First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?

[Anonymous]

not to stir the pot, but i absolutely believe that when grandparents visit, at least part of the time they are around you should be able to do something. DS is 9 months, and when my parents visit, they play with him while DH and I straighten up. or go grocery shopping. or sleep.

we also have had DH's parents (live locally) come over so that we could do stuff around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don't let them or anyone on this board guilt you. The grandparents have the time and ability to come see you. They should be the ones traveling at this point.

I don't understand the current generation of grandparents. They are unlike the highly involved, interested grandparents that seemed ever present when I grew up (generally speaking). They are obsessed with what the grand-kids call them. It's terrible. And, yes, I'm of the camp that they have an obligation to help and, more importantly, spend time with their grandchildren. They should want to. Not on a daily basis but, yes, more regular than my experience and the experiences of those posting on this board (with regularity) show.

This really resonates with me. All of it. I'm experiencing this my in-laws to some degree. Especially the grandparent names thing. MIL actually did not decide on a grandparent name until my first son was 18 months old, long after he was talking. Then, when he turned two, she decided she didn't like it anymore and said we needed to teach him a new name for her (although he'd been using hers for 6 months). When we had a second, they wanted to change the name again! They love my sons, but their visits are more about coming and depositing a bunch of plastic crap in our house than in spending actual time together. They just seem to want to display the kids and take pictures rather than spend real time. We've 5 of the past 6 Christmases with them because if we would dare to visit my family or stay home, MIL holds a grudge and will not talk to my husband or visit us for 6 months or longer (this happened one year when we stayed home with our 6 week old). They also expect our family to do the trip to California to see them twice a year, despite the fact that we have two children under 5. We're decent travelers, but it's not completely easy. They have one spare room and we all pile into it. Everyone shares a single bathroom, because the other bathroom is an en-suite in their room. MIL sleeps until noon and so we endeavor to keep kids quiet until they wake up. and yet, staying in a hotel would be gravely offensive to them. We make the trip about three times a year. They want us to do it once a month.

And yet. I still kind of understand the other point of view. Why should we expect grandparents to travel all of the time just because they don't have kids? Why do we expect them to just want to shelve whatever they are enjoying to come and hang out with our kids all of the time? Why should all of the effort be in their court? I should take a moment to say this is NOT directed at OP, but rather at some of the posters who are saying grandparents are different these days. The point isn't to criticize those people either, but just to agree, but say that's just the way it is. My MIL does not work, but my mom does. And so does my stepmom. They don't have the same amount of energy to expend on the grandkids as my grandmother, who was at home from the moment she had my dad, had to spend on me. And there is more out there for them to do. to be honest, in the "olden" days, all grandparents had to look forward to is grandkids. I'm not saying it's better or worse, just different. They also have SO MUCH else going on. My in-laws are taking a trip to Africa this summer. They travel constantly. My grandparents did not have that option. And my grandparents were also local. We, as the kids of our parents (DH and I) chose to move away. My parents did not say "hey, how about you move 500 miles away to Washington, DC?" and my inlaws did not tell my DH to move 2500 miles away. I know they miss us. They didn't move away, it was the other way around. So, while it annoys the shit out of me, and does not excuse the manipulative side of things (where we feel we simply CAN'T make a choice they don't like or we'll pay for it with a lengthy grudge) I can see why it's not completely fair to expect them to do all of the traveling, even if it is easier.

For this reason, I made my peace with the situation by deciding where I wanted to draw the line. Travel with a 6 week old to break my back to get to a Christmas that none of us would enjoy just to please someone who I felt was being unreasonable and inflexible? No way. And we dealt with the fallout. On the other hand, when MIL says "It's hard for us to leave my parents at Christmas, because we don't have many more Christmases with them," I take that to heart. She means it. She didn't move away from her family, we did.

Families, both nuclear and extended, are always going to be a delicate balancing act. If you don't feel it now, you will when your children grow old and move away (even as I think "please, stay close, baby boys!" it is likely they will wander). The compromises you seem to make for one person or family unit turn out to be compromises you make for your family.

