Out of town in laws attendance at birthdays

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

No. I was raised in a family where dad helped plan the party. He decided when he wanted his family. Sometimes he didn’t. Same with mom.

Sounds like you're not married or have kids if you're talking about your dad's role. When you "help plan a party" you delegate tasks. One person does the invite and another does another task like food, entertainment, rentals, etc. Get real.

I’m married with kids. When my in-laws aren’t invited it’s because my husband didn’t want them to be.

What does that have to do with this situation?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

[Anonymous]

I invited my out of town in-laws to all my dd and dc’s bday parties when they were elementary aged and younger. The in-laws always stayed with us since they live 3 hours away.

Even though I despise my MIL I thought I should include them in the bdays of their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Best to invite both sets of grandparents to things (if invite one, invite the other, partic. involving grandkids)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I invited my out of town in-laws to all my dd and dc’s bday parties when they were elementary aged and younger. The in-laws always stayed with us since they live 3 hours away.

Even though I despise my MIL I thought I should include them in the bdays of their grandchildren.

That’s nice of you. Maybe your kids will do the same. But it’s not how everyone works or needs to work.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

Of course it is. Did they both sit there and add addresses to the evite one by one taking turns? Did he invite his friends and she invited hers? The person putting in all the recipient information does all of it. It's not a 2 person job.

And he’s not doing any of it. His parents raised a spoiled man who doesn’t help with party planning. The daughter in law has to deal with her adult child. She doesn’t need them staying at her house too.

Ah the parents spoiled him but OP married him so she saw something good enough. Or she was desperate.

Or she married him but not her mother-in-law.

She married into his family. That's what a marriage is. But being petty and refusing to invite one set of guests is weird. OP is likely trolling to rile up the usual MIL haters.

No, she married a person. That’s why the marriage contract is between two people.

Then why does she see her in-laws at all?

That’s up to her.

If I were the MIL I would not test her boundaries with guilt or fighting. I would talk to my son.

If she had simply been invited to the family party it wouldn't come to that. See how this made things worse?

Or she can just stop inviting period, which leaves her even better.

Well at least you admit it was her job in the first place. OP is trying to blame her daughter for all of this using words like "at her request" and because "She really wanted her cousins" there as if the parents played no role in this whatsoever. And then they talked about the party in front of the in-laws they didn't invite. Rude awful people.

[Anonymous]

Weird to have old people at a kid's birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird to have old people at a kid's birthday party.

Have you been to a birthday party recently? It's not uncommon to see grandparents there. I was at one yesterday with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and school friends.

[Anonymous]

You can always count on DCUM trolls coming out of the wood work and bashing ILs for shits and giggles.

Look more closely at OP's first post. She didn't just invite her parents and exclude her ILs. She invited her entire family and excluded his entire family, and she did it on purpose. It doesn't matter what her reasoning was, and it doesn't matter what her husband did or didn't do--this is on her.

On top of that, SHE made the decision not to invite them. That's perfectly clear from her first post.

She made a piss poor decision. You don't have a birthday party for a 7 year old and invite your entire friggin family and exclude your spouse's entire family. Be serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter just turned 7. We had a birthday party with all her friends as she requested. My in laws live 4 hours away, we had already made plans to visit my in laws and extended family the weekend after her birthday party for a bridal shower so we did not invite my husbands family. We figured we would come early and spend a long weekend with everyone and celebrate my daughter with cake/etc.
My parents/siblings are local so we invited them. My nieces are around the same ages as my daughter and really wanted them there (nieces on my husband side are much younger).

My MIL is so offended she was not invited to her birthday and my parents/family were. Am i crazy for thinking this is absolutely out of line?! Despite the distance we see my ILs pretty often (at least one weekend a month).

I’m so tired of feeling guilty about inviting my parents to anything since they are local. My ILs live near their other grandchildren and kids so it’s not like they are alone. The other day we got a babysitter when my parents weren’t available and my MIL was upset because we didn’t ask her to come down and babysit. Is this normal?’

Next time just communicate the plan ahead of time, including your reasoning, and give them an opportunity to say "actually we'd totally come down even though we are seeing you the following weekend" if that's what they are going to do. They don't want to feel left out.

We never invite my parents (3 hour drive) to kid stuff because they never come. They made it to my older kid's 1-year birthday party but never to anything subsequent except major lifecycle events like a bris or bar mitzvah. They just aren't interested. They're much happier having us visit at some point and doing a cake then. My inlaws, on the other hand, are local-ish (2 hour drive) and want to come to everything including friend birthday parties. We stopped inviting them too when the kids got old enough that they didn't want their grandparents at their friend party, but we tell the inlaws that and arrange another time when they can come by for dinner and cake. Truthfully they'd rather come to the friend party but they understand that the kids want just their friends at this point.

It's all about communication, we work it out ahead of time and no one feels hurt. If they do, they have been mature enough not to say so.