Help breaking the news to my best friend who is TTC

[Anonymous]

I too tried to conceive for years before finally being successful with IVF. It was really hard when my friends seemed to get pregnant so easily. I didn't intentionally cut anyone out of my life, but sometimes you do have to separate yourself from being around it. Infertility is hard enough on its own, but then having to come face to face with baby showers, etc is sometimes just too much to deal with.
It sounds like you don't harbor resentment toward your friend which I am glad to hear. I definitely think the best way to tell her is in writing of some sort, bc I know personally it was hard to keep it together when people told me in person. This will allow her time to digest it on her own. I'd then recommend you all get together and do something completely unrelated to babies - like maybe seeing a movie or going to brunch.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

As someone who had to go through years of infertility treatments and finally found success on my 5th IVF, I totally understand how much this would hurt your best friend. I have cut people out of my life that were pregnant, too. It was just too hard to talk to them about their pregnancies, their babies, how their lives were moving forward while mine was stuck, stagnant, and we were throwing money down the drain trying to get pregnant. My best friend has NO problems getting pregnant. She gets pregnant the first time she tries and even got pregnant naturally with TWINS the first time she tried for her second kid. It was gutting for me that she could get pregnant so easily and I was struggling so much.

If you love this woman and consider her a friend, cut her some slack. What she is going through is the most painful thing in the world. She lives in a world of the fertile: there are people all around her that are pregnant, having families, doing the most natural thing in the world and she can't.

When my friend told me she was pregnant and then that she was pregnant with twins, it was awful. I tried to be happy for her, but really it hurt. I told her that it hurt, that seeing how easy this was for her was terrible. I felt terrible for not being a better friend, for being jealous. I went months without talking to her, returning her calls. I sent her an email telling her it was too hard to talk. And, she understood. She kept calling, kept sending texts, cards, etc. about once a month to let me know that she was thinking of me. She could have written me off. She could have said ENOUGH. But, she could see through my pain enough to know that I really needed a friend.

If I were you, and I cared about this person, I would call her and tell her as soon as possible. Don't have an extended conversation about the pregnancy, how excited you are, or even talk about the symptoms. Tell her that you are pregnant, that you wanted to be the one to tell her, and that you agonized over this. Tell her you are so sorry that she is going through infertility. That you wish she didn't have to. That you wish you could make it easier for her. Tell her you understand if she needs space. Infertility is the most isolating experience that I have ever been through and unless you have experienced it you have NO IDEA how horrible it is to be broken in the most basic way.

Going through this experience taught me that there are very few people in our lives that TRULY care. And for those friends that care, they are worth a million.

You should also consider whether you played any role in your friend's ostracization. I have a number of people in my life that had no problem getting pregnant, were as fertile as they come. I managed to keep them in my life if they were UNDERSTANDING that I didn't want to talk about their pregnancies and babies and hear them make comments on "how fertile they are" all the time. Friend that would ask how I was doing, that cared. If they were sensistive to my struggle, they stayed in my life. Those that weren't, weren't true friends. I'm not saying that you weren't a friend to this woman, but you may think back on whether you could have been more sensitive to her plight. My generalphilosophy is that the one is pain should be the one cateredt o, no tthe other way around. And, infertility won't last forever. It may be a good chunck oof this woman's life, but if you are going to be friends for a long time...this will just be a short period of time in a life-long friendship.

[Anonymous]

Spend 5 minutes reading the TTC board or better yet post your question there. I would tell her soon, perhaps via a card, and give her space. You can't understand her pain...no matter how hard you try.

