Cutting off family members- children question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you in the middle of your mother falling out w other family members?

Remove yourself from all that. To include not listening to her side of the story or whatever.


Also Speak up for yourself OP.
Let your mother know her fights w other family members is not your problem.

The end.

I'm just curious -- what do you think family is all about? Is it about ignoring people who cause pain to family members, shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Not my problem"? Because that's what you're describing. I would suggest OP's mother is better off without her if that's how she feels. I'm sure people like you are often saying, "Your family is the family you make, not the one you're born with" and I would say the same to OP's mother. OP is not family to her mother if she doesn't care that others hurt her. The end.

[Anonymous]

How does she “find out” about your trips?

[Anonymous]

I would be interested in how your mother would explain the feud. Maybe the siblings wanted their mother put in a retirement home and she didn’t agree. That said, you and your cousins had NOTHING to do with the grandparents care so you shouldn’t be held responsible to keep up the family feud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you in the middle of your mother falling out w other family members?

Remove yourself from all that. To include not listening to her side of the story or whatever.


Also Speak up for yourself OP.
Let your mother know her fights w other family members is not your problem.

The end.

I'm just curious -- what do you think family is all about? Is it about ignoring people who cause pain to family members, shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Not my problem"? Because that's what you're describing. I would suggest OP's mother is better off without her if that's how she feels. I'm sure people like you are often saying, "Your family is the family you make, not the one you're born with" and I would say the same to OP's mother. OP is not family to her mother if she doesn't care that others hurt her. The end.

Ma’am
OPs mother wants OP to not speak to family she’s mad at.

How is that fair to OP? Why should OP get mixed up in that?

What does OP have to do w her mother’s issues w others?

Do you insert yourself in other family members drama behind the name of them simply being family ?


Op gets along fine w those people.

Why should she not speak w them bc of her messy mothers issues w them ?


🙄

[Anonymous]

She's upset because you aren't @siding" with her. Yes it's childish and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you in the middle of your mother falling out w other family members?

Remove yourself from all that. To include not listening to her side of the story or whatever.


Also Speak up for yourself OP.
Let your mother know her fights w other family members is not your problem.

The end.

I'm just curious -- what do you think family is all about? Is it about ignoring people who cause pain to family members, shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Not my problem"? Because that's what you're describing. I would suggest OP's mother is better off without her if that's how she feels. I'm sure people like you are often saying, "Your family is the family you make, not the one you're born with" and I would say the same to OP's mother. OP is not family to her mother if she doesn't care that others hurt her. The end.

Ma’am
OPs mother wants OP to not speak to family she’s mad at.

How is that fair to OP? Why should OP get mixed up in that?

What does OP have to do w her mother’s issues w others?

Do you insert yourself in other family members drama behind the name of them simply being family ?


Op gets along fine w those people.

Why should she not speak w them bc of her messy mothers issues w them ?


🙄

Sure. Let's put it this way: Your DC has a longtime friend and now, in middle or high school, is being bulled. The long-time friend remains friends with the bullies because she's not the one being bullied. Not her problem. She tells DD about sleepovers and parties which your DC doesn't attend. Does that sound like a friend to you, ma'am? I would council my DC to no longer think of that person as a friend.

OP's mother is better off without her. She's better off making a family of her own from the people she chooses. Isn't that what people on DCUM are always advising?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's upset because you aren't @siding" with her. Yes it's childish and selfish.

I don't think it's childish or selfish. Of course you stand up for family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's upset because you aren't @siding" with her. Yes it's childish and selfish.

NP +1

[Anonymous]

Do not mention it to her and do not mention her to them. Make it a non-issue. Detach enough so that when you say you are going out of town, you don't give details. If she pushes and then wants gossip calmly make it clear it's just not something you will discuss.

[Anonymous]

My mom did the same for a different reason and it ruined my relationship with my cousins. It’s my fault for supporting her, but I hate it happened. Absent abuse, I will not cut family off. I would continue to see your relatives but be honest with your mom that you will not discuss your visits. I wish I had. It’s all so immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does she “find out” about your trips?

+1
If she's not in contact with family, are you telling her? If so, stop telling her. She doesn't need to know, and it causes her pain.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether you get some excitement out of her reactions. I have a friend who always complains about her sister getting jealous of her relationship with her other sister, yet she posts everything on FB. I make it all private and she would not. Eventually she did confess that the sister left out has said so many cruel things to her that she likes knowing it will piss her off.

Take the high road. Have empathy for your mom and understand that they may treat you far better than they treated her, but there may be something to her anger with them. Stop mentioning the visits. When you set boundaries around talking about it do it with heart and reassure her you love her, want to be close to her and never share anything with them about her. Then stick to your boundaries. Do it with them too. Do not share info about your mother.

It can be done. I was close to my cousin and kept a relationship with her mother after they cut off. I refused to talk about one to the other. I did acknowledge to my cousin I did not like how her mother treated her. I also would defend my cousin to my aunt and then make it clear I was the wrong person to badmouth her to. I only kept the relationship with my aunt because I would see her at family events my cousin didn't attend and we had some common interests, but any attempts to gossip or badmouth were a no go.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

[Anonymous]

Your mother is wrong on multiple fronts.
I understand her lasting resentment against her siblings for not helping her elderly parents, and if she wants to cut off contact with them, that's a legitimate choice on her part.

But her first mistake is to visit the sins of the parents unto the children, ie, cut off the now-adult children of her siblings, who are not at fault. The second mistake is to expect that this fight should be perpetuated between descendants who had nothing to do with the actual events that triggered the fallout.

I feel strongly about this because it happened in my family. My grandfather contravened the laws of inheritance in the country he lived in, to have his only son inherit the bulk of his considerable estate, and left all his daughters in the cold. After a 25 year court battle, his daughters were finally given a fraction of what they were legally entitled to, because a lot had been spent already and the son was not required to pay them back the entirety of what he owed. Thereupon the son's wife and daughter declared all that side of the family were dead to them and I have never been able to contact my cousin again, or her three young daughters. Rifts in families like this are traumatic for all the innocent children and grandchildren who grow up without knowing their extended relatives.

So you are doing the right thing, OP. Your mother is a lost cause. Think of yourself, your relatives and future generations.

[Anonymous]

You need to establish boundaries. Your mom has every right to cut off contact with whomever she choose. She does not have the right to dictate your relationships.

My family skews dysfunctional and there are often family members who aren't speaking to other family members. There were several years when my mom wasn't speaking to her family (over something ridiculous). I told her I respected her choice, but I was not going to end my relationship with my grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins. I didn't lie to her, but I also didn't offer up information about when I saw family members. If she asked about them, I politely told her I wouldn't be discussing them with her (and vice versa).