Cutting off family members- children question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

How do we know she hasn't talked to her?

My MIL is like this, has had lots of falling outs over the years with family, friends, people at church, etc. It's all for a littany of reasons and there's no water under the bridge, ever. DH is sad about it sometimes because he didn't put in any effor to maintain those relationships with extneded family and regrets it sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is wrong on multiple fronts.
I understand her lasting resentment against her siblings for not helping her elderly parents, and if she wants to cut off contact with them, that's a legitimate choice on her part.

But her first mistake is to visit the sins of the parents unto the children, ie, cut off the now-adult children of her siblings, who are not at fault. The second mistake is to expect that this fight should be perpetuated between descendants who had nothing to do with the actual events that triggered the fallout.

I feel strongly about this because it happened in my family. My grandfather contravened the laws of inheritance in the country he lived in, to have his only son inherit the bulk of his considerable estate, and left all his daughters in the cold. After a 25 year court battle, his daughters were finally given a fraction of what they were legally entitled to, because a lot had been spent already and the son was not required to pay them back the entirety of what he owed. Thereupon the son's wife and daughter declared all that side of the family were dead to them and I have never been able to contact my cousin again, or her three young daughters. Rifts in families like this are traumatic for all the innocent children and grandchildren who grow up without knowing their extended relatives.

So you are doing the right thing, OP. Your mother is a lost cause. Think of yourself, your relatives and future generations.

Wut??? Your family is living proof of why OP should side with her mother. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

Why stop there! Perhaps OP’s mom should just give up on people entirely and limit companionship to sycophantic chatbots. Then she never has to worry about anyone disagreeing with her ever again!

[Anonymous]

"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

[Anonymous]

Correction: Please keep in mind that they *never* celebrated my birthday growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

[Anonymous]

One of my parents did this
At war w their entire side of family.

As a result us kids get stuck in middle and were made to choose a side - by that parent. Essentially kept us away and limited to honestly no contact bc well they don’t get along.

It eventually ruins and sours any relationship you can possibly then form as a teen now adult

All this for us kids who have absolutely nothing to do w the issues

To this day I have zero relationship w that side because of this.

OP your mother is disgusting and needs to do better - on her own. Including excluding from her battles w family members

Do not stop speaking to or having a relationship w those family members.

[Anonymous]

Yourself ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

Sure probably but at some point people need to grow up or get help. My mom had no problem asking my aunts to babysit us (for free) when we were young, or designating them as our godparents (!) but then when I get home from college I'm not supposed to go visit them because tt hurt her feelings. I'm sorry but no, I'm not abandoning a relationship with family just because she no longer benefits from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

You can "beleive" someone and validate their feelings while at the same time think their response is an overreaction. Look at the other thread where the poser is thinking of going no-contact with her nephew because her son wasn't invited to his wedding. Valid to have hurt feelings? Of course. Would it justify cutting off the relationship? For me no.

FWIW, your ideas of what constitutes abuse is interesting to me (not sending you birthday gifts as an adult, OMG!) so I can understand why your kids aren't interested bowing to your wishes.

[Anonymous]

My grandma is a difficult woman and did have a lot of cut-offs including with all of her inlaws. My aunt was desperate for the extended family on that side she never had. She reached out and started getting together with them. At first she could not believe grandma robbed her of all this warmth and love. Over the course of time, as they let their guard down and took the masks off she was like Whoa! We are so fortunate she protected us from that. It was really bad and would take a loooong post. That doesn't mean grandma wasn't difficult, but turned out her boundaries were on target in this case and she protected her kids. Just food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Maybe they find you difficult to deal with but didn't want to take it out on your children. Just a thought- you sound easily offended, still mulling over comments from your childhood and thinking that they send your kids cards as an eff you? There are so many red flags in this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

Why stop there! Perhaps OP’s mom should just give up on people entirely and limit companionship to sycophantic chatbots. Then she never has to worry about anyone disagreeing with her ever again!

Why give up on people? There are plenty of other people out there she could get along with who don't also drag the pain of her biological family along with them. She could have a perfectly happy life without them and without OP. How old is she, OP? Maybe she'll remarry and have a set of step children and step grandchildren to focus on, as well as a doting DH who has her back. What a great way to live out the remaining part of her life: before and after. I hope she does this. I'm rooting for her.