Help breaking the news to my best friend who is TTC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was TTC for a long while and had to resort to IVF, I know that the process can (almost literally) drive you crazy. That said, your friend's decision to cut you out of her life is unjustifiable and a really painful thing to do to you.

In terms of going forward, I think you have to assess the friendship in the broader sense. Outside of the TTC issue, has she been a good friend - supportive of your goals, happy for your (other) successes, connected to your loved ones and friends, interested in you and your thoughts, etc. If she isn't even a good or loyal friend outside this TTC/pregnancy situation, then, well, I think you already have your answer. If she has been a good friend, I'd say give her another chance. Go out to lunch, tell her gently in person or at least via phone (don't wuss out on this), let her take the lead in how much you talk about it. But in turn, she has to deal with this and still be a good friend to you. No silent treatment. Otherwise, there's not much of a relationship to continue.

Why am I giving her one "pass"? The IVF thing can just make otherwise even-keeled folks "lose it"... doesn't mean you have to take abuse & neglect, just something to keep in mind.

Another IVF vertran here. I totally agree with the above. The process of TTC (and esp. IVF) can really make the most sane person crazy, so if she's a good friend outside this context, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Not to say that what she did was reasonable - it wasn't - but at the same time unless you've been there yourself it's hard to know how infertility can impact you.
I'd tell her in an email to allow her her own time to react. You might allude to the fact that youa re nervous to tell her bc of what happened last time but you'd need to phrase that carefully.
Good luck, and congratulations!

What other context is there, at this point? The friend didn't speak to the OP for a year after baby #2. I don't care what someone's going through - cutting off a "best friend" for a year for something like that is inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

I agree. OP has 2 children and one on the way, she should not have to put herself under that much stress to appease her 'friend'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

Agree with this. I'm sorry, but I take a little issue with somebody stating that infertility is the "worst thing in the world". There are a hell of a lot of horrible things that happen in this world, and while infertility is awful, it is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We *all* know there are worse things...

I would not have put it this way, but I agree with the PPs.

Infertility might be the worst thing that has happened to you. Those last two words are the key: TO YOU. Your friends' pregnancies are not something that is happening to you. You likely did not play much of a role, if any, on their decision to have children, whether that means one child or 11. I think it's important for friends to be sensitive to what each other go through. I would never make flip comments about easy fertility or how hard pregnancy is to a friend who is having conception issues (as I have seen some of my more thoughtless pregnant friends do to other friends). I also don't think it's fair for the friends dealing with infertility to project her issues onto her friends. They are your issues, not mine.

Totally agree. I struggled with infertility, and I didn't project my own struggles or deny my friends their happiness. If you are having that much difficulty emotionally, then it's time to seek a therapist. I'm not being flip. It's easy to lose perspective when dealing with a painful situation, and that's what I'm hearing in some of these posts. It's also easy to become obsessed with infertility issues. Any obsession is bad.

[Anonymous]

I've had the same best friend for 32 years. When I got married, she was going through a divorce, and yet she stood by my side at my wedding. Her husband moved out of their home that same weekend. Years later, when I was struggling with infertility and miscarriages, she got pregnant a month after she stopped taking the pill. I was there when she took the home pregnancy test, and I was there when the u/s tech told her and her second husband they were having a baby boy. Friends support and love each other through life's difficulties. If your friend hasn't done that, despite your attempts at reaching out to her, then maybe it's time to move on. If she turns your pregnancy into a personal attack on her, listen to what she's telling you...She's not your friend.

