like he could say anything and put it on our credit card which we've been working so hard to pay down. ARGH.

This mentor announced that your husband and he was going to split the bill?

[Anonymous]

13:55. Yeah. I don't know if he was trying to test my husband/wall st. manly aggression or be cheap or have the guys split the bill--or if he's so wealthy he doesn't realize that not everyone is. But yeah, after offering to take him out, my DH was suddenly splitting a huge bill for 4.

[Anonymous]

I got one.

DH out with several coworker, some he knows well, others he doesn't. It's a group thing. DH drinks 3 beers, his friend has a soda, while the others order bottles of liquor. When the bill comes it is announced that the bill is going to be split by everyone who attended the gathering equally.


Is the guys drinking soda really supposed to give $30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today good manners have been kicked aside in favor of expediency, greed ( of which your friend is guilty), and rude has become the "in" thing because "people are just too, too busy to be polite" Is it possible she and her DH simply do not know better? If you think this is the case, then this is an opportunity to help her by explaining to her that this is simply not done once one is out of college. Please let us know how she reacts when you tell her the truth. Think of it as a teaching moment.

OP here. Friend is the sensitive type. She would probably be highly offended and/or embarrassed. I have to see her at least once a week, so I'd rather avoid the dramatics.

I do think it's a case of them not knowing better...but this is not something she's looking to change. She views this more as "We're all going to get together and "put in" to have some fun". She doesn't realize that by hosting, it usually means you're absorbing the costs. Of course, I don't know how/why she doesn't get the distinction because she doesn't "put in" on any gathering I host.

So....I'm tempted to tell her the truth, but I know that it will result in hurt feelings.

Does she actually use the phrase "put in"? Is that some kind of regional thing? I have never heard that phrase used.

[Anonymous]

This is as bad as a wedding I went to several years ago. It was pretty much a potluck, and we were all expected to bring food and decorations because the bride and groom were between jobs/finishing grad school, etc. Oh, and they wanted contributions for their honeymoon in HAWAII. Several of us were flying from the east coast to California for this event, and were seriously appalled at the attitude we started getting from the groom when he saw that none of us had signed up to bring anything. Finally, his best friend since preschool spoke up and rebuked him for his expectations, especially since we couldn't exactly haul crock-pots on the plane. After a somewhat lame apology, he then modified his emails to include places we could stop at on the way to the wedding where we could pick up food!

Also, because we all were irked about the honeymoon, we bought traditional wedding gifts. About three weeks after the wedding, he emailed every one of us to see if we still had the receipts so they could return the gifts for cash! Definitely not the best wedding, but certainly the most entertaining.

Footnote to all of this: They separated a year later and finalized their divorce about two years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got one.

DH out with several coworker, some he knows well, others he doesn't. It's a group thing. DH drinks 3 beers, his friend has a soda, while the others order bottles of liquor. When the bill comes it is announced that the bill is going to be split by everyone who attended the gathering equally.


Is the guys drinking soda really supposed to give $30?

I don't like this either. And most of the time, you don't want to feel cheap and petty, so you end up doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait? The invitation said please come to our housewarming and bring a gift card? How did she word that?

Our recent frustration:

DH invited to fancypants DC restaurant with old Wall St. colleague (DH left wall st for public service), this guy is 20 yrs his senior & former boss/mentor, who said "let me take you out to dinner." DH goes, 2 other people with whom DH disagrees politically and professionally are there--older women. DH politely converses. And at the end, Colleague says "___ and I are going to split the bill". Poor DH didn't feel like he could say anything and put it on our credit card which we've been working so hard to pay down. ARGH.

Invite was titled "A Potluck" or something similar. Within, the person asked that we attend and then they included about 4 items they needed and at the end said since they didn't know all their needs right now, gift cards are appreciated. A few of the items were kind of unreasonable (pot set!), so it was obvious this list was done to make people say "Well, I don't want to buy them a pot set. I'll get a gift card".

[Anonymous]

I was once invited to a child's birthday part/ anniversary party/ housewarming party. The invitation listed all the things they wanted. Gift cards, cash towards the moon bounce, things they needed for their home and some other things. I RSVP'd "NO!".

A good friend of mine has the perfect party house. The layout and size are perfect so we often just get together there and it's always potluck. Our group is pretty diverse and full of immigrants and the food options are always great. We never feel put out because we know our friends struggle financially and they are always kind enough to offer their house for the events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got one.

DH out with several coworker, some he knows well, others he doesn't. It's a group thing. DH drinks 3 beers, his friend has a soda, while the others order bottles of liquor. When the bill comes it is announced that the bill is going to be split by everyone who attended the gathering equally.


Is the guys drinking soda really supposed to give $30?

I don't like this either. And most of the time, you don't want to feel cheap and petty, so you end up doing it.

This used to happen to me when I went out with friends who favored $12 martinis.

I would say "Oh, here, let me give you $5 for my [one] diet coke. Sorry, gotta run!" Then bolt, like you never heard the "chip in" equally suggestion. It gets a lot more awkward when it is a dinner with lots of wine and drinks and you ordered conservatively. Now that I have 2 kids, I just say, "hey guys, can we all just contribute what we owe? I gotta put 2 kids in college." I don't care if I come across as cheap. I used to, but that was before I had kids to think about. When push comes to shove, my family budget comes first. (Or I will just stay home.)