[Anonymous]

Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

[Anonymous]

OP - I have been on both sides of this. I totally can feel for both sides.
Before I go into this, I suggest you post this also on the TTC board, you'll be surprised how different the answers will be that you get there!!! (considering the many posts here that say: "she's not your best friend anymore" -only *you* know if she was and is your best friend)

The pain of TTC -only few ppl who are not in the situation can understand.
My short advice is: Tell her personally, and tell her as soon as possible. Don't make any assumptions ("I'd understand if you want to withdraw" ...etc.)
Continue to share things with her, be gentle, and stay yourself. She will feel sad for herself, but if she's your best friend, also happy for you, although she may not be able to show it the way you'd like or think or hope, esp not initially.
The worst thing one of my friends did when we were TTC our first for several years was not telling me that she was pregnant for almost 4 months - in the light of all the intimate things I shared with her during those months, I felt like such a fool somehow. However, it all turned out well, as I just needed time, and she continued to share and involve me, and it helped. Fast forward one year, and we finally got pregnant, and were soo happy and excited - I knew I wanted to tell one of my close friends right away, and she is TTC. It was the worst; she started to sob and was inconsolable. She did not go through what we went through, and she'd been TTC only a short time... so I had all kinds of emotions, but she came around as well... I think if you do have a very strong friendship it can weather these difficult situations, even if it doesn't seem so at times.

[Anonymous]

My best friend has been trying to conceive for years now and we had #2 8 months ago. We talk everyday about everything under the sun especially what is going on with what ever method she happens to be doing at the time and what approaches her drs are taking now. I have spent days crying about how much I want her to get pregnant. After #2 was born she made me promise I wouldn't have another baby till she at least had one. That said, if I called her today (we live in different cities) and told her that I was pregnant. She would still be my bestfriend and understand I would never do something to hurt her. I am sure in the privacy of her own home she would shed a few tears but at the end of the day our relationship would be fine.
I tell this story because that is what a best friend really is, your friend doesn't sound like this. Just accept you have grown apart and focus on your family and supportive people in your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

Which two posts are you talking about???

[Anonymous]

Single nanny here... I'm at the age now where if I ever do meet a man, it will be difficult to conceive. My best friend had a baby 2 years ago, I am the god-mother a d was thrilled. When she got pregnant with #2, I didn't even mean to distance myself but I did. We live an ocean apart, but used to talk every day. I maybe spoke to her once a month throughout her pregnancy. I didn't mean to, but I avoided her. I felt terrible but still kept avoiding her. She sent me an email that she loved me and didn't want to lose touch, and I assured her I loved her and wanted to always stay in touch. But I didn't. It was so hard and I hated myself for not being a good friend. She had the baby and we spoke a couple times, then the baby was diagnosed with a heart condition when he was a few weeks old. Something clicked and I went back to being her friend. I apologized profusely and told her I didn't mean to be distant, she understood and we now talk every day again, and I'm flying 16 hours to meet him next month. He'll already be 6 months old, but better late than never.

I'm so grateful my friend took me back. I didn't mean to distance myself but it was so hard. On a side note my boss is struggling with secondary infertility, I've been with them since their son was born 5 years ago. I know it's hard for her to see her friends have babies #2 & 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had to go through years of infertility treatments and finally found success on my 5th IVF, I totally understand how much this would hurt your best friend. I have cut people out of my life that were pregnant, too. It was just too hard to talk to them about their pregnancies, their babies, how their lives were moving forward while mine was stuck, stagnant, and we were throwing money down the drain trying to get pregnant. My best friend has NO problems getting pregnant. She gets pregnant the first time she tries and even got pregnant naturally with TWINS the first time she tried for her second kid. It was gutting for me that she could get pregnant so easily and I was struggling so much.

If you love this woman and consider her a friend, cut her some slack. What she is going through is the most painful thing in the world. She lives in a world of the fertile: there are people all around her that are pregnant, having families, doing the most natural thing in the world and she can't.

When my friend told me she was pregnant and then that she was pregnant with twins, it was awful. I tried to be happy for her, but really it hurt. I told her that it hurt, that seeing how easy this was for her was terrible. I felt terrible for not being a better friend, for being jealous. I went months without talking to her, returning her calls. I sent her an email telling her it was too hard to talk. And, she understood. She kept calling, kept sending texts, cards, etc. about once a month to let me know that she was thinking of me. She could have written me off. She could have said ENOUGH. But, she could see through my pain enough to know that I really needed a friend.

