Hosts expecting you to chip in for their party

[Anonymous]

-Friend invites us to her home for _____(insert food item) bash.
-I accept
-She then says they're asking for a $25 "donation"
-I then say I'm not coming (in a friendly way)
-She asks "why"


Is she being intentionally dense? While the gathering is of family and close friends, why does she think asking for people to "donate" towards the food is acceptable? Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

That's INSANE... Who does that?!! I wouldn't go either!!

[Anonymous]

If it was a potluck, I would understand, but a donation, especially a large one for food like $25.00 is weird.

[Anonymous]

Unless the donation is for a sick child needing chemotherapy, this is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

It's called a "frat party," assuming there will be a keg there. . OP, you are not overreacting; your friend is super tacky. So what did you tell her when she asked "why?"?

[Anonymous]

This happened to us, as well. We were invited to a nice summer party at DH's friend's house. We accepted. Then we were asked to chip in $40 for the meat and to bring a dish.

I find this absolutely tasteless and tacky. OP, if I were you I would have declined as well. I will never attend a party like this ever again.

Yeah, OP, what did you tell her when she asked why?

[Anonymous]

Tacky! You need new friends. Yours have no class.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I haven't responded to her "why" reply yet. She's used to me sometimes forgetting to respond, so I may just leave it at that.

I don't even think she realizes this is tacky because they do similar stuff all the time. Whenever they (or their family) have a gathering, you have to bring a dish. I don't mind doing this, but that's not the way my family operates. When we host, we provide everything and this family comes and does not bring *anything* to contribute. So I find it tacky that when they host they always want you to pitch in.

They actually did something similar once before. They had seafood and asked if we wanted any, told us to have some, etc. A couple of hours later, my friend announces "Alright, we didn't have as many people eating as we thought, so the cost is gonna be $30". DH and I had NO idea that we had to "put in" for the seafood!! We should have been told this when they invited us to join in with the seafood eating. Not to mention, my husband is not a big seafood eater, so he didn't have much and ate some just to be polite. I paid because I didn't want to cause a scene, but I was pissed.

I guess I should be grateful she's warned us ahead of time about the donation, but instead I'm just really turned off. I'm tempted to respond that I don't make cash donations towards a party I'm not hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I haven't responded to her "why" reply yet. She's used to me sometimes forgetting to respond, so I may just leave it at that.

I don't even think she realizes this is tacky because they do similar stuff all the time. Whenever they (or their family) have a gathering, you have to bring a dish. I don't mind doing this, but that's not the way my family operates. When we host, we provide everything and this family comes and does not bring *anything* to contribute. So I find it tacky that when they host they always want you to pitch in.

They actually did something similar once before. They had seafood and asked if we wanted any, told us to have some, etc. A couple of hours later, my friend announces "Alright, we didn't have as many people eating as we thought, so the cost is gonna be $30". DH and I had NO idea that we had to "put in" for the seafood!! We should have been told this when they invited us to join in with the seafood eating. Not to mention, my husband is not a big seafood eater, so he didn't have much and ate some just to be polite. I paid because I didn't want to cause a scene, but I was pissed.

I guess I should be grateful she's warned us ahead of time about the donation, but instead I'm just really turned off. I'm tempted to respond that I don't make cash donations towards a party I'm not hosting.

I would just say, "it's not in our budget" and leave it at that.

But don't accept future "invitations" from this "friend."

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's necessarily tack to host a pot luck type party--I've been to plenty where the host says something like "We'd like each family to bring a side dish and we're providing the meat and drinks" or something...but that's always been stated right up front with the invitation...

[Anonymous]

Today good manners have been kicked aside in favor of expediency, greed ( of which your friend is guilty), and rude has become the "in" thing because "people are just too, too busy to be polite" Is it possible she and her DH simply do not know better? If you think this is the case, then this is an opportunity to help her by explaining to her that this is simply not done once one is out of college. Please let us know how she reacts when you tell her the truth. Think of it as a teaching moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I haven't responded to her "why" reply yet. She's used to me sometimes forgetting to respond, so I may just leave it at that.

I don't even think she realizes this is tacky because they do similar stuff all the time. Whenever they (or their family) have a gathering, you have to bring a dish. I don't mind doing this, but that's not the way my family operates. When we host, we provide everything and this family comes and does not bring *anything* to contribute. So I find it tacky that when they host they always want you to pitch in.

They actually did something similar once before. They had seafood and asked if we wanted any, told us to have some, etc. A couple of hours later, my friend announces "Alright, we didn't have as many people eating as we thought, so the cost is gonna be $30". DH and I had NO idea that we had to "put in" for the seafood!! We should have been told this when they invited us to join in with the seafood eating. Not to mention, my husband is not a big seafood eater, so he didn't have much and ate some just to be polite. I paid because I didn't want to cause a scene, but I was pissed.

I guess I should be grateful she's warned us ahead of time about the donation, but instead I'm just really turned off. I'm tempted to respond that I don't make cash donations towards a party I'm not hosting.

I don't get it....the fewer people eating the seafood, wouldn't it be LESS money for them?

[Anonymous]

It wasn't done in college, either.

It is one thing to offer to bring a dish, or wine, or desert when invited to something. No way I would participate in this, though. Completely off base.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the OP's acquaintance thinks of herself as someone who loves to entertain. (Yes, I watch a lot of House Hunters, and yes, I chose that verb with snarky intent.)

[Anonymous]

This is BEYOD tacky. When I invite people over I always plan on covering everything. If people insist on bringing anything I just tell them bring a bottle of wine, but that's totally optional. It just makes them feel better to come with something. I would totally distance myself from this "friend."