Help breaking the news to my best friend who is TTC

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I am pregnant with my 3rd. My best friend has been trying for years (IVF, you name it..), with no success. When I told her about my 2nd, she didn't speak to me for almost a year because she said she felt betrayed that I had not told her we were trying (which we didn't really do avidly...it just happened but we were happy about it). Anyway, we have just got to the point where she can be cordial with me. It caused me a ton of stress during my pregnancy, and I was sad to not have my best friend in my life, but I understood that her pain was super intense. Well, now, just as we are making strides, we are pregnant again. We have always wanted a big family, but I find myself feeling guilty about being pregnant b/c I know she will probably flip again. I don't want to spend this pregnancy being stressed about this, and the thought of even telling her makes me ill but I know it will be worse if she finds out through the grapevine. Any ideas? My husband offered to do it by talking to her husband. I know it makes me sound like a super wimp, but it was truly one of my darkest times when this happened last time. How should we tell her?

[Anonymous]

She isn't really your best friend anymore.

Sadly, people change and grow apart. Not talking to you for a year bc you didn't tell her you were "trying" - that's over the top on her part.

She may not ever be able to conceive. You will always have 3 children. Think about it - what kind of "best friend" can she be if she harbors resentment towards you and your kids for years to come? Do you just not see her unitl your kids are grown and out of the house?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP that this woman is not really your best friend anymore. A true best friend would be able to be both happy for you that you got pregnant so easily while also being sad/frustrated that she is having more difficulty. A true best friend would not give you the silent treatment for a year because you were pregnant. A true friend is happy for your happiness, even if your happiness makes her sad. It is also possible to talk about these things without giving someone the silent treatment for a year.

Did you guys ever talk about her feelings about your pregnancies? Or was it just a thing where she didn't speak to you and then she started talking to you again and you never talked about it?

[Anonymous]

It depends on her personality but I would write a letter. Be prepared for her to blame you for whatever method you choose. Someone who is in enough pain to blame you for not telling her you were having unprotected sex is also going to blame you for calling instead of writing or writing instead of calling. All you can do is be as kind as you can and be prepared for her being upset and irrational.

I'm sorry for the stress on your friendship.

And congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP.
When I got pregnant with my first, my sister had been trying (secondary infertility) and was devastated that I waited to tell her. However, she got over it. When I got pregnant with my second, she was a little better about it. I also had a friend who had been trying for a long time and I was so worried about telling her. However, she was very happy for us. If she really were your best friend, she wouldn't "disown" you.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that she is no best friend and you've drifted apart. Sorry but there is no way to tell her that will lessen the pain for her.

While I sympathize with her to a point, and it's completely natural to feel envy, even jealousy and resentment in our darkest hours, it's not healthy and after a while, not normal. Can you imagine how life would be if everyone who lost their mother decided to stop talking to everyone in their life who had a living mother they were close to? Or a parent who has lost a child did the same? Or everyone with cancer was not able to be friends with those who are healthy? As a society we wouldn't get very far.

Like I said, totally normal for her to feel sad, jealous, resentful, and have her moments of tearful, angry rage. But a healthy person learns ways to cope and moves on at some point, and not talking to you for a year because you got pregnant is a big sign she is not coping. I find it hard to believe if you guys are childbearing age that you are the only friend who is having babies and growing a family. You can be sensitive and respectful and as kind as you can, but sounds like you guys have drifted apart.

[Anonymous]

If you consider her your friend still, you should tell her, as gently and as kindly as you can. Tell her you understand her pain, because infertility IS painful and you understand if she needs to withdraw for a little while to deal with things but don't make it a bigger deal than it is by involving your husband or other dramatic moves, it will just be a slap in the face and condescending.

For what it's worth, I doubt that she didn't talk to you for a year because she was mad at you, it propably was just very hard for her to share your joy with what she's dealing with. This happens to friends all the time. Where she erred is not telling you that she needs to withdraw to deal with her feelings.

Put yourself in her shoes and try to be empathetic but don't hide your joy or feel guilty about it. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isn't really your best friend anymore.

Sadly, people change and grow apart. Not talking to you for a year bc you didn't tell her you were "trying" - that's over the top on her part.

She may not ever be able to conceive. You will always have 3 children. Think about it - what kind of "best friend" can she be if she harbors resentment towards you and your kids for years to come? Do you just not see her unitl your kids are grown and out of the house?

I completely agree.

