Need ideas for "logical consequences" for hitting

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 year old who used to hit and kick me when he was mad. That has calmed down now because he had immediate and major consequences when he did it, like losing screen time for a significant period. I also talked to him about how he hurt me and showed him a big bruise he left on my breast when he kicked me once. That was a big wake up call for him. I think he really realized that he hurt mom and he never kicked or hit me again after that. He was about 7 or so when that happened.
He did occasionally still shoulder me and give me dirty looks until recently, when in the midst of a major tantrum he called me "stupid dummy" and threw a wet paper towel he was holding at me. We didn't do much at that point because he mainly needed to calm down and go to bed. However, the next morning I talked to him about it and told him that because he had disrespected me and thrown something, he was losing iPad time for a week. That's a major blow to him because he LOVES that damn iPad. We also talked a lot about what you CAN do when you are overwhelmed with angry emotion so that he has somewhere to direct all those feelings rather than lashing out at me.
I have noticed that he does not direct his anger at DH in the same way. DH talks a lot less than I do and is a lot more physically intimidating when he gets stern. Maybe it's a mom/female thing?

[Anonymous]

Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

And they will laugh at you every single time because in most states, spanking is still legal. And you may find yourself the recipient of a lot hate from those parents you report on for doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Sorry, you are not the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

And they will laugh at you every single time because in most states, spanking is still legal. And you may find yourself the recipient of a lot hate from those parents you report on for doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Sorry, you are not the law.

Oooh, that would sure deter me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

And they will laugh at you every single time because in most states, spanking is still legal. And you may find yourself the recipient of a lot hate from those parents you report on for doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Sorry, you are not the law.

Oooh, that would sure deter me!

Sorry, you seem to think that normal, well-adjusted adults care what child abusers think of them. We don't want to be your friends. And if you're threatening to hit us - we'll get the police involved. Because while hitting anyone is always morally wrong - hitting anyone other than your child is also illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the logical consequence for hitting is to separate yourself from the child, in a way that is punitive. By punitive I mean the child goes to their room, rather than say out for ice cream for Dad. The message needs to be "I don't want to be around someone who is hitting me". This is about the only thing I'd use confinement to their room for, because it's such a huge deal.

I also think you want to be very clear that whatever your child was seeking to gain from hitting didn't happen. So, if he's hitting because he wants you to buy him a specific toy, that toy's not an option, ever (not on the Christmas list, not something he can save up for). I think too often we say to our kids, "Oh no, that's now how we do it, let's make a plan" and then the plan ends up with them getting what they want (e.g. you can earn X by not hitting for a week or something), and basically the kid learns that if they want a plan they just have to hit. If they're hitting to get out of a shopping expedition, then maybe you go home, but you go back and redo the trip the next day. Kid is confined to their room in the meantime, and knows the only way to get "out" of that confinement is to behave on the second trip.

I completely agree with this. It's not an everyday occurrance, but my 5yo can get physical when he is emotional. I have taken to being extremely honest in response. He just had an incident on the playground at school with a child who excluded him from a game, and when I talked to him about it, I said "do you want to be friends with someone who hits you?" Of course he said no. So I said, "do you think that boy will want to be your friend if you hit him?" Pause. "No." So then we talked about other ways that he can work through the situation. On the rare occasions he has hit me, he goes straight to his room. He will usually come out and apologize when he is ready, and when he does I am quick to accept but make sure to tell him that when he hits me it hurts my feelings, so that he understands why what he did was wrong. He is very sensitive to his feelings and those of others, and as he understands more and more that his actions have emotional consequences for others, the behavior is declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

And they will laugh at you every single time because in most states, spanking is still legal. And you may find yourself the recipient of a lot hate from those parents you report on for doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Sorry, you are not the law.

Oooh, that would sure deter me!

Sorry, you seem to think that normal, well-adjusted adults care what child abusers think of them. We don't want to be your friends. And if you're threatening to hit us - we'll get the police involved. Because while hitting anyone is always morally wrong - hitting anyone other than your child is also illegal.

NP. What? Spanking is not illegal. Please don't anyone's time "reporting" it. And yes, if you report your kid's friend's parents because they spanked him for hitting, you'll engender a lot of ill will toward you. Extremely unhelpful and unsupportive, but at least that family will know to avoid you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I do:
"Excuse ME! You know that hitting is NOT acceptable in this house! Now, if you have something to express, use your words. If you're angry, use your words. I'm telling you, if you hit someone at school, you'd get in a TON of trouble. The same thing here at home. This is the LAST time I'm going to explain this to you. Next time you hit, you get a time out because obviously you need to calm down, and a very serious consequence."

Then when he's calm, talk about what to do when he's SO MAD he feels like hitting someone. Strategies include:

1. Words, even exasperated words. "Argh! I'm so spitting mad right now!" Not always the best choice, but much better than hitting.

2. Calm down first. Cooling off in a time-out or chill-out space until you can thing of the best words.

3. Useful words: "I disagree with what you're saying, but I'm going to calm down before I respond so I don't say something I regret." <-- this is hard for me to model sometimes, btw.

Consequences are great if you've brainstormed them together:

1. Loss of a privilege or activity.
2. Need to write a letter of apology.

Whatever.

So that's what I'd say.

My little ones sometimes get very mad at me and (very rarely) hit, too. They have NEVER hit a friend or anyone else, as far as I know. The hitting is very infrequent and doesn't hurt (more a frustratin thing). They get reminded, time outs immediately and a privilege removed.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you need to get to the bottom of it- why is he hitting?

I'm not trying to be "nicey nice" here-- at seven, hitting a parent is out of bounds. I expect that your son knows that hitting is wrong and that there will be consequences, but he's still doing it.