So OP, do what you need to do for now, but don't bend your brain too much worrying about fairness, equality, or who owes who a visit. You can only control (and fully understand) what you do. You need to decide for yourself whether or not spending time with (at their home or yours) these grandparents is worth it. If it is, make it so. Two hours in a car is not easy with some kids, but it is certainly doable, and is a weekend trip. Of course you do not need to do it every month, but you can do it, of course you can. Does it really matter that it is easier for them to visit you? Decide as a family how to deal with this, and then follow through. You can only control your side of it, though, and make the best of it however you can.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've made it so clear they are welcome to visit you, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't let them guilt you.

Yes, this. Don't worry about it.

This. Seems like you have to set boundaries with these people. I wouldn't want to travel with a baby up 2-3 times a night either. Stick to your guns.

She's not talking about traveling overnight. They live two hours away.

My baby is up this much and if I had to drive 4 hours in a day I would probably crash the car. I'm sorry, if they're retired it is much easier for them to make the trip than for two full time working parents with a 6 month old and a dog.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it's unreasonable that you don't want to travel. I do think that 4 total hours of travel time there and back is little enough that you may be more worried about this than you should be, but I understand standing on principle.

In your parents' and in laws' defense, it is possible that they think that a visit up to your house might be EASIER for you. That it might be more like a vacation, where you're at someone else's house and someone else is doing the cooking and cleaning. This is certainly how my mom sees it, and how I see it when it comes to her house, and why I travel to see her as often as my work schedule permits, despite her living on the west coast.

I think that it's also really important to not make it an obligation to see the grandchild. You want them to WANT to see you. When they want to come, the visits are usually more fun for everyone. I know how I behave during "obligatory" family holidays. It is not with the enthusiasm that I behave during holidays that I actually look forward to.

[Anonymous]

don't fall for the guilt trip! let them come to u!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:don't fall for the guilt trip! let them come to u!!

Always and forever? Once you have a child you no longer have any obligation to the people who GAVE BIRTH TO YOU? I understand not wanting to travel very much (or at all) during the first few months. But, traveling with a six month old is easier than traveling with a toddler (or a toddler AND a baby, which is usually how it works.) I say travel now and build up some good will for later when it really will be much harder.

How is it a guilt trip for people to point out that life involves engaging in recipricol relationships in which both parties give and take? Ask them to come (on a specific weekend and plan a specific event i.e. "Its Baby's first trip to the zoo and we want you to be part of it.") AND offer to go (maybe for a specific event that you pick i.e "Dad's birthday is next month. We wanted to come up and celebrate for the day.")

For those of you who won't travel to see family, have you just given up on being part of an extended, multi-generational family unless that family agrees to revolve entirely around you?

[Anonymous]

When my sister's kids were little my parents visited pretty often with my grandmother (so the kid's great-grandmother.) The situation isn't quite the same because she was in her seventies at the time, but she finally told my mother that she didn't want to go again because every time they went, my sister and her husband would hand the kids over and use the time to get stuff done (squeeze in a little work, run errands, clean the house.) My grandmother felt like she was stuck in the house with the kids all day and they were too much for her to take.

Might your parents feel like when they come, you don't really make it about them having quality time with the baby, but have them serving as babysitters while you do other things? If you pitch it to them as a "visit" but you are really asking for "childcare" they might not really want to come.

Your sister and her husband would hand the kids over to the grandparents, or the great-grandmother? If the latter, I guess that's inappropriate, but if it's the former, I have to say that spending time with their grandchildren should be the grandparents' pleasure. Why else are they coming to visit, or want you to come to visit, if not to spend time with the kids? When my parents come to visit or we come there, it is expected that they will bear a fair amount of the childcare load while we (DH and I) get a break from the kids. Goodness knows, my parents wouldn't come to visit nearly as much if it were just to see me and my husband.

My husband's mom feels the way your grandmother does, and comes to visit about once a year even though she's retired. Frankly I think she (my MIL) is self-centered and childish, and I feel no compunction about visiting her only when my husband mandates it, which is about once every two years.

