Has anyone ever had successful marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

This is SO easy to solve. Make your own plans, invite him. "Husband, I want to go to London the first week in October. Would you like to come with me? I've ask and if you want to come, my parents can take care of the kids. If you prefer to stay home with the kids Susie Q said she'd go with me." Then DO IT. Either you start going on trips with friends and have a great time without your husband, or eventually he'll join in. This goes for anything. You can include the kids. This can go for classes, exercise, whatever. Offer the option to join you, then DO IT ANYWAY without him. He will eventually join in. Or not, and in that case you always have somebody to care for the dog.

I tried that. Invited to a hike to a national park... during which he took off as he wanted to go to a restricted area (guarded off) and I refused. I ended up hiking alone. In a bear country. Of course it was not completely unexpected, as he had left me with little kids on trails on numerous occasions earlier in our marriage, when a 3-4-5 yo couldn't keep up with his pace. Just like OP husband, he hasn't planned a single meal, holiday, vacation, sports event, even his own family visits or anything one can think of. It's as if he's just waiting on the sidelines for life to happen.

I completely get you, OP. I don't think counseling will help as in the end, he doesn't want to change. He's happy he doesn't have to do anything and doesn't even have to think of anything. He's happy in his "marriage" with a wonderful wife and wonderful kids, who managed to grow up all by themselves in his opinion. This one poster here who thinks that in addition to our mental load, we should be WRITING LISTS of the mental load gives you an idea of how these men think.

DP

You planned a hike with children in bear country knowing your husband would likely leave you behind, because he did before?

You both sound unfit for children and marriage.

These 2 are separate: leaving me alone and leaving me with kids alone on separate occasions. These were not the same trails. I obviously didn't plan on him leaving me/kids behind. That trip was the last one I took with him. Yes, I've raised the kids on my own (they're now young adults) as he turned out to be unreliable. Meaning, it's not SO EASY to invite a man along and hope that this will make him get involved or perhaps reciprocate.

The first time he abandoned you on the bear trail was on him; the second time he abandoned you on the bear trail was on you.

Try to keep track. The bear trail was once, when I was with him alone. That happened when kids were already launched. When kids were little, we didn't go on bear trails. That hike on bear trail was the last one I ever went with him.

I stand corrected: you were left alone on the bear trail once, hiking with the guy who has a well-established history of leaving you alone on hikes. Every other occasion you brought the children to be left alone on hiking trails, you did not encounter any bears.

Not sure what your point is here. You've never been to a national park and it has shocked you that other people go? You do realize that people do way more dangerous activities than hiking in a national park? Often with kids? Hiking is a lot of fun if you do it with reliable companions, just like many other activities in life. Bear trail or not, that was not the point, nor a reason to get your panties all in a bunch. I have gone on solo hikes, hiked with my kids, hiked with different companions. Not all trails are within a bear habitat and you know beforehand where a bear habitat is. My kids, when older, have been on bear trails and it's not a problem at all. All national parks have wild animals. The whole point of going on a hike in a national park is to encounter different wild animals. However, when I go to bear country, I go with a companion. There are plenty of people who go to a bear country alone. I carry a bear spray. I've seen many bears. The scariest encounter I've actually ever had was with a cougar on a trail not far from our house where I often went by myself, not in a national park.

[Anonymous]

Our therapist told us to get divorced. She was so helpful, and I'm grateful to her

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you are equating knowing when soccer pickup is with loving and respecting you, and they have zero connection. It’s annoying he doesn’t know but it’s not likely a personal thing. I think you should pursue counseling.

It’s the mental load. Why is it always the wife’s job and why are people always trying to pretend it doesn’t matter or men don’t need to worry about it?

Because none of this is the wife’s job. In my house, my dad did all of this, while my mom earned the money. Even if she hadn’t been the breadwinner though, she wouldn’t have done any of it because she was never interested in raising kids. She just wanted to have them.

The point is, if you don’t want to do everything, don’t. Ask your husband to do it. If he won’t do it, either accept that it won’t be done, or divorce and look for a man who is interested in getting these things done. They are out there.

I agree that the person who doesn't do mental load is the one who's actually not interested in raising kids, just in having them. So what do you do when neither parent wants to carry the mental load? The kids are already there.

Great question.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think keeping track of the kids’ activity schedules and when they need to be picked up is non-essential. The vacations might be, but the kids’ schedules are not.

Why are you doing this in the first place? We have a shared calendar— all activities go on that calendar, and we discuss who is responsible for what at the start of each season/camp/activity. What is there to keep track of?

Who puts them on the calendar? Who keeps track of when soccer practice is switched from Wednesday to Monday? Who modifies it when cheer is moved to 5:30-7:30 for one day instead of 5-7? Which days kid is “called” for play rehearsal and which days not? It is a never-ending stream of complex scheduling.

My DH does just as much if not more of it than I do, but it’s a lot to keep track of. And we do not always have the same driving/pickup schedule week to week because of work travel/obligations that don’t fall consistently on the same day of the week. It would really suck if he didn’t consider it any of his business to be involved in making our kids’ schedules work and getting them where they need to be when they need to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think keeping track of the kids’ activity schedules and when they need to be picked up is non-essential. The vacations might be, but the kids’ schedules are not.

Why are you doing this in the first place? We have a shared calendar— all activities go on that calendar, and we discuss who is responsible for what at the start of each season/camp/activity. What is there to keep track of?

Who puts them on the calendar? Who keeps track of when soccer practice is switched from Wednesday to Monday? Who modifies it when cheer is moved to 5:30-7:30 for one day instead of 5-7? Which days kid is “called” for play rehearsal and which days not? It is a never-ending stream of complex scheduling.

My DH does just as much if not more of it than I do, but it’s a lot to keep track of. And we do not always have the same driving/pickup schedule week to week because of work travel/obligations that don’t fall consistently on the same day of the week. It would really suck if he didn’t consider it any of his business to be involved in making our kids’ schedules work and getting them where they need to be when they need to be there.

Exactly this. And counseling will not make someone consider any of this their business. It's not like he doesn't know what is going on.

[Anonymous]

The magic Fairy manages the emails, calendar and logistics. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist told us to get divorced. She was so helpful, and I'm grateful to her

Our therapists (2 different ones) 6 years apart- both thought we were the greatest couple. wtf. We “graduated” early from each. Spouse had an affair.