Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today good manners have been kicked aside in favor of expediency, greed ( of which your friend is guilty), and rude has become the "in" thing because "people are just too, too busy to be polite" Is it possible she and her DH simply do not know better? If you think this is the case, then this is an opportunity to help her by explaining to her that this is simply not done once one is out of college. Please let us know how she reacts when you tell her the truth. Think of it as a teaching moment.

OP here. Friend is the sensitive type. She would probably be highly offended and/or embarrassed. I have to see her at least once a week, so I'd rather avoid the dramatics.

I do think it's a case of them not knowing better...but this is not something she's looking to change. She views this more as "We're all going to get together and "put in" to have some fun". She doesn't realize that by hosting, it usually means you're absorbing the costs. Of course, I don't know how/why she doesn't get the distinction because she doesn't "put in" on any gathering I host.

So....I'm tempted to tell her the truth, but I know that it will result in hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I haven't responded to her "why" reply yet. She's used to me sometimes forgetting to respond, so I may just leave it at that.

I don't even think she realizes this is tacky because they do similar stuff all the time. Whenever they (or their family) have a gathering, you have to bring a dish. I don't mind doing this, but that's not the way my family operates. When we host, we provide everything and this family comes and does not bring *anything* to contribute. So I find it tacky that when they host they always want you to pitch in.

They actually did something similar once before. They had seafood and asked if we wanted any, told us to have some, etc. A couple of hours later, my friend announces "Alright, we didn't have as many people eating as we thought, so the cost is gonna be $30". DH and I had NO idea that we had to "put in" for the seafood!! We should have been told this when they invited us to join in with the seafood eating. Not to mention, my husband is not a big seafood eater, so he didn't have much and ate some just to be polite. I paid because I didn't want to cause a scene, but I was pissed.

I guess I should be grateful she's warned us ahead of time about the donation, but instead I'm just really turned off. I'm tempted to respond that I don't make cash donations towards a party I'm not hosting.

I don't get it....the fewer people eating the seafood, wouldn't it be LESS money for them?

They bought the seafood ahead of time (based on how many people they thought were going to eat). Less people ate, so the split cost ended up being more.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect to her, I wouldn't give a flying F if her feeling were hurt. She is being rude and she needs to know.

[Anonymous]

ITA TACKY!!!! Wow. I would not attend something like this. That said, I am not opposed to potluck suppers. Usually you know ahead of time, to bring a dish, and thats okay with me. I can then choose what to make, and depending on my budget (if I dont have a lot of money at the time of the gathering, I might just make a pasta salad or something whereas if the funds are flowing I will make something better, like a meat dish or something more pricey). Whether it is family or friends i have no problem. I have done get togethers too where others brought stuff here, some on their own when I told them I was doing everything.

And as for the $$ for the seafood, after the fact, if you knew she'd done this before like that, dont know why you are surprised with this request. just be happy you found out ahead of time.

to the PP who said $40 for the meat, what the heck kind of meat were they buying?

[Anonymous]

if you see this person frequently and the events occur frequently, as tacky as it is, it is just a part of the friendship.

do you think that saying something will damage your relationship? do you care?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're overreacting; however, you know your friend the best? Maybe she's not in the position to truly host a party, but wants all her friends to gather. $40 is steep, but for costs less than that, it's cheaper than going out to eat, plus higher quality/healthier food. If you think she's trying to make money off people, or be cheap, than that's a different story, but what is her financial situation like? Is it possible that she doesn't have the funds to actually host a real party? When you guys go to other homes, does she offer to pay her portion? Or maybe no one else in your group wants to host; therefor, she thinks this is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ITA TACKY!!!! Wow. I would not attend something like this. That said, I am not opposed to potluck suppers. Usually you know ahead of time, to bring a dish, and thats okay with me. I can then choose what to make, and depending on my budget (if I dont have a lot of money at the time of the gathering, I might just make a pasta salad or something whereas if the funds are flowing I will make something better, like a meat dish or something more pricey). Whether it is family or friends i have no problem. I have done get togethers too where others brought stuff here, some on their own when I told them I was doing everything.

