Cutting off family members- children question

[Anonymous]

My mom has cut her family off. She never wants to see or speak to them again. It was an argument over elder care when my grandparents died. Except I have so many happy memories of my cousins, aunts and uncles. They’re all really nice people and I fly to see them once a year (dad’s side is near too).

Any time I go, my mom gets really upset and won’t speak to me for a long time. Then she hounds me for gossipy information. My cousins all married and she would refuse to go. I really don’t understand why I’m supposed to cut them off just because she did. I’m planning on going this August and she found out and hasn’t spoken to me for weeks. It’s also awkward because my aunts and uncles are so sad about it too and a bit angry.

This is childish and hurtful right? Why does she want me to cut them all off? I’m an only child.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I can get her being upset. But the fact that you still get along with your aunts and uncles, and they are sad about your mom, likely means that you're mom has been the unreasonable one in this situation. So her overreaction with you seems on par.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can get her being upset. But the fact that you still get along with your aunts and uncles, and they are sad about your mom, likely means that you're mom has been the unreasonable one in this situation. So her overreaction with you seems on par.

Well the person who's responsible for the bad behavior is not the one who's hurt, so is not the one to cut anyone off. That's strange logic you're using. Of course they're sad -- they did something wrong and lost a sibling because of it. Why don't they talk to her, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

NP, agree OP should talk to her. But I have a mom who holds grudges and overreacts often. She's lost a lot of friendships that way because they do one thing she finds hurtful, she cuts them off. A few years ago she took "a little break from me" because she didn't want to do something with DS (think CYO, co sleeping) and she took that as me calling her a bad mom because she did it raising me. So if OPs mom is anything like mine, I wouldn't support the estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has cut her family off. She never wants to see or speak to them again. It was an argument over elder care when my grandparents died. Except I have so many happy memories of my cousins, aunts and uncles. They’re all really nice people and I fly to see them once a year (dad’s side is near too).

Any time I go, my mom gets really upset and won’t speak to me for a long time. Then she hounds me for gossipy information. My cousins all married and she would refuse to go. I really don’t understand why I’m supposed to cut them off just because she did. I’m planning on going this August and she found out and hasn’t spoken to me for weeks. It’s also awkward because my aunts and uncles are so sad about it too and a bit angry.

This is childish and hurtful right? Why does she want me to cut them all off? I’m an only child.

Yes, your mom is being childish, on a number of fronts. Don’t be surprised when she cuts you off one day.

[Anonymous]

What was the argument? Was your mom doing the vast bulk of the care while her siblings just left it to her to handle? Did they really do her wrong, in your opinion?

You could come right out and ask her why she would want to deny you relationships with the family, and pressure you to choose sides. You can validate her feelings, if you think they’re worth validating, but let her know that you value your relationships with them. Let her know she’s always #1 in your heart, and ask if there’s any way she could see her way to a reconciliation. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

I think we need to know what she thinks they did, and if you believe her.

[Anonymous]

Your next OP

[Anonymous]

You’re ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to know what she thinks they did, and if you believe her.

+1

It certainly sounds like a case where she’s majorly overreacting. But in case you haven’t already, I’d definitely hear here out.

Assuming either your mom is in the wrong, or your extended family is in the wrong but cutting them off is an overreaction, I think you tell your mom, “Look, I’ve heard you out and I understand why you’re upset. But this is not egregious enough behavior that I’m willing to cut them off. If you want to do that, that’s up to you, but they’re the only extended family I have, and I’m going to continue to see them. I don’t want to upset you or reopen fresh wounds. Would you prefer if I didn’t mention these trips to you?”

And anytime she asks you ANY questions about them, you say “if you want to catch up with them, you should reach out and end this estrangement. I will not be a go-between.

If she DOES have a good point, and they did treat her really poorly, you’ll have more information and can re-evaluate your decision to stay in contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to know what she thinks they did, and if you believe her.

+1

It certainly sounds like a case where she’s majorly overreacting. But in case you haven’t already, I’d definitely hear here out.

Assuming either your mom is in the wrong, or your extended family is in the wrong but cutting them off is an overreaction, I think you tell your mom, “Look, I’ve heard you out and I understand why you’re upset. But this is not egregious enough behavior that I’m willing to cut them off. If you want to do that, that’s up to you, but they’re the only extended family I have, and I’m going to continue to see them. I don’t want to upset you or reopen fresh wounds. Would you prefer if I didn’t mention these trips to you?”

And anytime she asks you ANY questions about them, you say “if you want to catch up with them, you should reach out and end this estrangement. I will not be a go-between.

If she DOES have a good point, and they did treat her really poorly, you’ll have more information and can re-evaluate your decision to stay in contact with them.

Based on what?

[Anonymous]

Why are you in the middle of your mother falling out w other family members?

Remove yourself from all that. To include not listening to her side of the story or whatever.


Also Speak up for yourself OP.
Let your mother know her fights w other family members is not your problem.

The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

You’re toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.

You’re toxic.

LOL you're insane.