Reply to First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Don't let them or anyone on this board guilt you. The grandparents have the time and ability to come see you. They should be the ones traveling at this point.

I don't understand the current generation of grandparents. They are unlike the highly involved, interested grandparents that seemed ever present when I grew up (generally speaking). They are obsessed with what the grand-kids call them. It's terrible. And, yes, I'm of the camp that they have an obligation to help and, more importantly, spend time with their grandchildren. They should want to. Not on a daily basis but, yes, more regular than my experience and the experiences of those posting on this board (with regularity) show.[/quote]

This really resonates with me. All of it. I'm experiencing this my in-laws to some degree. Especially the grandparent names thing. MIL actually did not decide on a grandparent name until my first son was 18 months old, long after he was talking. Then, when he turned two, she decided she didn't like it anymore and said we needed to teach him a new name for her (although he'd been using hers for 6 months). When we had a second, they wanted to change the name again! They love my sons, but their visits are more about coming and depositing a bunch of plastic crap in our house than in spending actual time together. They just seem to want to display the kids and take pictures rather than spend real time. We've 5 of the past 6 Christmases with them because if we would dare to visit my family or stay home, MIL holds a grudge and will not talk to my husband or visit us for 6 months or longer (this happened one year when we stayed home with our 6 week old). They also expect our family to do the trip to California to see them twice a year, despite the fact that we have two children under 5. We're decent travelers, but it's not completely easy. They have one spare room and we all pile into it. Everyone shares a single bathroom, because the other bathroom is an en-suite in their room. MIL sleeps until noon and so we endeavor to keep kids quiet until they wake up. and yet, staying in a hotel would be gravely offensive to them. We make the trip about three times a year. They want us to do it once a month.

And yet. I still kind of understand the other point of view. Why should we expect grandparents to travel all of the time just because they don't have kids? Why do we expect them to just want to shelve whatever they are enjoying to come and hang out with our kids all of the time? Why should all of the effort be in their court? I should take a moment to say this is NOT directed at OP, but rather at some of the posters who are saying grandparents are different these days. The point isn't to criticize those people either, but just to agree, but say that's just the way it is. My MIL does not work, but my mom does. And so does my stepmom. They don't have the same amount of energy to expend on the grandkids as my grandmother, who was at home from the moment she had my dad, had to spend on me. And there is more out there for them to do. to be honest, in the "olden" days, all grandparents had to look forward to is grandkids. I'm not saying it's better or worse, just different. They also have SO MUCH else going on. My in-laws are taking a trip to Africa this summer. They travel constantly. My grandparents did not have that option. And my grandparents were also local. We, as the kids of our parents (DH and I) chose to move away. My parents did not say "hey, how about you move 500 miles away to Washington, DC?" and my inlaws did not tell my DH to move 2500 miles away. I know they miss us. They didn't move away, it was the other way around. So, while it annoys the shit out of me, and does not excuse the manipulative side of things (where we feel we simply CAN'T make a choice they don't like or we'll pay for it with a lengthy grudge) I can see why it's not completely fair to expect them to do all of the traveling, even if it is easier.

For this reason, I made my peace with the situation by deciding where I wanted to draw the line. Travel with a 6 week old to break my back to get to a Christmas that none of us would enjoy just to please someone who I felt was being unreasonable and inflexible? No way. And we dealt with the fallout. On the other hand, when MIL says "It's hard for us to leave my parents at Christmas, because we don't have many more Christmases with them," I take that to heart. She means it. She didn't move away from her family, we did.

Families, both nuclear and extended, are always going to be a delicate balancing act. If you don't feel it now, you will when your children grow old and move away (even as I think "please, stay close, baby boys!" it is likely they will wander). The compromises you seem to make for one person or family unit turn out to be compromises you make for your family.

So OP, do what you need to do for now, but don't bend your brain too much worrying about fairness, equality, or who owes who a visit. You can only control (and fully understand) what you do. You need to decide for yourself whether or not spending time with (at their home or yours) these grandparents is worth it. If it is, make it so. Two hours in a car is not easy with some kids, but it is certainly doable, and is a weekend trip. Of course you do not need to do it every month, but you can do it, of course you can. Does it really matter that it is easier for them to visit you? Decide as a family how to deal with this, and then follow through. You can only control your side of it, though, and make the best of it however you can.

Good luck!  [/quote]

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