And as for the $$ for the seafood, after the fact, if you knew she'd done this before like that, dont know why you are surprised with this request. just be happy you found out ahead of time.

to the PP who said $40 for the meat, what the heck kind of meat were they buying? [/quote]


The PP you are asking.

You will not believe it but 5 families contributed the forty, and they ordered a pan of shredded pork and a pan of shredded beef from some taco place. (regular foil pan)

I was pissed off! Basically, they made some money off of hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting; however, you know your friend the best? Maybe she's not in the position to truly host a party, but wants all her friends to gather. $40 is steep, but for costs less than that, it's cheaper than going out to eat, plus higher quality/healthier food. If you think she's trying to make money off people, or be cheap, than that's a different story, but what is her financial situation like? Is it possible that she doesn't have the funds to actually host a real party? When you guys go to other homes, does she offer to pay her portion? Or maybe no one else in your group wants to host; therefor, she thinks this is normal?

If you can't afford to host a party, then DON'T. If you want to have people over have a dessert party, or drinks and a few apps. Asking for money from guests is about as tacky as you can get.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am getting that this friend does this on a regular basis? I am surprised she has anybody showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're overreacting; however, you know your friend the best? Maybe she's not in the position to truly host a party, but wants all her friends to gather. $40 is steep, but for costs less than that, it's cheaper than going out to eat, plus higher quality/healthier food. If you think she's trying to make money off people, or be cheap, than that's a different story, but what is her financial situation like? Is it possible that she doesn't have the funds to actually host a real party? When you guys go to other homes, does she offer to pay her portion? Or maybe no one else in your group wants to host; therefor, she thinks this is normal?

OP here.

-I don't think it's a case of her not being in a position to host. More like I stated "Let's all get together and put in on some_________" The only thing that threw me is that she extended the invitation like a party hosting. "Would you like to come to a ______ bash"? THEN, once I agree to come, she hits me with the money request. I would have felt different about this if she's started off with the "Let's all get together......." angle.

-I don't think she's trying to make money, I just think she wants to host a party without really hosting a party. She basically is just providing the venue.

-When I (or my family) have hosted parties, she doesn't bring anything.....not a dish, not a bottle of wine, not anything. We aren't the type that expect anything, so it isn't an annoyance. It is however irritating that when she (or her family) host, they expect you to "put in".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am getting that this friend does this on a regular basis? I am surprised she has anybody showing up.

No, not regular. She doesn't host that often. All past parties were at her family's home (even though she did the money collection for the seafood). This is the first that she's hosted herself.

[Anonymous]

She's absolutely making money on this deal! $40 for shredded pork? $30 for seafood? Unless she flew in lobsters, she's making money. Plus I'm sure she's keeping the leftovers.

Walk. Away.

[Anonymous]

I think this is tacky. If it were a different situation, like "where should we all go after the movie?" and she said "Oh, we could meet back at my place, I have snacks but could you bring a bottle of wine?" or even a potluck- I could understand. The only time I was asked to pitch in was college or for a fundraiser and even then the hosts didn't ask everyone to pay a specified amount.

I have friends that would probably do this. They're so practical that they're totally blind to what is polite or socially acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Tacky.

[Anonymous]

You friend doesn't seem to realize that she's no longer in college. And I think that for her sake, someone needs to speak up and let her know how wrong she is. If you feel comfortable with it, she has given you the perfect opening to do so:


"Would you like to come to a ______ bash"?
---"Sure."
"It will be $25 per person to cover costs."
---"Oh, then I'll pass."
"Why?"
---"Do you really want to know?"
"Yeah."
---"Okay, it's rude to invite people over and charge them for your hospitality. Really, that's only okay when you're in college, but after that? No."
"Well, I just can't afford to shell out $200 for meat for everyone."
---"Then you can make it pot-luck or bring-your-own-meat or let people know about the money issue before they respond. By inviting them first and then springing the money on them afterwards, you're just putting them uncomfortably on the spot. It's rude."
"Huh. I had no idea."
---"Let me know the next time that you're having a party where there isn't a cover charge."