What obligation, if any, do we have to older family members?

[Anonymous]

Whatever you can do without resentment (now) and without regret (later).

Are they saying for help or do you just feel they need it?

[Anonymous]

I think we have a lot of single aunties and uncles on here. You don't owe them anything. Yes, it matters that they didn't help you. You do what you can handle if that is just phone calls and the occasional visit, then there you go.

[Anonymous]

You need to let go of their not helping raise your kids when your one kid was sick. You moved far from family and then chose to have three kids. It's your responsibility to raise your own kids. Even when they get sick, even when it's hard.

Let go of that. Presumably years have passed and you've developed a relationship with these elderly relatives over the that time period. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

No, not all of us live in your transactional world. Some of us give what we can and take when we need. When I can give help to others, I do, because it's the right thing to do, esp with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

No, not all of us live in your transactional world. Some of us give what we can and take when we need. When I can give help to others, I do, because it's the right thing to do, esp with family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let go of their not helping raise your kids when your one kid was sick. You moved far from family and then chose to have three kids. It's your responsibility to raise your own kids. Even when they get sick, even when it's hard.

Let go of that. Presumably years have passed and you've developed a relationship with these elderly relatives over the that time period. Go from there.

Right, but it's also the elderly relatives responsibility to have their own plans in place, as they chose to either not have kids or move closer to their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

YOU sound like the narcissist. She stepped up for you, now it's an inconvience for you to help her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

YOU sound like the narcissist. She stepped up for you, now it's an inconvience for you to help her?

So should "help" be transactional or not? It seems like some of you want to have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

YOU sound like the narcissist. She stepped up for you, now it's an inconvience for you to help her?

Ooooh a narcissism diagnosis from two sentences- even for DCUM that may be a record!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

No, not all of us live in your transactional world. Some of us give what we can and take when we need. When I can give help to others, I do, because it's the right thing to do, esp with family.

So why didn't the family help when they needed it with a sick infant? I can see how it's very convenient that if you need help, it shouldn't be "transactional". Somehow always those who never help want to remind others not to be "transactional". It's not about being transactional. We all have limited time and money and if I spent it when I needed help, there's nothing left over for you. Like for example if I had to quit work to take care of my sick kid. Then that means I'm not able to retire early or travel often to look after your elderly needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

No, not all of us live in your transactional world. Some of us give what we can and take when we need. When I can give help to others, I do, because it's the right thing to do, esp with family.

Wanted to add that these family members could have helped, but chose not to. So they chose NOT to do the "right thing" in your world, and instead chose to travel and enjoy their lives. They only want to take when they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

YOU sound like the narcissist. She stepped up for you, now it's an inconvience for you to help her?

So you help her for 3 months!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that they were not there for you at a difficult time, but please do not be bitter. It’s not a tit for tat or quid pro quid world.

If you can find it in your heart to help frail elderly relatives, you will ease their burden and you will never regret it.

Since you are so far away, might you look into hiring housekeepers, someone to drive them to appointments and grocery store, and whatever else can be outsourced?

Good luck.

This. In the same situation. I would try to do what I can but outsource wherever possible. Don't rope your kids into it; if they're in high school or college, they shouldn't be expected to participate unless they are very close to a particular relative and want to help when they can. We have relatives who don't go out of their way for our kids but no way would I tell my kids they need to drive 3 hours each way, let's say, to take care of elderly relatives when those same relatives couldn't find time visit the kids and cultivate relationships with them when they were little.

[Anonymous]

The debate over whether current help should be conditioned on previous help is moot in a long-distance relationship.

There is very little you can do, unless the elderly person is willing to give you power of attorney, or access to bank accounts to help pay for bills and organize aides, or access to medical portals to help make appointments and follow-ups. You need to be very close for that to happen, and that's not usually the case in a aunt or uncle situation. My own parents have not given me such access, even though I'm willing to do it, and I believe that I have a filial duty of care that is independent from any help they have given me.

So... you're sort of asking the wrong question here, OP. Or maybe you didn't word it well enough. Maybe your relatives just want to be wired money? Don't do that, at their age they're vulnerable to every scam in the book. Paying actual bills is the way to go if you are ready to help them financially. Maybe they need help navigating their taxes, or hiring household help? Do what you can.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like being petty. If you can reasonably help them without it majorly inconveniencing you then do so.