[Anonymous]

It's all relative. I would give anything to be within 2 hours of family. Instead I am 3000 miles and 3 times zones away and it is a huge and expensive pain to go home now. My God - you could load the car and be there by 10 am, visit, have a nice lunch, and be back by dinner if you had to/wanted to. I think I would feel lucky to have your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't fall for the guilt trip! let them come to u!!

Always and forever? Once you have a child you no longer have any obligation to the people who GAVE BIRTH TO YOU? I understand not wanting to travel very much (or at all) during the first few months. But, traveling with a six month old is easier than traveling with a toddler (or a toddler AND a baby, which is usually how it works.) I say travel now and build up some good will for later when it really will be much harder.

How is it a guilt trip for people to point out that life involves engaging in recipricol relationships in which both parties give and take? Ask them to come (on a specific weekend and plan a specific event i.e. "Its Baby's first trip to the zoo and we want you to be part of it.") AND offer to go (maybe for a specific event that you pick i.e "Dad's birthday is next month. We wanted to come up and celebrate for the day.")

For those of you who won't travel to see family, have you just given up on being part of an extended, multi-generational family unless that family agrees to revolve entirely around you?

Not OP, but we do have at least a reciprocal relationship. However, my in-laws travel more frequently and further for the other child & grandchildren (not ours) who don't travel to see them ever. So we no longer feel obligated to visit frequently given their lack of enthusiasm to visit us. I'd rather spend $$$ to fly to see my family who are much more interactive and fun for all of us.

Another problem is access to certain family members, i.e. 10 hour drive, no direct flights / no central airport. We can't travel to see someone who is 5 hour 1-stop flight plus 1 hour drive or 3 hour flight, 3 hour drive. It's just too much travel over a holiday weekend and our vacation time is very limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all relative. I would give anything to be within 2 hours of family. Instead I am 3000 miles and 3 times zones away and it is a huge and expensive pain to go home now. My God - you could load the car and be there by 10 am, visit, have a nice lunch, and be back by dinner if you had to/wanted to. I think I would feel lucky to have your problem.

ITA - since our DC started 2 hour naps at 1 year, a 2 hour drive would be a breeze! I'd start before naptime, get there after or start at bedtime and be there before 8pm. Our drive is 4.5 hours which is brutal with a toddler that still doesn't sleep through the night. (Typically we'd arrive at 12 or 1am).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When my sister's kids were little my parents visited pretty often with my grandmother (so the kid's great-grandmother.) The situation isn't quite the same because she was in her seventies at the time, but she finally told my mother that she didn't want to go again because every time they went, my sister and her husband would hand the kids over and use the time to get stuff done (squeeze in a little work, run errands, clean the house.) My grandmother felt like she was stuck in the house with the kids all day and they were too much for her to take.

Might your parents feel like when they come, you don't really make it about them having quality time with the baby, but have them serving as babysitters while you do other things? If you pitch it to them as a "visit" but you are really asking for "childcare" they might not really want to come.

Your sister and her husband would hand the kids over to the grandparents, or the great-grandmother? If the latter, I guess that's inappropriate, but if it's the former, I have to say that spending time with their grandchildren should be the grandparents' pleasure. Why else are they coming to visit, or want you to come to visit, if not to spend time with the kids? When my parents come to visit or we come there, it is expected that they will bear a fair amount of the childcare load while we (DH and I) get a break from the kids. Goodness knows, my parents wouldn't come to visit nearly as much if it were just to see me and my husband.

My husband's mom feels the way your grandmother does, and comes to visit about once a year even though she's retired. Frankly I think she (my MIL) is self-centered and childish, and I feel no compunction about visiting her only when my husband mandates it, which is about once every two years.

I'm the poster you are quoting. My parents do come all the time and do tons of childcare. We have left our own kids (now school age) kids with my parents for a week at at time. But, my great-grandmother was in her late seventies at the time and found the kids (toddlers) too much to handle. My point to the OP was maybe this was something to look at. (It sounds like it isn't the case for her.)

