Out of town in laws attendance at birthdays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

We don’t focus on socializing with the in-laws during the actual party..that’s for the kids and chatting with other parents.

The in-laws stay with us for at least 3 days and we talk then. Plenty of time to catch up with them.

I guess I wonder why on earth theyd even want to come. They arent going to be spending time with my kids, unless they think theyre going to be able to drag them out of the trampoline and make them chat with them on the sidelines or something. Theyre not going to be chatting with me or DH. Theyre just going to be standing there and probably bored and over stimulated, for 2 hours. Again- never even crossed my mind. We usually invite them down the weekend before or the weekend after to say happy birthday and go out to dinner if they want.

So why do the local grandparents want to come?

NP. My local grandparents come to help. They're helping to set up, cook, run events. I don't have to host them overnight either.

Are the cousins going to help too? They got an invite while some other cousins didn't. These rules certainly are confusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

Yeah, we get it. You don’t give a shit about your family. It’s all good.

Do you people who always invite grandparents to 7 year olds’ birthday parties never see them the rest of the year or something? We see my in-laws for every holiday and my parents for most of them as well. (Parents are much further away.) We see the in-laws for the kids’ birthdays separate from the parties - they come for dinner and cake. We see them for every adult birthday and Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. We vacation one week each summer with the in-laws and one week with my parents. We additionally see them all at least every couple of months just to get together. Also there is a magical thing called the phone.

I think they can all handle not coming to jump parties and birthday parties.

The issue is whether it is a family party or a friend party. In OP's case, she made it a family party by inviting her family.

Do you all realize how much work local family does on a weekly basis? My local grandparents watch the kids when they're sick, they help babysit, if we're double booked they drive kids to soccer games, ballet practice. They're cheering the kids on at weekly t-ball games. They know the names of all of their friends and their teachers. Local family should be invited to birthday parties IMO. Our local grandparents bought a house down the street for the express purpose of helping us raise our kids.

Out of town grandparents have told us that they should get every Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas since we see local grandparents more. I thought that was an unfair expectation for local grandparents to never get any major holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't you think most of it is inLaws just wanting to be asked? Being invited. You know how unlikely they are to come. Why not, though, make it a routine to ask them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are hating on op but I asked a similar question a few years ago and had a completely different response. Our families were coming to birthday parties and basically taking it over. They were all 4 hours away too. I had trouble finding venues big enough and was having to pay for adults. My kids wanted to spend time celebrating with their friends at their party but were overwhelmed with grandparents and aunts and uncles.

The responses I got on my thread called me an idiot for inviting family to a friends party and told me I had to have separate parties. People were insistent that I not invite grandparents to my kid parties.

Sort of funny but my kids are older elementary now and want to go on vacations instead of parties. And yeah now grandparents want treated to birthday vacations too even though they hate doing the same things as us.

You cannot be this dense. You don’t see the difference? OP talked about inviting only one family and not the other. It’s different if you don’t invite either.

Maybe one set of local grandparents are chill and help out and don't monopolize the birthday boy, and the other set of further away grandparents are not chill, don't help out, and do monopolize the birthday boy and expect him to come chat with them during his party. It's not like you have 2 children and if you're buying one a scooter, you have to buy the other one a scooter too, even if the other one is uncoordinated. These are all grown adults who you are not actually responsible for. You do not have to invite both sets of grandparents just because you're inviting one. If you have 5 sisters, you also are allowed to only invite 1 or 2 of them over for dinner and not all 5, because that's ok!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

We don’t focus on socializing with the in-laws during the actual party..that’s for the kids and chatting with other parents.

The in-laws stay with us for at least 3 days and we talk then. Plenty of time to catch up with them.

I guess I wonder why on earth theyd even want to come. They arent going to be spending time with my kids, unless they think theyre going to be able to drag them out of the trampoline and make them chat with them on the sidelines or something. Theyre not going to be chatting with me or DH. Theyre just going to be standing there and probably bored and over stimulated, for 2 hours. Again- never even crossed my mind. We usually invite them down the weekend before or the weekend after to say happy birthday and go out to dinner if they want.

