Question for adoption moms whose children sought out their birth mom

[Anonymous]

My DD is just 15, but I know she will want to find her birth parents, especially her mom. I don’t feel threatened by it (though we’re in the phase of life of eyerolls, sarcasm and hating mom). We’ve talked with about her birth parents from the very beginning and told her if she ever wants to meet them we will try to make it happen. They wanted a closed adoption but I do send the birth mom photos and notes every year. She responded up until DD was about 7. I’ve kept all those notes and will show to DD one day.

I think it’s normal to want to meet the people you were born to, though I know in my DD’s case, she will probably be a little disappointed when she finds them. We believe there are also siblings and are not sure how she will take that. She looks a lot like them, but some of her relatives have had hard lives, trouble with drugs/alcohol/the law/job stability, etc. some of the reasons you place a child for adoption to begin with…so while we will support her decision, I am sure the day it comes will be sensitive and emotional.

We’ve always told her that she was surrounded by love. Her birth parents loved her so much to place her, to give her a better life than they knew they could. That is truly a great love.

[Anonymous]

It is unrealistic to think that a person won't want to know where they came from. All you can do is be supportive, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your emotions are normal. If you don't have a friend that you can talk this through, I'd get a therapist. You may not even need that many sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

How could you not have anticipated this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

We all understand now in this generation that these children are their own people, with their own genetic and ethnic identity- related to other people, not you. Not anyone in your family.

You raised her, but at some point you had to have come to grips that she was not related to you. This is not only her story that you do not own, but her future kid's stories, etc.

That being said, when she finds her relatives, they really won't be family. It just doesn't work that way. She just wants to know where she came from, and why. This is a human right.

[Anonymous]

I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

+1. I think the better way to think of this is “I built my ‘happy ever after’ on the bed of some other woman’s misery.”

Someone needs to have gratitude, and it is not the adopted child who had no choice at all in her situation, nor the birth mom who has probably had few choices herself. Be grateful you had the opportunity to raise a child you didn’t birth yourself, OP, and allow your child to address her trauma and curiosity about her roots. Real moms are selfless. Give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

this is patently not true. My children's birth mom completely walked away from my 2 DCs once they were removed from her care due to neglect. She never visited, departed for another country, and went on to have a new relationship and children. She just quit on them. Even though I have never spoken ill of birth mom and have tried to explain some of the factors which I think may have driven her behavior, my children's rage and pain is still incandescent. Not writing this to support an "adoptive parent as savior" paradigm but to point out that the beatification of birth mothers is often erroneous as well. But I would still support them if they decided they wanted to contact her, because I think there is often the belief that circling back to meet birth mom can bring some degree of closure as well as answer questions. It often doesn't though, and can dredge up more pain, so just make sure you are being as supportive as possible and getting some adoption competent therapists to help your child (and you) navigate it.

[Anonymous]

I am an AP and I hope my child eventually searches for their birth parents. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to place a child for adoption, if I was in that position I would spend my entire life wondering if I had done the right thing.

If I have one wish in life it is that my child’s birth mother would never doubt that her child was loved and would know without a doubt that we have given our adopted child every single opportunity we could. The only way we can do that is if our child searches for their birth parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

this is patently not true. My children's birth mom completely walked away from my 2 DCs once they were removed from her care due to neglect. She never visited, departed for another country, and went on to have a new relationship and children. She just quit on them. Even though I have never spoken ill of birth mom and have tried to explain some of the factors which I think may have driven her behavior, my children's rage and pain is still incandescent. Not writing this to support an "adoptive parent as savior" paradigm but to point out that the beatification of birth mothers is often erroneous as well. But I would still support them if they decided they wanted to contact her, because I think there is often the belief that circling back to meet birth mom can bring some degree of closure as well as answer questions. It often doesn't though, and can dredge up more pain, so just make sure you are being as supportive as possible and getting some adoption competent therapists to help your child (and you) navigate it.

I think a situation where kids are removed from a home due to neglect is different from situations where kids are adopted at birth. I think most of the cases people on this thread are taking about is the latter. After listening to the podcast Liberty Lost, I have a different view of this type of adoption. There are many neglected children who need a loving family and I think it’s admirable that you’ve provided that for your children. But many people want to adopt at birth, often from women who desperately wanted to keep their babies. If these women don’t want to be found years later, it’s often out of shame or emotional pain.

[Anonymous]

You should have been trained to anticipate this desire on the part of your child. (I say that as an adoptive parent myself.)

It is not about you or how you raised her.

Your reaction will only make this more difficult for your child.

Seek counseling to work through your feelings. Don’t burden her with them.

(Please think of her own needs before your own. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

this is patently not true. My children's birth mom completely walked away from my 2 DCs once they were removed from her care due to neglect. She never visited, departed for another country, and went on to have a new relationship and children. She just quit on them. Even though I have never spoken ill of birth mom and have tried to explain some of the factors which I think may have driven her behavior, my children's rage and pain is still incandescent. Not writing this to support an "adoptive parent as savior" paradigm but to point out that the beatification of birth mothers is often erroneous as well. But I would still support them if they decided they wanted to contact her, because I think there is often the belief that circling back to meet birth mom can bring some degree of closure as well as answer questions. It often doesn't though, and can dredge up more pain, so just make sure you are being as supportive as possible and getting some adoption competent therapists to help your child (and you) navigate it.

It's impossible to say what was going on with her. She may not have walked away but was told she could never get her kids back from the social workers/attorneys and gave up, not knowing what to do. Or, there was more going on like mental health or substance abuse and she needed way more support than she was offered. Some social workers are great and go above and beyond, some are lousy and some are incompetent or so bias that they make it impossible as they set up the kids to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

Most adopt for their needs and wants, not the child’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

Most adopt for their needs and wants, not the child’s.

Adoption is about finding the best possible parents for a particular baby.

I call op a con. There is no way an adoptive parent is this ignorant. All have to go through pre adoption counseling