Cutting off family members- children question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Yes, abusers are cunning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

Sure probably but at some point people need to grow up or get help. My mom had no problem asking my aunts to babysit us (for free) when we were young, or designating them as our godparents (!) but then when I get home from college I'm not supposed to go visit them because tt hurt her feelings. I'm sorry but no, I'm not abandoning a relationship with family just because she no longer benefits from it.

It sounds like you are really against your mom and also that you totally side with your aunts. WTF. If I had to guess, i would say your mom took the high road while your aunts trash talked her to you, and your opinions are the result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

Why stop there! Perhaps OP’s mom should just give up on people entirely and limit companionship to sycophantic chatbots. Then she never has to worry about anyone disagreeing with her ever again!

Why give up on people? There are plenty of other people out there she could get along with who don't also drag the pain of her biological family along with them. She could have a perfectly happy life without them and without OP. How old is she, OP? Maybe she'll remarry and have a set of step children and step grandchildren to focus on, as well as a doting DH who has her back. What a great way to live out the remaining part of her life: before and after. I hope she does this. I'm rooting for her.

And the next time someone inevitably disappoints her she can start all over again and audition a new family.

[Anonymous]

Based on e patience there are two sides to bc every family drama. My parents have played victim all these years— they’re the ones, all other relatives are bad, nasty evil people. Not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on experience, there are two sides to every family drama. My parents have played victim all these years— they’re the ones, all other relatives are bad, nasty evil people. Not always the case.

Corrected above. Now in my early 50s dealing with some of my parents’ judgmental behavior and stubbornness, I’m like, ooohh, I get it now.

[Anonymous]

I would just say, “Mom, I love you. I believe that you’ve been hurt, and I am sad about that. My memories and relationships with my cousins are still important to me, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

If she’s angry I would just validate her emotion and then walk away from the conversation. Just don’t engage once she’s mad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do not believe her family was abusive to her. Just lots of bickering and jealousy growing up. Then, when grandma was dying of cancer (stage 4, incurable), my mom called in hospice when the other siblings thought grandma should get treatment and be in a hospital. Grandma made that decision, but they wanted my mom to overrule her. I think my mom felt like they blamed her for her death (but I don't know that for certain). Then bickering over inherited property. She really wanted their wedding ring, but her sibling took it and refused to give it. It wasn't listed in the will and likely wasn't worth a ton. It's all petty stuff in my mind, but I know that it adds up over time.

She knows when we travel because she lives nearby, we talk often, and she has a sibling that she does talk to who would tell her.

I actually don't engage with my mom about it. I just really miss the way things used to be though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

This OP. I’m in the same situation, and I long and plan to one day try to find my cousins again. But out of respect, I will wait until we are the eldest generation. Don’t be such an archetype of a selfish only child, we don’t need more flak

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do not believe her family was abusive to her. Just lots of bickering and jealousy growing up. Then, when grandma was dying of cancer (stage 4, incurable), my mom called in hospice when the other siblings thought grandma should get treatment and be in a hospital. Grandma made that decision, but they wanted my mom to overrule her. I think my mom felt like they blamed her for her death (but I don't know that for certain). Then bickering over inherited property. She really wanted their wedding ring, but her sibling took it and refused to give it. It wasn't listed in the will and likely wasn't worth a ton. It's all petty stuff in my mind, but I know that it adds up over time.

She knows when we travel because she lives nearby, we talk often, and she has a sibling that she does talk to who would tell her.

I actually don't engage with my mom about it. I just really miss the way things used to be though.

Her siblings punished her for honoring their mother’s wishes regarding her treatment of terminal cancer? Bless your mom that she didn’t force your grandmother to prolong her suffering and go through unnecessary treatments. That definitely changes things for me. You don’t need to end relationships but you should be more understanding of your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

Sure probably but at some point people need to grow up or get help. My mom had no problem asking my aunts to babysit us (for free) when we were young, or designating them as our godparents (!) but then when I get home from college I'm not supposed to go visit them because tt hurt her feelings. I'm sorry but no, I'm not abandoning a relationship with family just because she no longer benefits from it.

