What obligation, if any, do we have to older family members?

[Anonymous]

People are good hearted and do what they can. Most don't need to thump their chest and brag about their goodness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are good hearted and do what they can. Most don't need to thump their chest and brag about their goodness

OP had 2 young children plus an ill infant and no one out of 7 people, minimum of 5 households, was willing to help her 24 years ago. Any retired or not working at the time? Obviously yes from the original post. For all we know, none have cleaned out a house and downsized. Some could be POA's and executors for each other - like OP parents for a childless sibling in a house loaded with decades of stuff. Layers of stuff and documents ...trashbags of shredding. And they might not be local to each other or they don't want the local one to be a POA.

[Anonymous]

I think it's very common for the most responsible and helpful family members to receive the least help. People assume you are self-sufficient, can do it fine on your own, and you did. Could you have used the help? 100%.

I think some people are just truly clueless despite their own circumstances: my in-laws had every sort of family help you can think of, yet never thought to help us at all in any way and were like your relatives, just having fun and sort of oblivious. My mil even brought it up as a compliment to me the other day: oh, you really did it all on your own! I wanted to say yeah, because I didn't have anyone offering any help!

That being said, it sounds like you are currently doing a lot (visit, keep in touch when not visiting). What specifically do you think they need? When my dh's grandparents were not able to drive anymore, we'd order their groceries for them every week. That was so easy for us to do, yet a huge help to them as they couldn't do it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very common for the most responsible and helpful family members to receive the least help. People assume you are self-sufficient, can do it fine on your own, and you did. Could you have used the help? 100%.

I think some people are just truly clueless despite their own circumstances: my in-laws had every sort of family help you can think of, yet never thought to help us at all in any way and were like your relatives, just having fun and sort of oblivious. My mil even brought it up as a compliment to me the other day: oh, you really did it all on your own! I wanted to say yeah, because I didn't have anyone offering any help!

That being said, it sounds like you are currently doing a lot (visit, keep in touch when not visiting). What specifically do you think they need? When my dh's grandparents were not able to drive anymore, we'd order their groceries for them every week. That was so easy for us to do, yet a huge help to them as they couldn't do it themselves.

The divide between takers and givers is very common in families. The takers enjoy it, rationalize it, expect it and get offended if no one is giving to them. The givers feel obligation and guilt, keep giving and swallow their resentment. It’s a toxic dynamic.

To the OP and other givers, why do you feel any obligation when they certainly didn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

No, not all of us live in your transactional world. Some of us give what we can and take when we need. When I can give help to others, I do, because it's the right thing to do, esp with family.

Wanted to add that these family members could have helped, but chose not to. So they chose NOT to do the "right thing" in your world, and instead chose to travel and enjoy their lives. They only want to take when they need.

You're not over them not helping you. Work on that or and

Just don't assist .

[Anonymous]

Nobody owes anyone anything. If you want to do something for your relatives, great. If you don't, that's all good too. Seriously, help can be hired and some prefer hiring help rather than spoiling their relationships and making family resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom & Dad ... Op, you should be focused on them. Travel to them. If traveling to you is a hardship. If they have more money than you, ask if they will pay for you to travel to them. They would rather you visit. Go solo. Go solo more often to increase the visits. Same for your DH traveling to his parents.

This, this, this

[Anonymous]

Depends on the relationship.