So why do the local grandparents want to come?

I mean in my case, they don't! I stopped inviting them once friend birthday parties starting taking the place of family ones, so around age 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

Yeah, we get it. You don’t give a shit about your family. It’s all good.

Do you people who always invite grandparents to 7 year olds’ birthday parties never see them the rest of the year or something? We see my in-laws for every holiday and my parents for most of them as well. (Parents are much further away.) We see the in-laws for the kids’ birthdays separate from the parties - they come for dinner and cake. We see them for every adult birthday and Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. We vacation one week each summer with the in-laws and one week with my parents. We additionally see them all at least every couple of months just to get together. Also there is a magical thing called the phone.

I think they can all handle not coming to jump parties and birthday parties.

The issue is whether it is a family party or a friend party. In OP's case, she made it a family party by inviting her family.

It is not a wedding. Inviting one family member doesn't mean you automatically must invite all of them.

[Anonymous]

We always invite both sets of grandparents. It makes life easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

Yeah, we get it. You don’t give a shit about your family. It’s all good.

Do you people who always invite grandparents to 7 year olds’ birthday parties never see them the rest of the year or something? We see my in-laws for every holiday and my parents for most of them as well. (Parents are much further away.) We see the in-laws for the kids’ birthdays separate from the parties - they come for dinner and cake. We see them for every adult birthday and Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. We vacation one week each summer with the in-laws and one week with my parents. We additionally see them all at least every couple of months just to get together. Also there is a magical thing called the phone.

I think they can all handle not coming to jump parties and birthday parties.

The issue is whether it is a family party or a friend party. In OP's case, she made it a family party by inviting her family.

It is not a wedding. Inviting one family member doesn't mean you automatically must invite all of them.

OK - and then you get to deal with people being rightfully upset at the slight. And the drama is not being created by MIL.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to invite the out of town grandparents to everything! Especially, if inviting the out of town grandparents requires hosting and overnights etc.

#1 rule is that no one owns or gets dibs on your nuclear family. It is not a contest! You don’t owe one grandparent something just because the other grandparent was there!

#2 rule is that it is not your responsibility to make old people happy over the needs of yourself, spouse and kids. The out of town grandparents can pout, stamp their feet and whatever. Not your problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

Yeah, we get it. You don’t give a shit about your family. It’s all good.

Do you people who always invite grandparents to 7 year olds’ birthday parties never see them the rest of the year or something? We see my in-laws for every holiday and my parents for most of them as well. (Parents are much further away.) We see the in-laws for the kids’ birthdays separate from the parties - they come for dinner and cake. We see them for every adult birthday and Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. We vacation one week each summer with the in-laws and one week with my parents. We additionally see them all at least every couple of months just to get together. Also there is a magical thing called the phone.

I think they can all handle not coming to jump parties and birthday parties.

The issue is whether it is a family party or a friend party. In OP's case, she made it a family party by inviting her family.

It is not a wedding. Inviting one family member doesn't mean you automatically must invite all of them.

OK - and then you get to deal with people being rightfully upset at the slight. And the drama is not being created by MIL.

Nah. She’s creating the drama, and you don’t have to deal with it. Just tune it out. It’ll end the relationship, and you won’t have to deal with it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to invite the out of town grandparents to everything! Especially, if inviting the out of town grandparents requires hosting and overnights etc.

#1 rule is that no one owns or gets dibs on your nuclear family. It is not a contest! You don’t owe one grandparent something just because the other grandparent was there!

#2 rule is that it is not your responsibility to make old people happy over the needs of yourself, spouse and kids. The out of town grandparents can pout, stamp their feet and whatever. Not your problem!

Ooh, karma is coming to get you. And you will deserve it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think all these folks piling on you are a bit nuts, as we live here and we never really thought about asking my parents in NY to come down for every event. However, next time be smart and head it off at the pass and ahead of time and prime the pump and say “and let’s do something special for Larla’s birthday when we’re up there that weekend”. So they know they get to celebrate the birthday.

