When other kids are unkind to your kid, how do you keep emotional distance from it?

[Anonymous]

It's hard not to hold it against them, even though I know kids are young and still figuring stuff out. I try to stay more objective but some part of me hold grudges against these kids. How do others handle it?

[Anonymous]

I'm from NY. Smacktalk is our national pastime. Sticks and stones, baby. Like water off a duck's back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from NY. Smacktalk is our national pastime. Sticks and stones, baby. Like water off a duck's back.

What if it's not just unkind words though. What about when it's that weird relational aggression?

Like my kid got caught in this stupid drama with two other girls this year, where the two girls were sworn enemies at the beginning of the year and then one of them befriended my kid and my kid was like "yay a friend!" and then the other one also befriended her and she was like "oh wow, two friends, though it's stressful they don't like each other." And then the two girls made up, decided my kid sucked, and told her they didn't want to be her friend anymore and now they just stand near her talking about her but refusing to talk *to* her.

It is extremely hard not to dislike those kids, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from NY. Smacktalk is our national pastime. Sticks and stones, baby. Like water off a duck's back.

What if it's not just unkind words though. What about when it's that weird relational aggression?

Like my kid got caught in this stupid drama with two other girls this year, where the two girls were sworn enemies at the beginning of the year and then one of them befriended my kid and my kid was like "yay a friend!" and then the other one also befriended her and she was like "oh wow, two friends, though it's stressful they don't like each other." And then the two girls made up, decided my kid sucked, and told her they didn't want to be her friend anymore and now they just stand near her talking about her but refusing to talk *to* her.

It is extremely hard not to dislike those kids, I'm sorry.

Look, some little kids are a-holes, or go through an a-hole period. And that period may be VERY long, like multiple years, or may just be a short time. Teach your kid to walk away if people are talking about her. Why would she stand there listening to them? She needs friends in multiple groups. I've always taught my kids to diversify their friend portfolio. If one group is unpleasant to be around, go hang out with a different group of friends.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay for you to dislike those kids that hurt your kid- the world won’t end.

[Anonymous]

I don't lol. I am not outwardly nasty to a kid but mom has a long memory. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

I mean, haven’t you ever been mean (intentionally or otherwise)? I try to give everyone grace- but especially kids, they are learning. Doesn’t mean my kid should be friends with someone who treats them poorly, but I don’t need to hold a grudge either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard not to hold it against them, even though I know kids are young and still figuring stuff out. I try to stay more objective but some part of me hold grudges against these kids. How do others handle it?

I tell my kid that everyone needs time to grow and change. That they also make mistakes. If someone is not being nice to find someone else to hang out with.


….. then I hold the grudge against that kid in my mind long after my kid forgets. If I see meaningful change then I change my mind. In some cases I see bully parents and draw the conclusion there is no hope for that child, then encourage my kid never to hang out with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, haven’t you ever been mean (intentionally or otherwise)? I try to give everyone grace- but especially kids, they are learning. Doesn’t mean my kid should be friends with someone who treats them poorly, but I don’t need to hold a grudge either

Of course everyone has been mean at some point or another, but some kids engage in kinds of meanness I would never do. Like the weird triangulation situation described above where two girls just used another to workout their own differences and then ganged up on her. I can honestly say I have never in my life engaged in behavior like that and wouldn't, nor would my kid, I don't even understand how that happens.

With stuff like that, though, I honestly wind up holding the grudge against the parents, not the kids. I assume the parents are either checked out and not really invested in their kids, leading them to Lord of the Flies their way through elementary, or they are modeling similar dynamics and think it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't lol. I am not outwardly nasty to a kid but mom has a long memory. 🤷‍♀️

This. Certain events reveal character. You can be perfectly patient and polite with someone of questionable character, but you don't need to have or encourage a relationship with that person.

[Anonymous]

I’m the same and I know it’s not rational. My son complains that one boy always makes fun of him when he raises his hand and I even witnessed it at a scout thing where he was telling an anecdote about somewhere we went. Some little jerk was scoffing and remarks to his minions “can you believe what a liar Sam is, he never went there. Negative aura” and they are all rolling their eyes.
I told the teacher that he was embarrassed to speak up in class because of “the cool boys” and she knew exactly who I was talking about and said she was having a hard time disciplining them because their mothers complain to the principal at every punishment she comes up with. Of course all high status mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, haven’t you ever been mean (intentionally or otherwise)? I try to give everyone grace- but especially kids, they are learning. Doesn’t mean my kid should be friends with someone who treats them poorly, but I don’t need to hold a grudge either

Of course, I have, and people remembered that and treated me accordingly. They made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really eye-opening to me- so many grudge holders. I just don't operate that way.

Maybe it's partly from being a teacher, and seeing how much kids change from year to year, but I think you all are being hugely unfair.

I would never encourage a friendship with someone who is being awful, but I also think kids change.

Not even a teacher but a parent of 3 very different kids and a frequent volunteer in elementary- kids change SO MUCH from year to year. One of my kids was a mess in second grade- argumentative, disregulated, not pleasant to be around- and now, in 5th, he is described by his teachers as universally well liked and funny and kind. And I witness it too! And some girls are total Bs in the early grades and then are the most inclusive ones later on. Interestingly, some of the girls who struggled more socially in the early grades become the most nasty by 5th- as if their parents taught them “well screw anyone who isn’t nice to you!” During those hard early years and now they have become an 11 year old who is very quick to say “screw you!!” to any perceived slight from a kid who doesn’t mean any harm. It’s interesting to see the changes.

Holding grudges against a 7 year old
Who is gonna be a totally different person as a 9 year old is silly

[Anonymous]

It is really hard, sometimes impossible not to hold grudges when someone hurts your kid. It's natural.

However, I suggest you do everything in your power NOT to let you kid see it. To this day I am hesitant to tell my own mother about disagreements with friends, my spouse, or even share anything remotely unflattering about anyone in my life. It means we're not as close as we could be now, which isn't a huge deal. But as a teenager it meant that I never confided in her about problems because I knew she'd hate the friend I was fighting with and never get over it. A la Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, her good favor once lost is lost forever.