I had a seven year boy who hit me occasionally in anger-- the only thing that worked was figuring out the root cause of the problem and addressing it at the source.

Parents who have never dealt with this sort of thing may be surprised to learn that punishment was our least effective tool to address hitting at this age- to work, it relies on a child having good self control and foresight. If a kid has these skills they wouldn't be hitting in the first place--for the sole reason that they wouldn't want to upset their parents.

[Anonymous]

My son hit me once when he was 5. I let him know in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable, and told him that I didn't feel like being around him, talking to him, or helping him with anything for a while. I went in my room and ignored him. He never did it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, take away something huge to him. Immediately, no warning needed for such an egregious offense. My son spit at me when he was six. I donated his beloved Leapster to charity the next day. If it hadn't been a school day, I would have made him come with me.

After the tantrum from hell settled down, I told him why spitting was bad, how it was disrespectful, and how he knew full well he wasn't allowed to hit or otherwise disrespect his parents. I reminded him that he can always be mad or be sad, but that he has to be polite when displaying these emotions. If that's not possible, he needs to go to his room until he calms down.

He's never spit or hit since.

+1. Alarmed by both the spankers and the softies on here!! If a child hit me at the age of 7, they'd lose something huge and never get it back.

[Anonymous]

I think all the logical discussion/removal of privileges approaches are good ones but there are some times when you just need the shock value of reactivity to emphasize how completely unacceptable that behavior is.

Our son---adopted as an older child and completely defiant and disobedient, took to pulling my hair when angry---counting on the fact that I wouldn't do it back to him. I finally said very calmly, "If you do that to me again, I am going to do it back to you." He tried me out and I jerked him up by his hair and he never did it again. If you can't control them physically at 7, then you are in for a lot of trouble when they are larger and can actually hurt you seriously. (And a 7 year old can cause a lot of damage---I got a bloodied lip from being head-butted when holding my tantruming kid on my lap to keep him from throwing things).

Your son doesn't pull the hitting stunt with your DH because he is physically intimidated by him. You, not so much, and he is testing his limits on that.

So in this instance, I don't fall in with the pacifists. I'm sorry---the natural consequence for hitting someone as an adult is that they are legally entitled to hit you back. That's called self-defense. So when a 7 year old hits, I don't see anything wrong with an immediate and hard smack on the rear, followed by banishment to his room. And then I would focus on affirmative reparations instead of removal of privileges--I'd assign extra chores---weeding the yard, sweeping the porch, with the explanation that in a family we don't hit each other, and when we do, we need to make extra amends to the family unit by doing something positive for the household.

[Anonymous]

I think there is nothing wrong with showing your child your are angry/disappointed with their actions. My kids know I'm human, and I hurt and get angry just like them, but I would never hit them back. If my 7 year old did hit me, I would hold his hands tightly to his sides, get on his level, and in my stern/scary voice I would repeat several times, "You DO NOT hit me." This would be followed by a cooling off period in his room. When he is calm, we can discuss things like causes, what to do when we are angry, and possible consequences. Discussing the behavior at the moment he hits accomplishes very little, but you must set the boundaries in no uncertain terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs help learning how to control his emotions. I would tell him that he is never, under any circumstances, allowed to hit a person. Nor is a person ever, under any circumstances, allowed to hit him (sorry spankers but your "logic" is a ridiculous excuse to vent your abuse. I sincerely hope your child reports you to the authorities and believe me, if I come across a child who tells me his or her parents hit I will report it every single time).

Anyway, you need to tell him in a calm moment the things that he is permitted to do when he is angry: hit a pillow, squeeze a stress ball, jump up and down, run in circles. Then tell him that if he hits you again he will be put in his room and lose __________ privilege (tv time or whatever). And then you need to figure out what is triggering him in those moments so that he can learn how to cope better.

Good luck.

And they will laugh at you every single time because in most states, spanking is still legal. And you may find yourself the recipient of a lot hate from those parents you report on for doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. Sorry, you are not the law.

Oooh, that would sure deter me!

In some states, you reporting spanking to CPS as child abuse could be considered making a false report unless you have reason to believe the spanking went beyond what was legally permissible in that state. You can face actual penalties for that. I would at least factor this into your decision as you decide whether or not to report parents spanking their children as child abuse moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think you need to get to the bottom of it- why is he hitting?

I'm not trying to be "nicey nice" here-- at seven, hitting a parent is out of bounds. I expect that your son knows that hitting is wrong and that there will be consequences, but he's still doing it.

I had a seven year boy who hit me occasionally in anger-- the only thing that worked was figuring out the root cause of the problem and addressing it at the source.

Parents who have never dealt with this sort of thing may be surprised to learn that punishment was our least effective tool to address hitting at this age- to work, it relies on a child having good self control and foresight. If a kid has these skills they wouldn't be hitting in the first place--for the sole reason that they wouldn't want to upset their parents.

OP, I want to be clear that I'm not suggesting "no consequences." Just keep in mind that the consequences are more symbolic than a deterring if a kid is having extreme difficulties controlling their behavior. It's the emotional control that needs close attention.

Spanking, as some posters are recommending, may encourage power struggles if the root issue is emotional control. The last thing you want is an escalating situation where you spank your child on the behind, have them get more out of control and then they respond by hitting you back.

We've tried a lot of different things, and learned by trial and error that a child hitting is about "response control." It's key to help your child learn adaptive responses to anger and frustration because these skills are lifelong. There are some wonderful books that parents can use to help a child with coping skills, re-framing their thoughts, self-talk, etc. These are the kinds of things a child can use their whole life and may build permanent skills in these areas.

Again, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a reasonable consequence, but the consequence is there to show your disapproval and may not prevent future behavior.