What obligation, if any, do we have to older family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

I work in healthcare, and it’s not so unusual for an elderly childless adult to have a niece or nephew as their emergency contact or even their POA.

My brother in law is POA for DH’s aunt and took over her finances and made healthcare decisions for her when she was sick and delirious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like being petty. If you can reasonably help them without it majorly inconveniencing you then do so.

The whole problem of eldercare is that it's majorly inconveniencing! If it wasn't, everybody would be doing it like going for a coffee! Especially if you live far away and are not integrated into one another's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

I work in healthcare, and it’s not so unusual for an elderly childless adult to have a niece or nephew as their emergency contact or even their POA.

My brother in law is POA for DH’s aunt and took over her finances and made healthcare decisions for her when she was sick and delirious.

As the OP says, they're the only offspring on both sides, whereas an aunt and uncles didn't have children. The OP doesn't say how many there are, but at the minimum 3 (1 aunt and 2 uncles plural). Plus their own parents. Not realistic.

[Anonymous]

I think only a saint would not consider how much they owed them when deciding how much to help. We may not live in a purely transactional world, but we certainly live in a partly or even largely transactional one.

I think you need to be realistic. That means that you aren’t sacrificing your vacations to fly over and fix things in their house. But it does mean that you can help them make decisions and put in frameworks to try to ensure that they are taken care of.

[Anonymous]

The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

So if everybody is self-sufficient, then nobody would need help, no? I personally am done after raising kids and about to launch them, I've spent so much time on caretaking that literally nobody cares what my interests are or what I want, everybody just has a hand out since I'm the "capable" one. The burnout is real. At some point I want to live for myself, not take care of everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this now. Mother is 79 and starting to lose it. But refuses any kind of senior care facility. Sibling is gone to Colorado and sends a periodic Thanks for taking care of Mom kind of message.

Feel stuck with this. Abandoning your mother isn't on anyone's list of things to do.

But I'm confined to the DC area while I deal with this. Not thrilled about the circumstances. And I hate my sister more and more for being so useless with this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

So if everybody is self-sufficient, then nobody would need help, no? I personally am done after raising kids and about to launch them, I've spent so much time on caretaking that literally nobody cares what my interests are or what I want, everybody just has a hand out since I'm the "capable" one. The burnout is real. At some point I want to live for myself, not take care of everyone else.

Exactly. That is the reason that family interference is very high from the get go and younger generation is not allowed to fail at all.

For example - lets assume that I have a complete waste of space sibling, then, it is in my interest to ensure that my nephew/niece succeed, so that they can take care of their parent in their old age, instead of me.

So, there is a mentality among the older generation to collectively nurture and guide everyone's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. Mother is 79 and starting to lose it. But refuses any kind of senior care facility. Sibling is gone to Colorado and sends a periodic Thanks for taking care of Mom kind of message.

Feel stuck with this. Abandoning your mother isn't on anyone's list of things to do.

But I'm confined to the DC area while I deal with this. Not thrilled about the circumstances. And I hate my sister more and more for being so useless with this problem.

My mother lives with my elder brother. He recently became a widower. Thankfully, both my brother and my mom are fairly well-to-do so they have all kind of help.

Since I and my other siblings do not help with the day-to-day care of my mom, we go for several weeks to my elder brother's home to get his affairs sorted - selling property, decluttering, home remodelling, babysitting mom so he can go on vacations, helping his adult kids, putting systems in place at home, representing the family in social occasions, attending the births, marriages and funerals of the families of our uncles and aunts...etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. Mother is 79 and starting to lose it. But refuses any kind of senior care facility. Sibling is gone to Colorado and sends a periodic Thanks for taking care of Mom kind of message.

Feel stuck with this. Abandoning your mother isn't on anyone's list of things to do.

But I'm confined to the DC area while I deal with this. Not thrilled about the circumstances. And I hate my sister more and more for being so useless with this problem.

My mother lives with my elder brother. He recently became a widower. Thankfully, both my brother and my mom are fairly well-to-do so they have all kind of help.

Since I and my other siblings do not help with the day-to-day care of my mom, we go for several weeks to my elder brother's home to get his affairs sorted - selling property, decluttering, home remodelling, babysitting mom so he can go on vacations, helping his adult kids, putting systems in place at home, representing the family in social occasions, attending the births, marriages and funerals of the families of our uncles and aunts...etc.

Sounds like a functional family and I mean this sincerely! Unfortunately for the rest of us, there are more those ones who need help than the ones who can provide that help. Just like the OP who is the only offspring and there's a whole list of elderly relatives who have nobody to help. So one person to help 5 (an aunt, 2 uncles, plus parents) is clearly not doable!!! My own mom passed recently. I live on another continent. I have to go and arrange the affairs and take on the cleanup. It's difficult and thankless and I wish it wasn't all on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

I work in healthcare, and it’s not so unusual for an elderly childless adult to have a niece or nephew as their emergency contact or even their POA.

My brother in law is POA for DH’s aunt and took over her finances and made healthcare decisions for her when she was sick and delirious.

As the OP says, they're the only offspring on both sides, whereas an aunt and uncles didn't have children. The OP doesn't say how many there are, but at the minimum 3 (1 aunt and 2 uncles plural). Plus their own parents. Not realistic.

I have a friend who was in OP's situation. It was rough for many years but, on the bright side, she received all the inheritance. This included two paid-off homes and investment portfolios. It has allowed her to retire early and pay for some major health care expenses for her nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Mom & Dad ... Op, you should be focused on them. Travel to them. If traveling to you is a hardship. If they have more money than you, ask if they will pay for you to travel to them. They would rather you visit. Go solo. Go solo more often to increase the visits. Same for your DH traveling to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

So if everybody is self-sufficient, then nobody would need help, no? I personally am done after raising kids and about to launch them, I've spent so much time on caretaking that literally nobody cares what my interests are or what I want, everybody just has a hand out since I'm the "capable" one. The burnout is real. At some point I want to live for myself, not take care of everyone else.

Exactly. That is the reason that family interference is very high from the get go and younger generation is not allowed to fail at all.

For example - lets assume that I have a complete waste of space sibling, then, it is in my interest to ensure that my nephew/niece succeed, so that they can take care of their parent in their old age, instead of me.

So, there is a mentality among the older generation to collectively nurture and guide everyone's kids.

What version of self sufficiency has the younger generation giving so much help to the older. When does self sufficiency come in to play at all? It sounds deeply and dysfunctionally codependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

Our family is like this too. No being taken advantage of or being a doormat, everyone helps and cares for and looks out for each other - it takes a village applies to the entire village, not just the little ones. I find it very different from the current "I look out for me and mine" mindset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

Just help her for 3 months