[Anonymous]

I have a great long-time friend who has been TTC for over a year. I got pregnant on the pill with my first and then after a month of trying with my second. She was the last in our group of friends to get married and now the only one without kids. I waited a bit long to tell her with #2 because it made me nervous but she acted happy for me although I probably could have been more sensitive in that phone conversation, it's difficult to know what to say or what to talk about (my pregnancy or her problem getting pregnant). Now I haven't talked to her in about 3 months....I'm not sure if she's avoiding me or not but I know that aside from the pregnancy thing our lives are very different between me having kids are her not. I love this friend and want to make more of an effort to maintain contact and be as sensitive as possible, allowing her to open up to me if/when she wants to about her struggles. I hope that we can stay close enough that when she gets through this tough period, or when our lives are little more on the same page, we can get close again. It's difficult maintaining friendships when your day to day lives are very different although I've noticed this is more obvious with some friends as opposed to others. I'd say tell your friend in person, mention briefly that you were nervous about it but didn't want to leave her out of the loop, try to focus on other things as much as possible and just be available to her to be a friend if she needs you, letting her know via your repeated contact that you will not give up on her and are trying to be empathetic when that's not really possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, u sound like a nice person/friend. While I understand why people are saying "that your friend is in the wrong", I believe (and ttc myself, I I am biased) but the cliche "do not judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes" (or something like that) is very much true here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, u sound like a nice person/friend. While I understand why people are saying "that your friend is in the wrong", I believe (and ttc myself, I I am biased) but the cliche "do not judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes" (or something like that) is very much true here.

Thanks for this. To those thinking the that the PPs words were offensive, I can assure you MANY women going thru infertility feel the same way (at least those with whom I have spoken have. And there are many; they come out of the woodwork when you yourself are experiencing isues). I remember reading one study that compared IVF to the stress of having cancer or loosing a relative.It may seem ridiculous - and it's not true for all people suffering from infertility- but it's true for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, u sound like a nice person/friend. While I understand why people are saying "that your friend is in the wrong", I believe (and ttc myself, I I am biased) but the cliche "do not judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes" (or something like that) is very much true here.

Thanks for this. To those thinking the that the PPs words were offensive, I can assure you MANY women going thru infertility feel the same way (at least those with whom I have spoken have. And there are many; they come out of the woodwork when you yourself are experiencing isues). I remember reading one study that compared IVF to the stress of having cancer or loosing a relative.It may seem ridiculous - and it's not true for all people suffering from infertility- but it's true for some.

That's fine, but that's not the point. Saying the pain of infertility trumps all other pain is offensive. It would be like someone going to the TTC and telling the women there to buck up because they lost their healthy child unexpectedly at age three (as my friend did) or they had a healthy pregnancy that ended in a totally unexpected stillborn birth. And so their pain was worse because these women have never lost a child that late. It would be absurd, offensive, and unhelpful, and several posters called out essentially the same thing in this thread. It's just not productive to post that your pain is the most imaginable. And yes, it is offensive.

And a "study" that compares people's pain or stress? One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

[Anonymous]

Infertility can be one of the most devastating things in the world. I feel really bad for your friend. Although, you should not feel guilty and it's not your fault. There is really nothing you can do but to tell her gently and offer to be there for her. It's good to acknowledge the issue at hand and tell her you know that your pregnancy is hard for her. I struggled with infertility (but eventually had a baby girl!!!) and when my best friend got pregnant during my struggle, what upset me the most is that she told me she was pregnant, but not once did she bring up the elephant in the room -- that i had been struggling with infertility for over a year. I wish she had just been straightforward and said "I know you are struggling and I am really sorry and I know this is going to be hard for you, but I am pregnant." And don't gloat about the pregnancy or act overly excited around here. Make it more about HER. I know a lot of people will disagree with me and tell you to drop this friend, but I am telling you, infertility is devastating. If you have dreamed of a family your whole life and then can't have one, it can basically ruin you. So, as much of a b*tch you think she is being, please be nice to her. She has it rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility can be one of the most devastating things in the world. I feel really bad for your friend. Although, you should not feel guilty and it's not your fault. There is really nothing you can do but to tell her gently and offer to be there for her. It's good to acknowledge the issue at hand and tell her you know that your pregnancy is hard for her. I struggled with infertility (but eventually had a baby girl!!!) and when my best friend got pregnant during my struggle, what upset me the most is that she told me she was pregnant, but not once did she bring up the elephant in the room -- that i had been struggling with infertility for over a year. I wish she had just been straightforward and said "I know you are struggling and I am really sorry and I know this is going to be hard for you, but I am pregnant." And don't gloat about the pregnancy or act overly excited around here. Make it more about HER. I know a lot of people will disagree with me and tell you to drop this friend, but I am telling you, infertility is devastating. If you have dreamed of a family your whole life and then can't have one, it can basically ruin you. So, as much of a b*tch you think she is being, please be nice to her. She has it rough.