And yes, they have to realize that the grandparents down the street are going to see these kids more. If they’re that put out, are they going to drive in every time you need an emergency babysitter? Your parents get that “honor”. I didn’t think so.

So, let me get this straight. Because you choose not to invite your out of state parents to "every event" you think it's fine for OP not to invite her inlaws but her own parents to what most would consider an important event--a grandchild's birthday party? ok . . .

NOPE

Her parents live locally. They can just swing by, attend party and leave. She would have to probably accommodate the in-laws as they’re not gonna drive an 8 hour round-trip in one day which makes their visit at least a 24 hour visit versus her parents swinging by for a 1 to 2 hour party. Geesh. Lol.

The thing about having out of town visitors for a child's birthday party is that there is usually another night of dinner expected, maybe a brunch/lunch too... it's more than simply hosting a 2 hour kiddie birthday party. The out of town visitors want to feel like it was worth the trip so they expect more of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

We don’t focus on socializing with the in-laws during the actual party..that’s for the kids and chatting with other parents.

The in-laws stay with us for at least 3 days and we talk then. Plenty of time to catch up with them.

I guess I wonder why on earth theyd even want to come. They arent going to be spending time with my kids, unless they think theyre going to be able to drag them out of the trampoline and make them chat with them on the sidelines or something. Theyre not going to be chatting with me or DH. Theyre just going to be standing there and probably bored and over stimulated, for 2 hours. Again- never even crossed my mind. We usually invite them down the weekend before or the weekend after to say happy birthday and go out to dinner if they want.

You can always spot the entitled grandparents from miles away. They compete with the mom and insist on talking to everyone. Lady, I’m your grandchild’s classmate’s mom. I don’t want to talk to half the parents let alone listen to you talk at me.

I think by age 7 parents of guests are not tagging along to every birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I supposed to be inviting my out of state in laws to my kids birthday parties? I've never considered that. Why am I going to pay for 2 grandparents to come to SkyZoe from out of state. I wouldn't even have time to chat with them I'd be busy making polite small talk with the parents who didn't drop off, and arranging cake and pizza etc and making sure no one has a broken femur on the trampoline. I'm not interested in hosting a kids birthday party AND hosting my in laws at the same time.

You don't pay for people who don't jump at Sky Zone, dork.

It was just an example. And FWIW, I do have to give a head count for pizza, so yeah I'd be ordering an additional pizza if my in laws were coming, because you can't run out of slices, that would be impolite. Even if my in laws won't eat them.

What kind of cheap ass minimal food parties are you throwing? Do you have an exact count of pizza slices allotted to each guest such that there will be no left overs?

Well, you do need to know how many pizzas to order so you probably should know the approximate number of guests that are attending. Lol.

If you need a whole pizza because 2 more people might come you're cutting it way too close. Your guests will invariably show up with their entire family with no warning.

I have 2 kids and for all their birthday party events combined, I've seen party crashing only twice.
One family dumped 2 extra kids at a 9 year old birthday party unexpected.
One family of 4 showed up and stubbornly parked themselves with defiant glaring eyes in the house of the host for their 4 year old's birthday party where no other parents were hanging about (- the guests parents were explicitly told that it was a drop-off party). They sat there for 2 hours like that.
Let's just say that nobody was particularly friendly with these parents all school year as they were kind of off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing the issue for the op isn’t the in-laws coming to party. Inviting them means they are spending the night or several nights and she probably doesn’t want to deal with that when she is already dealing with the birthday party.

Husband should invite his parents. His parents should understand everything shouldered by their daughter-in-law and understand their son is doing a bare minimum. They should also stay in a hotel. This is what good family dynamics look like.

So everyone else gets an official invite and his parents just get the after thought call? Come on. Way to make your guests feel like 2nd class citizens. Were you raised in a barn?

The guests are the kids friends. The grandparents, unless they are helping with fetching the cake, ordering and getting the pizza, either lighting the candles or videorecording for the parents, cleaning up, washing the plates, maintaining order, unless they are truly helping, they tag alongs and just another burden.