Out of town in laws attendance at birthdays

[Anonymous]

When you see her just say hey, I’m sorry about the birthday. I figured I was seeing you the next week and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to drive all that way. In the future, I will send the invite and let you decide if you wanna make the drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Their disappointment is normal. They want to be around their grandkids and feel like a part of your family. They are also probably picking up on your subtle, but seemingly intentional, lack of inclusion. It reads like you're gaslighting your MIL to fit the narrative that you're the good and balanced person here. Fine, purposely don't invite them, but then don't make them out to be crazy when they're disappointed by your lack of warmth.
To other posters saying that it's DH's job. I guess, but did your husband's plan your kids 7th birthday party lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

A wife saying do not invite your parents is absolutely preventing husband from extending an invitation.

That’s jumping to conclusions. Mom was probably handling many items on the list. Husband probably forgot his parents.

This is a husband problem and a son problem. Women blaming women is sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Their disappointment is normal. They want to be around their grandkids and feel like a part of your family. They are also probably picking up on your subtle, but seemingly intentional, lack of inclusion. It reads like you're gaslighting your MIL to fit the narrative that you're the good and balanced person here. Fine, purposely don't invite them, but then don't make them out to be crazy when they're disappointed by your lack of warmth.
To other posters saying that it's DH's job. I guess, but did your husband's plan your kids 7th birthday party lol?

Disappointment is normal. Vilifying someone for disappointing an adult is a recipe for being disliked.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Curiously none of that was in the OP if that was the main concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

No. I was raised in a family where dad helped plan the party. He decided when he wanted his family. Sometimes he didn’t. Same with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

No. I was raised in a family where dad helped plan the party. He decided when he wanted his family. Sometimes he didn’t. Same with mom.

Sounds like you're not married or have kids if you're talking about your dad's role. When you "help plan a party" you delegate tasks. One person does the invite and another does another task like food, entertainment, rentals, etc. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

No. I was raised in a family where dad helped plan the party. He decided when he wanted his family. Sometimes he didn’t. Same with mom.

Sounds like you're not married or have kids if you're talking about your dad's role. When you "help plan a party" you delegate tasks. One person does the invite and another does another task like food, entertainment, rentals, etc. Get real.

I’m married with kids. When my in-laws aren’t invited it’s because my husband didn’t want them to be.