Question for adoption moms whose children sought out their birth mom
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
That’s the ideal. Reality is very different |
Anonymous
| I sought mine out for health reasons, not really because I wanted to know about my backstory or know about them. I was going through a couple years of trying to find a diagnosis and was hoping birth family may have answers. My mom acted like she was supportive but she made the whole experience miserable for me. She had this near constant need for validation and kept asking questions to make sure she was "better" than my birth mom. It made an already stressful situation more stressful. |
Anonymous
I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift. What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving. |
Anonymous
I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help. My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond. So.... -birth mom doesn't know the father -birth mom can't afford a kid -birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up) -birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash. |
Anonymous
Is this child lesser than other kids in the family as you keep referring to her as the adoptive daughter vs. daughter. |
Anonymous
Oh please. This is a thread about children who have been adopted. The PP is just trying to be clear about birth mom vs. adoptive mom, etc. Though I will say I find the language policing a little discordant. Would you tell an adoptee that they are treating their adoptive mother as "lesser" when they distinguish between their adoptive mother and their birth mother, and insist that they should always refer to her simply as their mother no matter the context of the conversation. |
Anonymous
So, you call your child adopted child? Not good. That’s why yours may have trauma. |
Anonymous
PP. I am a friend. I am writing for clarity in this forum. My friend has only two children, both adopted from the U.S. as babies during the 2010s. They are called son and daughter. One from a closed adoption and one from an open adoption. The extended family is a warm one. There is no discrimination. |
Anonymous
So, you use others as a talking point with no real experience. No one needs your third hand knowledge. |
Anonymous
You are right. These third hand knowledge stories are nothing but hurtful gossip. Sometimes the adoption agency closes the adoption. They do this by telling the family that the birth mom doesn’t want contact while at the same time telling the birth mom that the adoptive parents are not open to more contact. |
Anonymous
Well, your are inserting your perception of a what a mother should be, and that is the problem. The birth mother apparently slept with more than one man,so you think she is irresponsible. The "affording thing"- that is the whole problem with adoption i.e, white and/ or rich people should take kids from poor people. That's the whole thing. She chose the latest child to adopt our because she had no where to live v She may not have kept up as it was painful. So, according to you, she's a slut with no money and no place to live, so let the married rich people have the baby. Yeah, this is what we are trying to change the paradigm from. Did you ever read " Little Fires Everywhere"? Not the movie, poor interpretation of it, but the book. That should explain a lot. |
Anonymous
Sometimes the birth families don’t want contact. |
Anonymous
I had a couple friend in college who decided on adoption versus abortion after being gang raped at frat parties. Be prepared that the truth may be difficult. |
Anonymous
PP. You're projecting. Bio mom had a place to live. She was living with her mom and two children. Yes, she was low income. And religious. And had had several unserious boyfriends/bar dates, any of whom could have been the dad and who weren't around a few months later. And a mom who apparently told her what to do with her life. I didn't call her a slut or any other label. I do think she behaved irresponsibly and I think that's pretty factual. She made a lot of crappy decisions. I don't believe there were any crimes involved and it seems unlikely from what my friend said. This was an open adoption and the bio mom chose who she chose. Nobody "took" her baby. It's usually going to happen that adoptive parents have more money than bio parents...that just makes sense. No use sending kids from one tough situation into another. I have read Little Fires Everywhere. It was not a very good book in my opinion. It was improbable in a variety of ways and mainly a character study of a bunch of unfulfilled women. I don't see it as any more realistic than Beverly Hills 90210. I wouldn't recommend using fiction to support an anti-adoption, anti-UMC worldview. |
Anonymous
It happens more often that the adoptive parents get tired of the birth mom and want to just get on with their lives and forget about her. |