When other kids are unkind to your kid, how do you keep emotional distance from it?

[Anonymous]

i hold the grudge, definitely. my kids are more forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Because I know my kid will be OK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay for you to dislike those kids that hurt your kid- the world won’t end.

You should also accept that those kids may change and will mature so these kids might circle back into your kids life again. I guess my advice is to not a hold a grudge!

Nobody said disliking or feeling some kind of way about kids who have hurt your child means that you hold a grudge against those kids for the rest of your life. I didn’t use the word grudge above- don’t put words in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

Nobody said kids don’t change.

But they've said they continue to hold grudges. Why? Something a kid did when they were 8.... now they're 13, and basically a different person... people are saying they still hold a grudge because "mom has a long memory".

Why do you care? If that’s the case, let them. In many situations none of these kids will ever be friends or won’t even be in the same middle school- it doesn’t matter if there is a secret (or even not secret) grudge held by a parent or not. Also, it depends on the situation- some kids can be very traumatized from earlier childhood interactions and lose a lot of trust because of it. We shouldn’t blindly teach kids to just forgive without discernment- sometimes a grudge keeps up a wall of very necessary protection to prevent further harm. It makes sense that would be a parent’s protective instinct. It’s pretty invalidating and self righteous to come on here with some Pollyanna view of the world that everyone can change and we should all sit around the campfire and sing, and retraumatize a kid because we preached that they should forgive everyone and their needs and boundaries don’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

[Anonymous]

I feel everything, but I’ve learned to process feelings quickly. My kids are older now, but it does feel like a gift I’ve given them without meaning to. They’ve all got good groups of solid friends, and very little ruffles their feathers. When things go wrong in their friend groups, they manage it easily.

When they were kids, I told them when someone is mean, that person is not a good person to play with right now. I told them not to overcomplicate friendship. Walk away when you don’t feel good. Find something or someone else that feels good in that moment. The same person might feel bad at morning recess and funny in the afternoon. They’re allowed to walk away from the bad and enjoy the funny. Over time, everything else will click.

[Anonymous]

One of our kids was severely bullied in grade school. We enrolled her in Taekwondo. A big part of martial arts is teaching people how to stand up to bullies and use your power with restaint. She became more confident in how to handle bullies. One time a bully started hassling her on the playground in fourth grade and she did a fierce spinning cross kick inches from that kid. Leave me alone. They respected her more after that. She and I had daily talks about how to handle bullies at school. You have to, because most teachers and administrators aren't going to lift a finger to help you. When you have a bullied kid, every damn day is sending your kid into a battlezone. Teachers and administrators will stand up for the bullies every time because they wear the right clothes and have the right parents. Teach your child emotional resilience. Nobody will do anything about the bullies, they remain free to verbally and physically abuse anyone they want to at any time. Nothing will ever change because the adults aren't willing to do the right thing and put a stop to it. So you have to do what you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

Grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

Grow up

Does it upset you to learn that other parents recognize your kid's behavior for what is and don't just parrot BS like "everyone's trying their best!" when your kid spends an entire year verbally attacking a classmate? I'm sure that's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

Grow up

Does it upset you to learn that other parents recognize your kid's behavior for what is and don't just parrot BS like "everyone's trying their best!" when your kid spends an entire year verbally attacking a classmate? I'm sure that's hard.

This conversation of “meanness” is the easiest and best to shrug off. You can hold onto it. But why? It’s like shouting into the wind: no one’s listening. You’ll just make yourself upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

You need therapy!

[Anonymous]

My mom in her 70s still holds grudges against kids who were mean to me like 30 plus years ago for things I don’t even remember!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 6:39!

I sometimes hold the grudge so my kid can move on. There is a girl at her school who has been awful to her all year, making fun of how she dresses and talks, claiming she's lying about things she's telling the truth about (often academic stuff -- both girls are above grade level but the other girl will claim my daughter lied or got lucky in placement exams because she can't believe they are in the same groups or levels). It was the whole year. Teachers did nothing.

I tell my kid I'll never forgive that girl for her behavior. I even say stuff like "she'll probably grow out of it -- her behavior has been really immature and she'll learn she can't treat others this way" but then say that I, personally, will not forgive her for the way she's treated DD. I think it's such a relief to DD to hear that someone, anyone gives a damn about the situation. I also think given the lack of consequences at school (either disciplinary consequences from teachers or social consequences from peers), it's important to her that this girl have at least one solid consequence for her bad behavior, which is that my DD's mom will never forget what she did.