I do think that some people find kids to be hard to handle and just don't seek out time with them. Its just a personality thing. Some people also get more excited when the baby stage is over and the kids are more interesting and interactive.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster you are quoting. My parents do come all the time and do tons of childcare. We have left our own kids (now school age) kids with my parents for a week at at time. But, my great-grandmother was in her late seventies at the time and found the kids (toddlers) too much to handle. My point to the OP was maybe this was something to look at. (It sounds like it isn't the case for her.)

I do think that some people find kids to be hard to handle and just don't seek out time with them. Its just a personality thing. Some people also get more excited when the baby stage is over and the kids are more interesting and interactive.

I think it's a different situation with respect to the kids' grandparents vs. great-grandparents. I certainly wouldn't expect my 86-year-old great-grandmother to take care of my kids or want to do so for any extended period of time. But as you note, that's not the situation here.

However, I disagree with your comment to the extent that it implies that, with respect to any able-bodied kids' grandparents, this is a legitimate reason that they might not want to do their share of the visits or give a guilt trip if you don't pack up the family and visit them on a regular basis. We go visit my parents (1,100 miles away) 3-4 times a year, and it's the best vacation my husband and I get because we can sleep late, go out to a movie, etc. They also come visit us 3-4 times a year, though I think they'd rather see us on their own turf (bigger house, no cats). If they did not come to visit, and if us shlepping to their house wasn't totally worth it for all of us in terms of the time they spend with the kids, I would have no problem with saying, "OK, we'll come visit once a year; otherwise, if you want to see us, make an effort." That's pretty much what I do with my totally able-bodied but self-centered MIL.

I agree that there "are some people find kids to be hard to handle and just don't seek out time with them." I think when those people are grandparents (who don't just magically become grandparents; these kids are the children of their children), it's unacceptable. To them I would think (and I do with my MIL), get over yourself and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I'm the PP, and I meant my 86-year-old grandmother, my kids' great-grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't fall for the guilt trip! let them come to u!!

Always and forever? Once you have a child you no longer have any obligation to the people who GAVE BIRTH TO YOU? I understand not wanting to travel very much (or at all) during the first few months. But, traveling with a six month old is easier than traveling with a toddler (or a toddler AND a baby, which is usually how it works.) I say travel now and build up some good will for later when it really will be much harder.

How is it a guilt trip for people to point out that life involves engaging in recipricol relationships in which both parties give and take? Ask them to come (on a specific weekend and plan a specific event i.e. "Its Baby's first trip to the zoo and we want you to be part of it.") AND offer to go (maybe for a specific event that you pick i.e "Dad's birthday is next month. We wanted to come up and celebrate for the day.")

For those of you who won't travel to see family, have you just given up on being part of an extended, multi-generational family unless that family agrees to revolve entirely around you?

I think you're really oversimplifying things. Yes, it would be great to share the travel burden equally, but that's often easier said than done. Travel is expensive, and so are babies, particularly if any kind of childcare is involved - I know the price of daycare has greatly reduced the funds we have available to spend on trips. Time off is also scarce for many people - I borrowed advance leave as part of my maternity leave, and it took me a full year to pay it back and build up a little vacation time. Not everyone is blessed with an easy baby, and I can fully understand families who choose not to travel because they're having such a hard time with sleep or reflux or whatever other issues might be going on.

I love my extended family, but I have a hard time going into debt booking airline tickets and it's pretty tough to arrange for travel when the leave bank is tapped out. I don't expect our relatives to go into debt visiting us either, so that means we do a lot of Skype and talking on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't know where the PPs are getting the idea that you want to treat the grandparents like free babysitting. Sounds like you were a perfectly fine host - they came to visit the baby, not to be served and entertained by you; don't sweat it. You are being totally reasonable by not wanting to deal with traveling with your infant, when you are working and are dealing with all the exhaustion of a young infant. Let them come to you, and if these are your in-laws, get your husband to deal with them on this issue. DO NOT feel guilty about it at all! As your son gets older, it will be easier to travel up to see them, and no doubt you will be doing so plenty.

ITA with this. OP, I think you are being reasonable. I think it's weird that his parents are not making more of an effort to see their grandson. Two hours - come on, that's nothing. In this area, sometimes it takes two hours to travel 20 miles in traffic.

Good luck.