Question for adoption moms whose children sought out their birth mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

How dare you sit in judgement of the woman who was likely forced to carry to term and give birth to the offspring a rapist.

Your petty jealousy is shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am both an adoptee and an adopted mom.

Don’t do what my mom did when I met mine - she went on a diatribe when I finally met mine after 40 years. She called it a slap in the face and wrote me pages of emails telling me what a disappointment I was as a daughter and human. We are no longer in contact.

If she had bothered to listen to the rest of my story, she would’ve known I considered her my only mother and was actually heartbroken about the meeting, where my birth mother said she’d never be able to contact me again, due to needing secrecy about the situation.

This is the downside of adoptees insisting they had the right to find their birth mother and mess up her life. There are ways for birth mothers and adoptees to say they are ok with a meeting. If she hasn't added her name then leave her alone. There are valid reasons for giving up a child and it is only her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

How dare you sit in judgement of the woman who was likely forced to carry to term and give birth to the offspring a rapist.

Your petty jealousy is shameful.

What in the world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

You’re *insulted*?!?!

You GOT to raise this woman’s baby. You got 3 decades with her that her birth mother wasn’t able to have and that their reunion now, no matter how joyful or successful, can never make up. You got ALL that and you dare to be insulted?!!! How astonishingly selfish and stupid can you be?

Your DD’s birth mother has had so much loss for three decades. If you have love and decency in you (yet to be proven) and the birth mom has love and decency, what you accept is that your daughter’s family now expands to more fully include her birth family. You ROOT for this all to go well and for her to consider that she has two loving mothers now. You fully appreciate the gift you have had in exclusive “mothering” status for three decades and you accept the reality that your daughter does have another mother who may have been suffering and grieving all this time separated from your daughter.


You root for the best case scenario for your daughter, that she had a positive and enriching reuinion with someone who can be a positive addition to her life. You wish her well. You embrace a bigger family circle.

I’m someone whose sisters were lost to me through adoption but who are in reunion with us now, to our great joy. My middle sister has an adoptive mom who fully embraced her daughter’s curiosity about her first family and encouraged and supported reunions. She cried with joy on the phone the first day we found out each other existed. She invited me to come stay with them on our first phone call. She said it was like getting a bonus daughter to find out I existed.

nMy first sister did not have a supportive adoptive fam at all and is now estranged nfsllnofnyrkzxnn fff

[Anonymous]

I think the above is a little harsh. Yes, "insulted" was a poor choice of words. But my guess is that what is driving adoptive mom is fear. Fear that DD will decide to reject her in favor of birth mom and that she will lose the DD that she raised. Fears that are likely irrational but still there. This is why an adoption competent therapist is important for both child and adoptive parent in terms of navigating an emotionally fraught journeyin a way that enables all parties to be respectful and supportive of the other's feelings. I felt so sad reading the post above from the adoptee who is now estranged from her adoptive mom due to the mom's lack of support during her search to meet her birth mom---a birth mom who did not want further contact. That's the worst of all worlds.

[Anonymous]

This is only acceptable if the birth mother agrees and unless you know how to contact her it is not acceptable. When she gave up her child that was the end of her responsibility to this child. Leave her be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am both an adoptee and an adopted mom.

Don’t do what my mom did when I met mine - she went on a diatribe when I finally met mine after 40 years. She called it a slap in the face and wrote me pages of emails telling me what a disappointment I was as a daughter and human. We are no longer in contact.

If she had bothered to listen to the rest of my story, she would’ve known I considered her my only mother and was actually heartbroken about the meeting, where my birth mother said she’d never be able to contact me again, due to needing secrecy about the situation.

This is the downside of adoptees insisting they had the right to find their birth mother and mess up her life. There are ways for birth mothers and adoptees to say they are ok with a meeting. If she hasn't added her name then leave her alone. There are valid reasons for giving up a child and it is only her business.

In our case this is what happened. Birth mom didn't want contacted, per the court note. But adopted child felt they had a right. It did cause big waves in birth mom's family.

I saw both sides and they both were pretty heartbreaking. Birth mom thought she was doing the right thing by having the baby and giving it up. She'd moved on with her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

You’re *insulted*?!?!

You GOT to raise this woman’s baby. You got 3 decades with her that her birth mother wasn’t able to have and that their reunion now, no matter how joyful or successful, can never make up. You got ALL that and you dare to be insulted?!!! How astonishingly selfish and stupid can you be?

Your DD’s birth mother has had so much loss for three decades. If you have love and decency in you (yet to be proven) and the birth mom has love and decency, what you accept is that your daughter’s family now expands to more fully include her birth family. You ROOT for this all to go well and for her to consider that she has two loving mothers now. You fully appreciate the gift you have had in exclusive “mothering” status for three decades and you accept the reality that your daughter does have another mother who may have been suffering and grieving all this time separated from your daughter.


You root for the best case scenario for your daughter, that she had a positive and enriching reuinion with someone who can be a positive addition to her life. You wish her well. You embrace a bigger family circle.

I’m someone whose sisters were lost to me through adoption but who are in reunion with us now, to our great joy. My middle sister has an adoptive mom who fully embraced her daughter’s curiosity about her first family and encouraged and supported reunions. She cried with joy on the phone the first day we found out each other existed. She invited me to come stay with them on our first phone call. She said it was like getting a bonus daughter to find out I existed.

nMy first sister did not have a supportive adoptive fam at all and is now estranged nfsllnofnyrkzxnn fff

Stop projecting. Everyone has a right to their opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

We all understand now in this generation that these children are their own people, with their own genetic and ethnic identity- related to other people, not you. Not anyone in your family.

You raised her, but at some point you had to have come to grips that she was not related to you. This is not only her story that you do not own, but her future kid's stories, etc.

That being said, when she finds her relatives, they really won't be family. It just doesn't work that way. She just wants to know where she came from, and why. This is a human right.

Genetic families ARE family. Some may be close after reunion and some may be distant or estranged, like in all families.

Once my bio sister (who my mom relinquished for adoption) found us, we have absolutely been family. We are closer to each other than either of us are to our brothers we grew up with (mine bio, hers adoptive). We missed 45 years of sisterhood but in the last 9 since we hae known each other, we have been very close. Her husband is my son’s favorite uncle out of several others. We vacation together and talk often. She is more family than anyone I grew up with, and she feels the same.

Don’t underestimate how much genetic ties can be meaningful. I know some adoptive parents want to believe that love is love and blood means nothing…but for many of us, blood means a LOT and when you click, you click.

[Anonymous]

OP is worried because they had an open adoption agreement and she closed it as soon as she could