Has anyone ever had successful marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both spouses are committed to the marriage despite disagreements, there are decent odds. If not, it's unlikely to help.

OP is not committed to the marriage since she doesn't even give a single reason why it's the marriages fault that she unhappy. She is exactly the type of person who will misuse marital counseling as leverage to justify her own unhappiness
It will not work of the object is to better the marriage. It will work if it serves as her vehicle to scapegoat her husband for the failure of the marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

You are being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know that do all the things you want him to do? Take a look around. There are a few but in the vast majority of marriages women make all the plans and handle all the logistics of the kids. That's my impression anyway. I don't think marriage counseling is suddenly going to make a man permanently start doing all that stuff.

Well I’d like him to care more about me than just someone to sleep with and someone to choose what dinner he’s doing to have each night.

Call me crazy.

Is the “boring and lonely” stuff the more important stuff, because you kind of buried that in your list of other complaints which are more about division of household responsibilities. Those are very different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

You are going to have a hard time of it. You can want someone to take on the work of making the plans. But you can't really "want him to want to make ... those plans." He wants what he wants. So to the extent that you are wanting him to want something, you are being ridiculous.

But setting out parameters like "twice per week you are responsible for dinner," and you are always responsible for this particular team's communications ... stuff like that. That's doable with therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know that do all the things you want him to do? Take a look around. There are a few but in the vast majority of marriages women make all the plans and handle all the logistics of the kids. That's my impression anyway. I don't think marriage counseling is suddenly going to make a man permanently start doing all that stuff.

Well I’d like him to care more about me than just someone to sleep with and someone to choose what dinner he’s doing to have each night.

Call me crazy.

You are wanting him to care about something he doesn't care about. That isn't something that is within your power, unfortunately. You can motivate behaviors, sure. But you can't cause someone else to care about something.

You aren't crazy for wanting what you are wanting. But you are crazy to think you are somehow going to get it, With this man anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know that do all the things you want him to do? Take a look around. There are a few but in the vast majority of marriages women make all the plans and handle all the logistics of the kids. That's my impression anyway. I don't think marriage counseling is suddenly going to make a man permanently start doing all that stuff.

Well I’d like him to care more about me than just someone to sleep with and someone to choose what dinner he’s doing to have each night.

Call me crazy.

Nah, you're just spoiled and have unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know that do all the things you want him to do? Take a look around. There are a few but in the vast majority of marriages women make all the plans and handle all the logistics of the kids. That's my impression anyway. I don't think marriage counseling is suddenly going to make a man permanently start doing all that stuff.

Well I’d like him to care more about me than just someone to sleep with and someone to choose what dinner he’s doing to have each night.

Call me crazy.

You are wanting him to care about something he doesn't care about. That isn't something that is within your power, unfortunately. You can motivate behaviors, sure. But you can't cause someone else to care about something.

You aren't crazy for wanting what you are wanting. But you are crazy to think you are somehow going to get it, With this man anyway.

OP is projecting. She is the one who doesn't care about her husband and takes him for granted. She is not a mind reader and is projecting her emotional state of ennui and marital indifference onto him.

She is someone who will never be satisfied no matter what he does. She is not grateful for what she has. Her husband tolerates her childish attitude without complaint. Most men wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

I’d wonder whether he’s planning to leave once your kids are out of the house.

[Anonymous]

It worked in the sense that I saw my husband with clear eyes. I was shocked with how blind I had been. He did not want to change. He was very focused on being the good guy with the therapist. She asked at one point “Do you realize how much you’re hurting your wife?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

I’d wonder whether he’s planning to leave once your kids are out of the house.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

It sounds like you are in the midst of the grind and he is checked out. How long has he been checked out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It worked in the sense that I saw my husband with clear eyes. I was shocked with how blind I had been. He did not want to change. He was very focused on being the good guy with the therapist. She asked at one point “Do you realize how much you’re hurting your wife?”

How was he huritng his wife? I guess that's you pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous.

It sounds like you are in the midst of the grind and he is checked out. How long has he been checked out?

That's the opposite of what OP said though. She said he is satisfied with the marriage. She is the one who wants to bail. She eben implied she wanted to do that in a few years when kids were out of the house.

[Anonymous]

In my experience we spent the week extremely tense and polite and then fighting in front of someone for $250 an hour once a week, nothing got better. Only got better once I clearly stated that I was no longer going to carry the relationship and it’s repair.

[Anonymous]

Counseling is, in general, useless unless the person wants to change and wants to know how to go about it. We went to couples counseling some time ago, and the first thing the therapist wanted to know is who her client was (of the two of us) and went on to take that person’s side while bashing the other. This, of course, makes the “client” happy and the therapist’s money flowing.

Realize that people are who they are; unless abusive, either accept it or move on. Changing the other person is an exercise in futility and only ends up making one or both resentful.