When other kids are unkind to your kid, how do you keep emotional distance from it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, haven’t you ever been mean (intentionally or otherwise)? I try to give everyone grace- but especially kids, they are learning. Doesn’t mean my kid should be friends with someone who treats them poorly, but I don’t need to hold a grudge either

Of course everyone has been mean at some point or another, but some kids engage in kinds of meanness I would never do. Like the weird triangulation situation described above where two girls just used another to workout their own differences and then ganged up on her. I can honestly say I have never in my life engaged in behavior like that and wouldn't, nor would my kid, I don't even understand how that happens.

With stuff like that, though, I honestly wind up holding the grudge against the parents, not the kids. I assume the parents are either checked out and not really invested in their kids, leading them to Lord of the Flies their way through elementary, or they are modeling similar dynamics and think it's fine.

I don't think this is fair.

Honestly, the situation that OP describes in kids this age, particularly girls, is so common it's almost universal. I'm 48 and I can remember a similar situation that happened to me in elementary school. I have long since gotten over it and was actually very good friends throughout high school with one of the girls involved.

OP, you have to step back. Guide your own kid but realize that this stuff happens and at some point, your own DD may be a mean girl to someone else. They are all learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't lol. I am not outwardly nasty to a kid but mom has a long memory. 🤷‍♀️

+1

[Anonymous]

I try to remind myself that I’m sure there have been times my kids haven’t behaved in a way I’d approve of and that they are experimenting with social structures and dealing with their own insecurities/trying to fit in. A lot of the times the behavior is an anomaly or something a kid outgrows.

However, as a mom of 3 there have been a handful of kids I’ve come across over the years who are just mean and somehow use their meanness toward others to elevate their own social status. Some of these kids have parents who are also a-holes but quite a few of them have very nice parents, so I’m not sure how or why some kids become this way. I tell my kids they can’t be proactively mean toward these kids, but they are allowed to roast them back and stick up for others. I expect my kids to be kind, but not doormats. And yes I internally hold a grudge (although as an adult I’d never be rude or mean to a child and if they somehow become nice in the future I’d mentally forgive them).

[Anonymous]

For normal kid slights and problems (mild competitiveness, occasional name calling, friendship issues, just typical stuff that most elementary kids engage in and go through at some point because it's human and they are learning to be people), no grudges.

Where I have held grudges is when a kid is engaging in a persistent behavior that is harming my kid, their parent is aware of the behavior, and the parent either encourages it or refuses to acknowledge it's a problem. I have limited tolerance of "oh that's just how kids are" when my kid is coming home in tears daily because another child is calling names or won't leave them alone. Not all behavior is innocuous and parents who refuse to guide their children are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

Nobody said kids don’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

I don’t necessarily hold a grudge but it does make me more observant and guarded about the kid going forward.

Our kids are older now but even as things ebbed and flowed, 90% of the girls who were manipulative in ES ended up being that same way all the way through high school. They got better about how they played it but when observing from a distance, their agenda was quite clear.

Manipulative is not the same as someone who was just a little rude when the kids were younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For normal kid slights and problems (mild competitiveness, occasional name calling, friendship issues, just typical stuff that most elementary kids engage in and go through at some point because it's human and they are learning to be people), no grudges.

Where I have held grudges is when a kid is engaging in a persistent behavior that is harming my kid, their parent is aware of the behavior, and the parent either encourages it or refuses to acknowledge it's a problem. I have limited tolerance of "oh that's just how kids are" when my kid is coming home in tears daily because another child is calling names or won't leave them alone. Not all behavior is innocuous and parents who refuse to guide their children are the problem.

+1. It’s really hard when one kid is bullying your kid to the point that they are crying and avoiding school activities because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay for you to dislike those kids that hurt your kid- the world won’t end.

You should also accept that those kids may change and will mature so these kids might circle back into your kids life again. I guess my advice is to not a hold a grudge!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to remind myself that I’m sure there have been times my kids haven’t behaved in a way I’d approve of and that they are experimenting with social structures and dealing with their own insecurities/trying to fit in. A lot of the times the behavior is an anomaly or something a kid outgrows.

