First year of baby's life: visiting grandparents?
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Anonymous
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Some background: We have a 6 month old and both WOH full time. DS has two sets of grandparents on DH's side. For one set of grandparents, both are retired. Another set, they both are still working. Both sets are fairly young (3 out of the 4 are under 60) and all are healthy. Both sets live about 2 hours away. The retired grandparents have only visited DS twice in the last 6 months. Both times were before he was 2 months old, so it's been 4 months since they have seen him. The other set, the working ones, have only been here once.
I had to use all of my paid vacation time for my maternity leave, so I don't have any extra, paid time off for a while. DS is still up 2-3 times a night, so we're not sleeping that well either. My husband and I use the weekends to rest, run errands, and enjoy downtime with our son. Both sets of in-laws are giving us a hard time because we haven't been up there to visit. The thought of taking a two hour trip, at this point, is overwhelming to me since I already feel like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a very thin thread. We also have a dog, so we'd have to bring him with us as well. I am just wondering if I am out of line and I should just suck it up and make the trip? On the other hand, I feel like they don't have anything preventing them from coming down here (especially the set that is retired) and we are happy to host them in our home. We have invited both sets, multiple times, and they always have a reason as to why they can't visit. A few weekends ago, DH called his mom and she was on her way to the shore (a good 3 hours from their home!!) to get some french fries, so it's not like they can't/don't travel. My parents are 45 minutes away and make the trip to see DS at least once a week. So, how often did you visit grandparents in the first year? |
Anonymous
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If you've made it so clear they are welcome to visit you, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't let them guilt you.
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Anonymous
| Yeah for real-you've made the offer, if they can't extend themselves then they can wait until you are in a better position to make the trip. |
Anonymous
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When my sister's kids were little my parents visited pretty often with my grandmother (so the kid's great-grandmother.) The situation isn't quite the same because she was in her seventies at the time, but she finally told my mother that she didn't want to go again because every time they went, my sister and her husband would hand the kids over and use the time to get stuff done (squeeze in a little work, run errands, clean the house.) My grandmother felt like she was stuck in the house with the kids all day and they were too much for her to take.
Might your parents feel like when they come, you don't really make it about them having quality time with the baby, but have them serving as babysitters while you do other things? If you pitch it to them as a "visit" but you are really asking for "childcare" they might not really want to come. |
Anonymous
| I sucked it up and went, but always planned my trips around events I wanted to attend or big holidays. Unless this is going to be your only child, you really have years before your life gets any more sane than it is. Unless you want this to be a battle/issue that goes on for years, you eventually have to figure out how to step out of your routines without totally upsetting your apple cart. as for the number, we have been pretty consistent with a late spring visit, summer visit, fall visit and long Thanksgiving weekend to my in laws. For my side of the family, we go in the early summer, mid fall and a few special events like baby showers. We're 2 hours from my in laws and 2.5 from my family. |
Anonymous
ITA. Just wanted to stress the anti-guilt-trip clause! |
Anonymous
Agreed. And I say this as someone who traipsed all over the country with my first, and a fair amount with my 2nd. That said, it is worthwhile to make the effort occasionally, You just need it to be on your schedule/time frame. So pick a date in the future when you think it would work - ideally like a PP said when there is something else going on in the area that you would like to see - and plan a visit. Then if the grandparents want to see more of their grandchild, they can com visit whenever they wish. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. Don't worry about it. |
Anonymous
I was thinking the same thing. Grandparents come to visit not to clean, cook, and babysit and, no, they don't owe you anything. I've known people who do exactly what PP has described. |
Anonymous
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Grandparents don't have any obligation to babysit for you. It sounds like that's what you want them to do
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Anonymous
| Our families live about 600 miles away, so we usually fly to see them. We flew home about four times during our son's first year of life. Both grandmothers visited several times, as did one grandfather. All but one uncle/aunt pair visited at least once, too. |
Anonymous
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OP here... we are making a trip to visit them on Thanksgiving, so we'll visit them at least once this year.
I admit wasn't the best host when they came to visit when DS was first born. We ordered take out food and just hung out around the house. Although, I definitely didn't hand DS off to them and expect them to watch him. I never asked or expected them to help with anything around the house (and they didn't, no biggie). I did excuse myself to go upstairs and nurse because I wasn't comfortable doing it in front of my FILs. Now that I think about it, maybe they thought I was avoiding them somehow? I was going upstairs every 2-3 hours and it took a while to nurse. Ugh, this in-law stuff is crazy. |
Anonymous
| We have/had this same issue. DS does not sleep well when we're not at home. He's much worse for us in different locations than he is for others. He's 2 now, and we didn't do this when he was younger, but - now, we just drop him off to spend the night at the grandparents (less than an hour away from each set of parents). We explained that he's much more work for us at their house, but if they want to deal with it, they can. We don't do it too often, but it seems to work for us! The parents still complain that we don't spend the night, but at least this way their grandson does spend the night. |
Anonymous
OP here.. may I ask why you think that? The few times they visited, I never handed DS off to the grandparents while I went and did something else. When they were here, we all hung out together and,, when it was time to nurse DS, I'd go upstairs with him then come back down. DH would stay downstairs with his parents. I am wondering if I'm missing something? Maybe I am giving off the impression that I expect them to be babysitters when they're here? I guess I'll mention something about it while we're up there for Thanksgiving and apologize for being such a cruddy host when they were down here. |
Anonymous
| We made it clear to the grandparents on both sides that we were not traveling with out children until they were at least X age (you can say 1 year old). Just say that you used up all of your leave for maternity leave and between that and the difficulty of traveling with an infant, you aren't traveling to see anyone, on either side. And then do it. Don't visit anyone. Let them come to you. You have a good reason. I have to say that with our 8 week old twins, that I would be hard pressed to try to travel with them for a while. I have no idea when we'll be up to traveling with them, but it definitely won't be this year. Period. |