Unbelievable

[Anonymous]

^^ Seriously!!! I'm struggling with infertility and I would never say that. The world does not revolve around me and my inability to conceive a child. Get real!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I am pregnant with my 3rd. My best friend has been trying for years (IVF, you name it..), with no success. When I told her about my 2nd, she didn't speak to me for almost a year because she said she felt betrayed that I had not told her we were trying (which we didn't really do avidly...it just happened but we were happy about it). Anyway, we have just got to the point where she can be cordial with me. It caused me a ton of stress during my pregnancy, and I was sad to not have my best friend in my life, but I understood that her pain was super intense. Well, now, just as we are making strides, we are pregnant again. We have always wanted a big family, but I find myself feeling guilty about being pregnant b/c I know she will probably flip again. I don't want to spend this pregnancy being stressed about this, and the thought of even telling her makes me ill but I know it will be worse if she finds out through the grapevine. Any ideas? My husband offered to do it by talking to her husband. I know it makes me sound like a super wimp, but it was truly one of my darkest times when this happened last time. How should we tell her?

She is not your best friend, she is not your friend, hell she is a frienemy. Keep it movin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, u sound like a nice person/friend. While I understand why people are saying "that your friend is in the wrong", I believe (and ttc myself, I I am biased) but the cliche "do not judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes" (or something like that) is very much true here.

Thanks for this. To those thinking the that the PPs words were offensive, I can assure you MANY women going thru infertility feel the same way (at least those with whom I have spoken have. And there are many; they come out of the woodwork when you yourself are experiencing isues). I remember reading one study that compared IVF to the stress of having cancer or loosing a relative.It may seem ridiculous - and it's not true for all people suffering from infertility- but it's true for some.

That's fine, but that's not the point. Saying the pain of infertility trumps all other pain is offensive. It would be like someone going to the TTC and telling the women there to buck up because they lost their healthy child unexpectedly at age three (as my friend did) or they had a healthy pregnancy that ended in a totally unexpected stillborn birth. And so their pain was worse because these women have never lost a child that late. It would be absurd, offensive, and unhelpful, and several posters called out essentially the same thing in this thread. It's just not productive to post that your pain is the most imaginable. And yes, it is offensive.
And a "study" that compares people's pain or stress? One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