However, as a mom of 3 there have been a handful of kids I’ve come across over the years who are just mean and somehow use their meanness toward others to elevate their own social status. Some of these kids have parents who are also a-holes but quite a few of them have very nice parents, so I’m not sure how or why some kids become this way. I tell my kids they can’t be proactively mean toward these kids, but they are allowed to roast them back and stick up for others. I expect my kids to be kind, but not doormats. And yes I internally hold a grudge (although as an adult I’d never be rude or mean to a child and if they somehow become nice in the future I’d mentally forgive them).

I know for a fact that my kid “roasted” his friend for being fat over a year ago. The boys are still friends but the mother has never spoken to me again.
And thats ok. I talked to my son. He knows why he shouldn’t have said what he said. If the mom is still mad that’s just her being a mom and I understand. I feel the same way sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I absorb the information. If I know a kid who isn't kind or nice to mine, I might not encourage a friendship. But that's about it. Both my kids don't want to be around the ones who aren't nice, so they've never had repeated issues. My oldest is in middle school now, and one of the girls who was pretty icy and rude to her in elementary is occasionally popping up in her social circle. I stick to asking my daughter if this girl is being nice, and now normally she says yes (this was not always the case). My kid has lots of secure social connections, so I am not concerned at all about this one "iffy" kid at this point.

So kids can grow and change. It's ok to note the mean behavior, but also remember these are children learning the world too.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If small issue when kids were lower elementary I used it as a teachable moment:
-not everyone is going be nice to you
- people can say unkind things, but the most important is how you react to it, you know it isn’t true and that’s the most important
-sometimes it’s a reminder that we should be kind to others, you know how bad this made you feel don’t make others feel the same way

When they were young there were a few teens/ young adults who self-harmed and I wanted to make sure they developed some toughness and learned to decrease the importance of mean comments/commentary. Obviously, there were times when it escalates and you need different interventions.

In MS and HS- they know better. There are some kids I would not give any assistance to b/c of the way they treated DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

Nobody said kids don’t change.

But they've said they continue to hold grudges. Why? Something a kid did when they were 8.... now they're 13, and basically a different person... people are saying they still hold a grudge because "mom has a long memory".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard not to hold it against them, even though I know kids are young and still figuring stuff out. I try to stay more objective but some part of me hold grudges against these kids. How do others handle it?

Seriously? You need to coach your kid how to defend him/her-self. You need to teach them the best come backs and how to fight back. What kind of a parent tries to distance themselves.

[Anonymous]

My DC is in high school and I still hold a grudge against a couple of pukes from preschool. I realize that’s makes me insane, but I don’t care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to remind myself that I’m sure there have been times my kids haven’t behaved in a way I’d approve of and that they are experimenting with social structures and dealing with their own insecurities/trying to fit in. A lot of the times the behavior is an anomaly or something a kid outgrows.

However, as a mom of 3 there have been a handful of kids I’ve come across over the years who are just mean and somehow use their meanness toward others to elevate their own social status. Some of these kids have parents who are also a-holes but quite a few of them have very nice parents, so I’m not sure how or why some kids become this way. I tell my kids they can’t be proactively mean toward these kids, but they are allowed to roast them back and stick up for others. I expect my kids to be kind, but not doormats. And yes I internally hold a grudge (although as an adult I’d never be rude or mean to a child and if they somehow become nice in the future I’d mentally forgive them).

I know for a fact that my kid “roasted” his friend for being fat over a year ago. The boys are still friends but the mother has never spoken to me again.
And thats ok. I talked to my son. He knows why he shouldn’t have said what he said. If the mom is still mad that’s just her being a mom and I understand. I feel the same way sometimes.

I am this mom. A boy my son thought was one of his best friends called him fat multiple times, several of which I heard happen. I purposely stopped interacting with the family and told my son to find other friends. They still talk at school i guess but I was so annoyed at how rude this kid was about appearance. And my son isnt fat but he is taller and stronger than this other kid who I guess was perhaps insecure at his scrawnyness and thought telling my son his butt was huge was the way to deal with it.

What he and his mom didn't see was that my son was very upset and self conscious. He cried. He wouldn't eat dessert. He was really sad about it and this boy was so clueless and careless. I dont blame his mom but i also just dont want to engage.