Has anyone ever had successful marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

We went to counseling 15 years ago (we were mid-thirties at the time) and it really did help to describe our situation to a neutral third party. We ended up saying some things out loud that we assumed the other person knew but in fact they didn't. EAP paid for everything except a small co-pay. We're still together and things have been good.

[Anonymous]

Your husband might be going through the motions because he’s mentally checked out and is just biding his time. Don’t assume he doesn’t want to change, he might know what he’s doing. If that’s not the future you envision then it might be better to try to clear the air now instead of getting blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Counseling is, in general, useless unless the person wants to change and wants to know how to go about it. We went to couples counseling some time ago, and the first thing the therapist wanted to know is who her client was (of the two of us) and went on to take that person’s side while bashing the other. This, of course, makes the “client” happy and the therapist’s money flowing.

Realize that people are who they are; unless abusive, either accept it or move on. Changing the other person is an exercise in futility and only ends up making one or both resentful.

That doesn't sound ... competent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

It sounds like you are in the midst of the grind and he is checked out. How long has he been checked out?

That's the opposite of what OP said though. She said he is satisfied with the marriage. She is the one who wants to bail. She eben implied she wanted to do that in a few years when kids were out of the house.

If her DH is as checked out as she describes, then he may not even realize how checked out he is.

My DH did not want to change anything. If you asked him he would have said he loves me and we are happily married. But he was always criticizing me, always angry at me, and did not want any intimacy or connection with me. He was saying one thing and acting like he hated me. It was awful. Therapy forced him to express his frustrations out loud.

[Anonymous]

I feel like in this situation. Individual counseling will do best to figure out why you’re trying to screw up a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I think you are equating knowing when soccer pickup is with loving and respecting you, and they have zero connection. It’s annoying he doesn’t know but it’s not likely a personal thing. I think you should pursue counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are equating knowing when soccer pickup is with loving and respecting you, and they have zero connection. It’s annoying he doesn’t know but it’s not likely a personal thing. I think you should pursue counseling.

It’s the mental load. Why is it always the wife’s job and why are people always trying to pretend it doesn’t matter or men don’t need to worry about it?

[Anonymous]

You can't drop the ball for 20 years and suddenly complain about the game.However, do find a good therapist and work on your partnership. There is also an alternative, let kids go to college and then focus on your marriage without the stressors of routine and parenting. You are bound to achieve better results in less time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are equating knowing when soccer pickup is with loving and respecting you, and they have zero connection. It’s annoying he doesn’t know but it’s not likely a personal thing. I think you should pursue counseling.

It’s the mental load. Why is it always the wife’s job and why are people always trying to pretend it doesn’t matter or men don’t need to worry about it?

This^. Couples need to do pre-marital counseling and have yearly meetings with the same counselor so there is reinforcement and amendments according to big changes like pregnancy, toddler, new home, new job, teen, intimacy slump, perimenopause, midlife crisis etc etc. Marriage is tough and requires constant consious effort.

[Anonymous]

Every meeting discuss if both feel good about division of mental, physical and financial loads and how to handle it all in a more efficient and empathetic manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If both spouses are committed to the marriage despite disagreements, there are decent odds. If not, it's unlikely to help.

OP is not committed to the marriage since she doesn't even give a single reason why it's the marriages fault that she unhappy. She is exactly the type of person who will misuse marital counseling as leverage to justify her own unhappiness
It will not work of the object is to better the marriage. It will work if it serves as her vehicle to scapegoat her husband for the failure of the marriage

👀

[Anonymous]

Many people who initiate marriage counseling, want to proof that all fault lies with their partner. Only do it if you want to improve yourself as well and can own your shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every meeting discuss if both feel good about division of mental, physical and financial loads and how to handle it all in a more efficient and empathetic manner.

Well, the problem here is that pretty much all women (and it's always women, isn't it) who complain about their "mental load" never seem to bother to take the time to actually monitor and write down what the distribution of value to the family or the couple from each person's efforts actually is.

That's because "mental load" is a completely subjective term that isn't quantifiable. How you feel emotionally isn't an objective measurement of your actual contributions to the family. Blurting out a random list of rather mundane tasks that a better organized person could handle with minimal friction and without breaking a sweat doesn't mean you are actually contributing as much as you think.

That's why this phony term had to be created.

It's also largely reflective of the woman's own preferences and obsessions which may not be objectively important at all.

No, you don't need to obsess endlessly over what color cupcakes to buy for your five year olds birthday party to make sure they put you in the best light for your Instagram post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every meeting discuss if both feel good about division of mental, physical and financial loads and how to handle it all in a more efficient and empathetic manner.

Most people who complain endlessly about these subjects seem to have plenty of free time for complaining. If they don't more of that time doing rather than complaining then they would have nothing to complaint about

[Anonymous]

Spent more of that time doing rather than complaining