What obligation, if any, do we have to older family members?

[Anonymous]

My and my husband's family all live plane rides away so distance is always a factor. That said, I feel like we do a very good job of visiting and staying in regular contact with our elderly parents, aunt and uncles. We are the only offspring on both sides as aunt and uncles did not have children. As the years have passed, these older relatives have of course aged and their needs have increased. We still visit multiple times a year and stay in contact weekly (some multiple times a week) but it is obvious that they all can use more than that now due to aging issues.

The thing is, when these relatives were all the age that my husband and I are now, they were living their best lives with travel, socializing and activities. 24+ years ago it was my husband and I who needed help due to an extremely medically fragile infant who is now thankfully healthy. For those 3+ years, all of these relatives were in touch via phone and email but none ever offered to come help at that time and we really could have used it as we had 2 other very young children. We asked for help back then. The overall message we received back was that their schedules were full.

My question is more of the "what do we owe them" now variety now that their needs are increasing? I know for a fact that they were not interested in helping us at the time in our lives when we needed it and that they were then living their lives fully. But now many years later I do feel some guilt that we are not helping them more. My real question to you: what is the obligation to help family members who did nothing to help you?

[Anonymous]

I understand that they were not there for you at a difficult time, but please do not be bitter. It’s not a tit for tat or quid pro quid world.

If you can find it in your heart to help frail elderly relatives, you will ease their burden and you will never regret it.

Since you are so far away, might you look into hiring housekeepers, someone to drive them to appointments and grocery store, and whatever else can be outsourced?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Are they even asking for help?

[Anonymous]

It has nothing to do with what they did, and everything to do with what you can reasonably help with. Personally I struggle to help my own parents and ILs in addition to my spouse and kid, and definitely can't help aunts and uncles. That would be true even if they'd been helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

Look up filial responsibility in your state and theirs. There may be a legal requirement for you to care for them.

[Anonymous]

My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you’re obligated to sacrifice your own needs or well-being to help your older family members, but you also don’t have to “match” the level of support they once gave you. Given your history, it’s reasonable that you wouldn’t need to uproot your lives or become their primary caregivers. I think the goal should be to do what you are genuinely comfortable with and can feel good about. Ideally, your support comes from generosity and love. It sounds like you have some possible feelings of guilt, pressure, or resentment regarding what you think you "should" be doing, and that level may be too much, so find the level that you are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

[Anonymous]

Our parents live in Europe, and we can't fly there at the drop of a hat. We do not feel responsible for aunts and uncles, even the childless ones, although I did help with funeral services, because that could be done online and by phone. Our oldest was born with special needs and it derailed my career, because we had no one to turn to for help. I was forced to quit and stay home and never got back into the workforce.

You're a plane ride away. There is practically nothing you can do, realistically, except for your parents, manage their finances from afar, make medical appointments from afar, check in on home aides from afar, and do all the things the internet can allow you to do.

Dropping by, helping around the house, grocery shopping and cooking, taking them to doctor's visits... that's not for you. They need to hire help.

[Anonymous]

It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look up filial responsibility in your state and theirs. There may be a legal requirement for you to care for them.

There's always an idiot who posts this. The reality is that while a few states have something on the books, it's usually in a situation when there's a reasonable expectation of care, such as when an able-bodied younger relative lives in an older relative's home. OP who lives a plane ride away was never in that category and doesn't need to fear a lawsuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not a zero sum game, where they did X so now you do X and they did not do Y so now you do not have to do Y.

You do what you are able (mentally, emotionally, financially). And, you can suggest that they move to AL or Independent Living or Memory Care near you if it would be easier for you and if you would be able to help more if they were closer.

I would put 2 items of caution out there, 1, don't over-do it yourselve, really only do what you can and 2, please remember that your children are watching how you care for those who are elderly and more infirm, and that one day, the elderly and more infirm person will be you

Sorry, but we always do more for people who do for us and have been there for us when we needed help. It's how basic human interaction works. You scratch each other's backs so to say. Otherwise some would only take and some would only give and for givers, the time and money runs out at some point, because they're not infinite.

[Anonymous]

We are in a similar position. I woul say that you have a responsibility to help with the paperwork side of things, possibly end of life care, and possibly funeral arrangements. We have a POA, copy of a living will, a copy of the will, paperwork for burial plots (if they have them), attorney name, pastor name and number, and basic financial information for our older relatives.
We also occasionally call in on medical appointments if they ask us to.

I don’t think you have any obligation to fly out an clean their house or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My and my husband's family all live plane rides away so distance is always a factor. That said, I feel like we do a very good job of visiting and staying in regular contact with our elderly parents, aunt and uncles. We are the only offspring on both sides as aunt and uncles did not have children. As the years have passed, these older relatives have of course aged and their needs have increased. We still visit multiple times a year and stay in contact weekly (some multiple times a week) but it is obvious that they all can use more than that now due to aging issues.

The thing is, when these relatives were all the age that my husband and I are now, they were living their best lives with travel, socializing and activities. 24+ years ago it was my husband and I who needed help due to an extremely medically fragile infant who is now thankfully healthy. For those 3+ years, all of these relatives were in touch via phone and email but none ever offered to come help at that time and we really could have used it as we had 2 other very young children. We asked for help back then. The overall message we received back was that their schedules were full.

My question is more of the "what do we owe them" now variety now that their needs are increasing? I know for a fact that they were not interested in helping us at the time in our lives when we needed it and that they were then living their lives fully. But now many years later I do feel some guilt that we are not helping them more. My real question to you: what is the obligation to help family members who did nothing to help you?

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and let go of whatever bitterness you hold that they didn't help you. You are currently drinking poison.
Consider what you CAN reasonably do from a distance and have an honest conversation with each of them about what you can and cannot do. Note that I said reasonably. This means you factor in your own needs and your immediate family's needs.
Do what you can do without resentment, but don't make it about revenge. They are vulnerable people and your obligation is to do what you reasonably can. Do that and feel no guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

This