It's that girl's own parents job to help her change and have faith she can be better (if they even care, I suspect they might not). My concern is my kid. She needs me to hold this grudge and I will. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I need her to know that.

You need therapy!

But their kid doesn't because she knows her mom will back her up when it counts. It's one of the best things you can do for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from NY. Smacktalk is our national pastime. Sticks and stones, baby. Like water off a duck's back.

What if it's not just unkind words though. What about when it's that weird relational aggression?

Like my kid got caught in this stupid drama with two other girls this year, where the two girls were sworn enemies at the beginning of the year and then one of them befriended my kid and my kid was like "yay a friend!" and then the other one also befriended her and she was like "oh wow, two friends, though it's stressful they don't like each other." And then the two girls made up, decided my kid sucked, and told her they didn't want to be her friend anymore and now they just stand near her talking about her but refusing to talk *to* her.

It is extremely hard not to dislike those kids, I'm sorry.

Look, some little kids are a-holes, or go through an a-hole period. And that period may be VERY long, like multiple years, or may just be a short time. Teach your kid to walk away if people are talking about her. Why would she stand there listening to them? She needs friends in multiple groups. I've always taught my kids to diversify their friend portfolio. If one group is unpleasant to be around, go hang out with a different group of friends.

+ 1
I have taught my kids to be floaters. They float in different group of friends. Also, I read and re-read "Queen Bees and WannaBes" and "Masterminds and Wingmen" for both my son and daughter, when they were younger to help them understand the dynamics. My kids will also call out bully behavior in others and

Apart from that, I made sure that I cultivated my own friend group in our expat community, among relatives, hobby groups, neighbors, friends - so that we had a mass of people and other children that my kids associated with. So, if one group of kids were mean to them, they had others and would appear least bothered.

Another thing was that we made sure that they were excelling in academics and ECs from very early on. These early successes built up their self-esteem and brought them in the orbit of other kids similar to them. As a parent, I made sure that my kids were busy, had awareness, were succeeding and chose kindness to others instead of being jerks.

More like cocky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from NY. Smacktalk is our national pastime. Sticks and stones, baby. Like water off a duck's back.

What if it's not just unkind words though. What about when it's that weird relational aggression?

Like my kid got caught in this stupid drama with two other girls this year, where the two girls were sworn enemies at the beginning of the year and then one of them befriended my kid and my kid was like "yay a friend!" and then the other one also befriended her and she was like "oh wow, two friends, though it's stressful they don't like each other." And then the two girls made up, decided my kid sucked, and told her they didn't want to be her friend anymore and now they just stand near her talking about her but refusing to talk *to* her.

It is extremely hard not to dislike those kids, I'm sorry.

Look, some little kids are a-holes, or go through an a-hole period. And that period may be VERY long, like multiple years, or may just be a short time. Teach your kid to walk away if people are talking about her. Why would she stand there listening to them? She needs friends in multiple groups. I've always taught my kids to diversify their friend portfolio. If one group is unpleasant to be around, go hang out with a different group of friends.

+ 1
I have taught my kids to be floaters. They float in different group of friends. Also, I read and re-read "Queen Bees and WannaBes" and "Masterminds and Wingmen" for both my son and daughter, when they were younger to help them understand the dynamics. My kids will also call out bully behavior in others and

Apart from that, I made sure that I cultivated my own friend group in our expat community, among relatives, hobby groups, neighbors, friends - so that we had a mass of people and other children that my kids associated with. So, if one group of kids were mean to them, they had others and would appear least bothered.

Another thing was that we made sure that they were excelling in academics and ECs from very early on. These early successes built up their self-esteem and brought them in the orbit of other kids similar to them. As a parent, I made sure that my kids were busy, had awareness, were succeeding and chose kindness to others instead of being jerks.

You think your kids are saints but they aren't. They don't understand what you think they do. They are likely self-righteous and overconfident like you. They, like you, judge kids who don't "appear least bothered." They, like you, judge the kids who don't have "a mass of people" or lots of other friends and relatives to support them. In other words, they, like you, judge the kids most likely to be bullied, ostracized, and made fun of. They might even have participated in it.