If I were you, and I cared about this person, I would call her and tell her as soon as possible. Don't have an extended conversation about the pregnancy, how excited you are, or even talk about the symptoms. Tell her that you are pregnant, that you wanted to be the one to tell her, and that you agonized over this. Tell her you are so sorry that she is going through infertility. That you wish she didn't have to. That you wish you could make it easier for her. Tell her you understand if she needs space. Infertility is the most isolating experience that I have ever been through and unless you have experienced it you have NO IDEA how horrible it is to be broken in the most basic way.

Going through this experience taught me that there are very few people in our lives that TRULY care. And for those friends that care, they are worth a million.

You should also consider whether you played any role in your friend's ostracization. I have a number of people in my life that had no problem getting pregnant, were as fertile as they come. I managed to keep them in my life if they were UNDERSTANDING that I didn't want to talk about their pregnancies and babies and hear them make comments on "how fertile they are" all the time. Friend that would ask how I was doing, that cared. If they were sensistive to my struggle, they stayed in my life. Those that weren't, weren't true friends. I'm not saying that you weren't a friend to this woman, but you may think back on whether you could have been more sensitive to her plight. My generalphilosophy is that the one is pain should be the one cateredt o, no tthe other way around. And, infertility won't last forever. It may be a good chunck oof this woman's life, but if you are going to be friends for a long time...this will just be a short period of time in a life-long friendship.

I would have totally dumped you as a "friend".

You actually sound convinced that people - even strangers! - were getting pregnant just to somehow make you feel bad.

All these pregnant women were out to get you and make you feel bad! It was all about you. How dare they be happy about being pregnant and how dare they do it around you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you consider her your friend still, you should tell her, as gently and as kindly as you can. Tell her you understand her pain, because infertility IS painful and you understand if she needs to withdraw for a little while to deal with things but don't make it a bigger deal than it is by involving your husband or other dramatic moves, it will just be a slap in the face and condescending.

For what it's worth, I doubt that she didn't talk to you for a year because she was mad at you, it propably was just very hard for her to share your joy with what she's dealing with. This happens to friends all the time. Where she erred is not telling you that she needs to withdraw to deal with her feelings.

Put yourself in her shoes and try to be empathetic but don't hide your joy or feel guilty about it. Congratulations!

Don't tell her you understand her pain. Tell her you don't understand her pain, because your pregnancies have come easily. I suffered a different type of loss and the comments that most hurt me were "I understand" from people who had never had a remotely similar experience.

[Anonymous]

You are a good friend for asking this question. I went through five years of fertility treatments before conceiving my daughter through the use of donor eggs. As a couple of people have previously stated, infertility (particularly primary infertility) is an anguish that someone who has not gone through it could not possibly understand. Until you actually go through multiple IUIs, surgeries, IVFs and years of trying with not even a hint of success there is no way that you can ever understand how much it hurts to realize that you will not be able to do something that you took for granted ever since you were a little girl and which (seemingly) everyone else can take for granted. In addition, infertility is generally a medical condition for most people. Many of us did not "wait too long" and therefore have problems. No one ever seems to accept that and feels that people with IF should move on and adopt as if that is so easy mentally or in actual practice. Or they blame the infertile person as if it somehow their fault. Infertility is a lonely medical condition as most people don't (and can never) get it and because it does not kill you they think that you should be grateful that you aren't suffering from something else. Before I knew I was infertile I thought all the same things as everyone else.