Honestly, I can't imagine my best friends acting this way. If she wouldn't talk to you for a year, she's not your friend. Give her a chance to redeem herself, but if she tries to manipulate you into feeling guilty or cuts you off again, let go of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others that she is no best friend and you've drifted apart. Sorry but there is no way to tell her that will lessen the pain for her.

While I sympathize with her to a point, and it's completely natural to feel envy, even jealousy and resentment in our darkest hours, it's not healthy and after a while, not normal. Can you imagine how life would be if everyone who lost their mother decided to stop talking to everyone in their life who had a living mother they were close to? Or a parent who has lost a child did the same? Or everyone with cancer was not able to be friends with those who are healthy? As a society we wouldn't get very far.

Like I said, totally normal for her to feel sad, jealous, resentful, and have her moments of tearful, angry rage. But a healthy person learns ways to cope and moves on at some point, and not talking to you for a year because you got pregnant is a big sign she is not coping. I find it hard to believe if you guys are childbearing age that you are the only friend who is having babies and growing a family. You can be sensitive and respectful and as kind as you can, but sounds like you guys have drifted apart.

THIS

[Anonymous]

As someone who was cut off by a friend who was TTC, I learned that it was best to let it go. Sure, it hurt like crazy but ended up being a good call in the end. Since then, I've realized that we really weren't meant to be friends anymore for reasons that didn't have anything to do with kids. We had grown differently and I was more friends with the "idea" I had of the friendship rather than the person herself. Not to say that she isn't a good person, just saying that she and I aren't a good fit - at all.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I have gone through something very similar with one of my close friends. She has one child and has been TTC another for a few hears and hasn't been successful. I, too, am pregnant with my 3rd and told her via IM while we were chatting. I felt like such a whimp for not telling her over the phone or in person. She never got upset with me for the other two, but for this pregnancy she didn't talk to me for over a month. I called her out on it and she apologized, but said it was so hard for her. I can only imagine how hard it is for women who are TTC to hear that they're friends are getting pregnant, but that's no reason to behave the way that some of them do. We all have issues and all have to deal with them. I agree with the others that she's really not your bf anymore. If she can't be happy for you and relish in your happiness she's not really going to be there for you. I'd just tell her and get it over with and be sympathetic and hope that she doesn't act immaturely again.

[Anonymous]

When you tell her, I would suggest email or a letter but not on the phone or in person. Given the way she has responded in the past, she may need space and time to digest your news. I've experienced something similar with a friend who was TTC and then I was sort of in the reverse situation when I miscarried around the same time friends were having babies. Keep in mind that women who are TTC or going through "baby anguish" experience so many emotions; some of them can handle those emotions and others can't so the only way they deal with it is by shutting people out. Not your fault. Congrats and best of luck!

[Anonymous]

As someone who was TTC for a long while and had to resort to IVF, I know that the process can (almost literally) drive you crazy. That said, your friend's decision to cut you out of her life is unjustifiable and a really painful thing to do to you.

In terms of going forward, I think you have to assess the friendship in the broader sense. Outside of the TTC issue, has she been a good friend - supportive of your goals, happy for your (other) successes, connected to your loved ones and friends, interested in you and your thoughts, etc. If she isn't even a good or loyal friend outside this TTC/pregnancy situation, then, well, I think you already have your answer. If she has been a good friend, I'd say give her another chance. Go out to lunch, tell her gently in person or at least via phone (don't wuss out on this), let her take the lead in how much you talk about it. But in turn, she has to deal with this and still be a good friend to you. No silent treatment. Otherwise, there's not much of a relationship to continue.

Why am I giving her one "pass"? The IVF thing can just make otherwise even-keeled folks "lose it"... doesn't mean you have to take abuse & neglect, just something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

I conceived through IVF after years of TTC the old fashioned way and 4 failed IUIs. In that time literally a dozen or so friends and colleagues had kids had I never cut them off or really felt jealous. I realized that my friends having kids was in no way a barrier to me having children. Dealing with infertility can make you sad, frustrated, lonely, angry - you name it. But it's not an excuse to treat people badly. I'm in total agreement with PPs who suggest this woman is not your best friend.

That said, if you choose to let her know about your pregnancy, tell her in person. Do NOT email her or write her a letter, especially if you both live locally. It's really patronizing to do the e-mailed-you-to-give-you-space thong. Either she can find it in herself to be happy for you or she can't. And if she can't be happy for you, then that tells you everything you need to know about the quality of your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Oops - meant thing not thong