It sounds like you are really against your mom and also that you totally side with your aunts. WTF. If I had to guess, i would say your mom took the high road while your aunts trash talked her to you, and your opinions are the result.

Nope- 100% the opposite. Good try though! My mom trash talks pretty much everyone though, not just her siblings. e.g., moms at our schools, co-workers, neighbors, etc. As a result I try really hard not to "vent" to my kids about their relatives because I think it's unfair to use your kids as your unpaid therapist. YYMV obviously.

[Anonymous]

*YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

Sure probably but at some point people need to grow up or get help. My mom had no problem asking my aunts to babysit us (for free) when we were young, or designating them as our godparents (!) but then when I get home from college I'm not supposed to go visit them because tt hurt her feelings. I'm sorry but no, I'm not abandoning a relationship with family just because she no longer benefits from it.

It sounds like you are really against your mom and also that you totally side with your aunts. WTF. If I had to guess, i would say your mom took the high road while your aunts trash talked her to you, and your opinions are the result.

Nope- 100% the opposite. Good try though! My mom trash talks pretty much everyone though, not just her siblings. e.g., moms at our schools, co-workers, neighbors, etc. As a result I try really hard not to "vent" to my kids about their relatives because I think it's unfair to use your kids as your unpaid therapist. YYMV obviously.

It sounds like your mom suffers from poor self esteem. I would deflect when she starts complaining but be understanding at the same time because she likely has a lot of inner turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do not believe her family was abusive to her. Just lots of bickering and jealousy growing up. Then, when grandma was dying of cancer (stage 4, incurable), my mom called in hospice when the other siblings thought grandma should get treatment and be in a hospital. Grandma made that decision, but they wanted my mom to overrule her. I think my mom felt like they blamed her for her death (but I don't know that for certain). Then bickering over inherited property. She really wanted their wedding ring, but her sibling took it and refused to give it. It wasn't listed in the will and likely wasn't worth a ton. It's all petty stuff in my mind, but I know that it adds up over time.

She knows when we travel because she lives nearby, we talk often, and she has a sibling that she does talk to who would tell her.

I actually don't engage with my mom about it. I just really miss the way things used to be though.

Her siblings punished her for honoring their mother’s wishes regarding her treatment of terminal cancer? Bless your mom that she didn’t force your grandmother to prolong her suffering and go through unnecessary treatments. That definitely changes things for me. You don’t need to end relationships but you should be more understanding of your mom.

End of life decisions are always really hard. OP did your mom have POA for grandma and that's why the siblings thought your mom had the power to overrule her? Dio you get the sense the rest of the family is still resentful or is it mainly your mom that doesn't want to reconcile? In any event it's not fair that your mom treats you that way for maintaining a relationship, it's selfish of her to expect you to isolate yourself like she did.

Bickering and jealousy was pretty common in my mom's family too, so different from my dad's family where the siblings largely get along. I suspect some of it is the way they were raised but also personality differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma is a difficult woman and did have a lot of cut-offs including with all of her inlaws. My aunt was desperate for the extended family on that side she never had. She reached out and started getting together with them. At first she could not believe grandma robbed her of all this warmth and love. Over the course of time, as they let their guard down and took the masks off she was like Whoa! We are so fortunate she protected us from that. It was really bad and would take a loooong post. That doesn't mean grandma wasn't difficult, but turned out her boundaries were on target in this case and she protected her kids. Just food for thought.

This happened in my family, too. Crazy can't stay under wraps forever.

[Anonymous]

This exact thing happened in my family. My mom and aunt waited for my grandma to die before contacting their aunt and cousins. Everything was hunky dory until it wasn’t! Now they don’t speak again. The original fight was over elder care and the second one was over Trump, natch.