I say all this to tell you that your friend is clearly struggling. She may not be the best friend you need and your friendship may end because of this because she cannot support or be happy for you in the way you hoped or she "should." But I can tell you as someone who has lived it, every day she gets out of bed and goes to work etc she is doing the best that she can. Maybe she is not a prime friend candidate right now...but she is still a person who has good qualities. They are just hidden under all of her pain. If it were me, I would want to get a note or an e-mail from you telling me the news. That way, she can process it in her own way. While she "should" be happy for you it is going to be like a kick in the head and she may need some time and space to be able to respond in the best way she can. Tell her that while you are very happy about your news you know that this is probably painful for her and that you would like to give her the space to be in touch with you when and in the way she can. If you do not hear from her that really is a pity and I feel bad for both of you. It is a sad situation all around. My hope is that she will reach out despite her pain and be in touch as much as she can be. Your friendship has already changed and will continue to change. All you can do is a friend is accept her for who she is and the pain she is dealing with (and the way she is dealing with it). Or not. And move on. Good luck. And congatulations on #3.

[Anonymous]

7:27 here again. I think it went on too long and cut me off. The last thing I wanted to add is that yes, she is being self centered and all about herself and not a good friend. And she probably knows it and hates herself for it. I did. Which then added to my depression. The kindest thing you could do for her is to offer a continued friendship in whatever way she (and you) can handle. If that is too painful for you, then she will probably get it and you will both move on. I do not think she reacted well by not talking to you for a year (and I don't think I ever would have done that with anyone) but she clearly has issues-big ones. Maybe not just the infertility at this point. So, again, you do not need to give and give and get nothing in return and no one should expect that. But, if there is something there that you think is worth salvaging then allow the friendship to be limited at this point and perhaps later (when she is done TTC, moved on etc) it can go back a little bit more to the friendship that it was. Good luck. And again, congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

Agree with this. I'm sorry, but I take a little issue with somebody stating that infertility is the "worst thing in the world". There are a hell of a lot of horrible things that happen in this world, and while infertility is awful, it is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We *all* know there are worse things...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Infertility is heartbreaking but it is bordering on offensive how those two posts were worded.

Agree with this. I'm sorry, but I take a little issue with somebody stating that infertility is the "worst thing in the world". There are a hell of a lot of horrible things that happen in this world, and while infertility is awful, it is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We *all* know there are worse things...

I would not have put it this way, but I agree with the PPs.

Infertility might be the worst thing that has happened to you. Those last two words are the key: TO YOU. Your friends' pregnancies are not something that is happening to you. You likely did not play much of a role, if any, on their decision to have children, whether that means one child or 11. I think it's important for friends to be sensitive to what each other go through. I would never make flip comments about easy fertility or how hard pregnancy is to a friend who is having conception issues (as I have seen some of my more thoughtless pregnant friends do to other friends). I also don't think it's fair for the friends dealing with infertility to project her issues onto her friends. They are your issues, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was TTC for a long while and had to resort to IVF, I know that the process can (almost literally) drive you crazy. That said, your friend's decision to cut you out of her life is unjustifiable and a really painful thing to do to you.

In terms of going forward, I think you have to assess the friendship in the broader sense. Outside of the TTC issue, has she been a good friend - supportive of your goals, happy for your (other) successes, connected to your loved ones and friends, interested in you and your thoughts, etc. If she isn't even a good or loyal friend outside this TTC/pregnancy situation, then, well, I think you already have your answer. If she has been a good friend, I'd say give her another chance. Go out to lunch, tell her gently in person or at least via phone (don't wuss out on this), let her take the lead in how much you talk about it. But in turn, she has to deal with this and still be a good friend to you. No silent treatment. Otherwise, there's not much of a relationship to continue.

Why am I giving her one "pass"? The IVF thing can just make otherwise even-keeled folks "lose it"... doesn't mean you have to take abuse & neglect, just something to keep in mind.

Another IVF vertran here. I totally agree with the above. The process of TTC (and esp. IVF) can really make the most sane person crazy, so if she's a good friend outside this context, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Not to say that what she did was reasonable - it wasn't - but at the same time unless you've been there yourself it's hard to know how infertility can impact you.
I'd tell her in an email to allow her her own time to react. You might allude to the fact that youa re nervous to tell her bc of what happened last time but you'd need to phrase that carefully.
Good luck, and congratulations!