There are publications about life's greatest stressors from countless research, the stressors can be positive or negative, and those lists and scales have been around forever, and are well accepted. Some of them: Death of spouse, of a child, of a parent, divorce, marriage, birth of a child, severe illness of a child, of a loved one, fired from job, career change, retirement, children moving out of home, .... and many more. (not listed in order)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had to go through years of infertility treatments and finally found success on my 5th IVF, I totally understand how much this would hurt your best friend. I have cut people out of my life that were pregnant, too. It was just too hard to talk to them about their pregnancies, their babies, how their lives were moving forward while mine was stuck, stagnant, and we were throwing money down the drain trying to get pregnant. My best friend has NO problems getting pregnant. She gets pregnant the first time she tries and even got pregnant naturally with TWINS the first time she tried for her second kid. It was gutting for me that she could get pregnant so easily and I was struggling so much.
If you love this woman and consider her a friend, cut her some slack. What she is going through is the most painful thing in the world. She lives in a world of the fertile: there are people all around her that are pregnant, having families, doing the most natural thing in the world and she can't.
When my friend told me she was pregnant and then that she was pregnant with twins, it was awful. I tried to be happy for her, but really it hurt. I told her that it hurt, that seeing how easy this was for her was terrible. I felt terrible for not being a better friend, for being jealous. I went months without talking to her, returning her calls. I sent her an email telling her it was too hard to talk. And, she understood. She kept calling, kept sending texts, cards, etc. about once a month to let me know that she was thinking of me. She could have written me off. She could have said ENOUGH. But, she could see through my pain enough to know that I really needed a friend.
If I were you, and I cared about this person, I would call her and tell her as soon as possible. Don't have an extended conversation about the pregnancy, how excited you are, or even talk about the symptoms. Tell her that you are pregnant, that you wanted to be the one to tell her, and that you agonized over this. Tell her you are so sorry that she is going through infertility. That you wish she didn't have to. That you wish you could make it easier for her. Tell her you understand if she needs space. Infertility is the most isolating experience that I have ever been through and unless you have experienced it you have NO IDEA how horrible it is to be broken in the most basic way.
Going through this experience taught me that there are very few people in our lives that TRULY care. And for those friends that care, they are worth a million.
You should also consider whether you played any role in your friend's ostracization. I have a number of people in my life that had no problem getting pregnant, were as fertile as they come. I managed to keep them in my life if they were UNDERSTANDING that I didn't want to talk about their pregnancies and babies and hear them make comments on "how fertile they are" all the time. Friend that would ask how I was doing, that cared. If they were sensistive to my struggle, they stayed in my life. Those that weren't, weren't true friends. I'm not saying that you weren't a friend to this woman, but you may think back on whether you could have been more sensitive to her plight. My generalphilosophy is that the one is pain should be the one cateredt o, no tthe other way around. And, infertility won't last forever. It may be a good chunck oof this woman's life, but if you are going to be friends for a long time...this will just be a short period of time in a life-long friendship.

I would have totally dumped you as a "friend".
You actually sound convinced that people - even strangers! - were getting pregnant just to somehow make you feel bad.
All these pregnant women were out to get you and make you feel bad! It was all about you. How dare they be happy about being pregnant and how dare they do it around you

Really? You would have dumped that PP? Well don't worry she would have dumped someone as ignorant as you long before you would have had a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, u sound like a nice person/friend. While I understand why people are saying "that your friend is in the wrong", I believe (and ttc myself, I I am biased) but the cliche "do not judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes" (or something like that) is very much true here.

Thanks for this. To those thinking the that the PPs words were offensive, I can assure you MANY women going thru infertility feel the same way (at least those with whom I have spoken have. And there are many; they come out of the woodwork when you yourself are experiencing isues). I remember reading one study that compared IVF to the stress of having cancer or loosing a relative.It may seem ridiculous - and it's not true for all people suffering from infertility- but it's true for some.

That's fine, but that's not the point. Saying the pain of infertility trumps all other pain is offensive. It would be like someone going to the TTC and telling the women there to buck up because they lost their healthy child unexpectedly at age three (as my friend did) or they had a healthy pregnancy that ended in a totally unexpected stillborn birth. And so their pain was worse because these women have never lost a child that late. It would be absurd, offensive, and unhelpful, and several posters called out essentially the same thing in this thread. It's just not productive to post that your pain is the most imaginable. And yes, it is offensive.
And a "study" that compares people's pain or stress? One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

There are publications about life's greatest stressors from countless research, the stressors can be positive or negative, and those lists and scales have been around forever, and are well accepted. Some of them: Death of spouse, of a child, of a parent, divorce, marriage, birth of a child, severe illness of a child, of a loved one, fired from job, career change, retirement, children moving out of home, .... and many more. (not listed in order)

Oh please, quit deliberately being obtuse at my suggestion that "studies" about pain really tell us anything about an individual and their experience. Either way, I know parents who have lost their kids and there is no way that infertility is worse than that. Sorry, but there is nothing worse than losing a child. I would say that about the stress of having a severely ill child too. I don't need studies to tell me that, since I'm human and all.

This whole topic is ridiculous and it's not about pain, it's about coping and dealing and OP's friend is not doing that in a healthy way. Like a PP said, she should have her moments of rage and anger but taking a whole year and not talking to your best friend who had the nerve to get pregnant (since no doubt OP got pregnant just to rub it in her face, right)? Ridiculous.