Adult daughter overdosed - she's ok but ex-dh refuses to give me updates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your sponsor.
Go to a meeting.
If you don't have a sponsor find a meeting and go asap.

I do all the above. My main point: don't be that ex. His behavior, which I have zero control over, is despicable and selfish. My post is basically a long frustrated vent that some people are so wrapped up in their desire for vengeance that they can't ever step aside for a moment and say "oh crap, actually I need to take my ego out of this for a moment and involve the other parent for the good of our child." and for those asking - I spoke with my kid twice yesterday. Once when she called from the ER crying and later in the evening when she said it was all under control, she's fine and $hit happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

OP, I get it, but you have to move forward forging an adult relationship with your daughter, and you have to leave behind any relationship with your Ex. Why would you want preserve family traditions with your Ex? Most family traditions change after kids leave the house anyway. I'm a PP and I repeat, you need to focus on your relationship with your daughter. If you keep letting your anger with your Ex--however justified-- continue to mar your relationship with your daughter, you will be actively harming her.

[Anonymous]

Seems you are addicted to the drama with your ex. You should be concentrating your energy on helping your DD who grew up with two addicts for parents. This should, for once, be about her - not you, your ex or your dysfunctional relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

OP, I get it, but you have to move forward forging an adult relationship with your daughter, and you have to leave behind any relationship with your Ex. Why would you want preserve family traditions with your Ex? Most family traditions change after kids leave the house anyway. I'm a PP and I repeat, you need to focus on your relationship with your daughter. If you keep letting your anger with your Ex--however justified-- continue to mar your relationship with your daughter, you will be actively harming her.

I do not discuss my ex with my kids. Of course it's hard to keep my mouth shut. Which is why I'm posting here. I know better than to try to put kids, even adult kids, in the middle of a situation. I never thought they needed to pick a side and see one of us as good and just and the other as horrible. To me, this relationship needed to end. I'm grateful to him for being the one to pull the plug. But I do need to process the $hit he does. Me to my dd yesterday: "You're Dad's there? Ok please keep me posted and let me know how you're doing." I have worked overtime to NOT let my kids know what I actually think about him. This is just another outlet for me. I'm ok with how I am managing the divorce in relation to my kids. They do not need to know the ins and outs. He tells them everything from his perspective. I don't believe they need to hear mine. But, again, I AM really f$%ing pissed he couldn't even man up when one of our kids faced a crisis. And, again, don't be like that in a divorce. I do hope some day this all bites him in the ass. But that is up to the universe. In the meantime, I'm trying to help my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

OP, I get it, but you have to move forward forging an adult relationship with your daughter, and you have to leave behind any relationship with your Ex. Why would you want preserve family traditions with your Ex? Most family traditions change after kids leave the house anyway. I'm a PP and I repeat, you need to focus on your relationship with your daughter. If you keep letting your anger with your Ex--however justified-- continue to mar your relationship with your daughter, you will be actively harming her.

I do not discuss my ex with my kids. Of course it's hard to keep my mouth shut. Which is why I'm posting here. I know better than to try to put kids, even adult kids, in the middle of a situation. I never thought they needed to pick a side and see one of us as good and just and the other as horrible. To me, this relationship needed to end. I'm grateful to him for being the one to pull the plug. But I do need to process the $hit he does. Me to my dd yesterday: "You're Dad's there? Ok please keep me posted and let me know how you're doing." I have worked overtime to NOT let my kids know what I actually think about him. This is just another outlet for me. I'm ok with how I am managing the divorce in relation to my kids. They do not need to know the ins and outs. He tells them everything from his perspective. I don't believe they need to hear mine. But, again, I AM really f$%ing pissed he couldn't even man up when one of our kids faced a crisis. And, again, don't be like that in a divorce. I do hope some day this all bites him in the ass. But that is up to the universe. In the meantime, I'm trying to help my kid.

Oh, believe me, the kids know.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be especially hard knowing your husband's approach/active addiction and your own history. I don't have any words for you but sending a quick healing message to her and you.

I agree with others that your local meeting could be a good source. At the same time, I wonder also if it could be the opposite of minimizing given that group's history, which is maybe what your ex is responding to (and that is NOT because i don't think this is a big deal - it's a very big deal). But just an idea to consider that resource, AND others as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more info here.

Is this a scenario where you are in recovery from opiods and that's what she od-ed on, and you are saying your DH may drink too much?

Or are you saying you are all three in recovery from the same thing?

The specifics really matter here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Ex is an active alcoholic. Our kid used opioids. I've been in recovery long enough that I know several kids who died in the last few years after relapsing - some from alcohol, some from cross addictions. And I know many more young people who are doing great in sobriety. I would like to gently encourage her to find a program or therapy that will help her address the underlying issues that lead to substance abuse. Her father would rather ignore. And I know from the active addict perspective that you ALWAYS want to go in the direction of the people telling you it's not so bad. It took a low bottom for me to get sober. I can't force any of this on her. I just hope the next call isn't going to be the hospital asking me to come pick up her body. Which, of course, I did NOT say to her, but that is the reality of addiction especially when you get to the point of overdosing.

Oh...so what did you expect will happen with this history of addiction and socializing your kids into an addict lifestyle? What do you envision the future will bring for all three of you?

You can't plant a thorny acacia tree and expect to be eating sweet mangoes. You are reaping exactly what you sowed. Go to AA and find help from professionals. Or chatGPT. Don't be crowdsourcing this on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more info here.

Is this a scenario where you are in recovery from opiods and that's what she od-ed on, and you are saying your DH may drink too much?

Or are you saying you are all three in recovery from the same thing?

The specifics really matter here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Ex is an active alcoholic. Our kid used opioids. I've been in recovery long enough that I know several kids who died in the last few years after relapsing - some from alcohol, some from cross addictions. And I know many more young people who are doing great in sobriety. I would like to gently encourage her to find a program or therapy that will help her address the underlying issues that lead to substance abuse. Her father would rather ignore. And I know from the active addict perspective that you ALWAYS want to go in the direction of the people telling you it's not so bad. It took a low bottom for me to get sober. I can't force any of this on her. I just hope the next call isn't going to be the hospital asking me to come pick up her body. Which, of course, I did NOT say to her, but that is the reality of addiction especially when you get to the point of overdosing.

Oh...so what did you expect will happen with this history of addiction and socializing your kids into an addict lifestyle? What do you envision the future will bring for all three of you?

You can't plant a thorny acacia tree and expect to be eating sweet mangoes. You are reaping exactly what you sowed. Go to AA and find help from professionals. Or chatGPT. Don't be crowdsourcing this on DCUM.

Asking here is much better than freaking AI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hospital will give her a lot of information on recovery programs and recovery resources in her area. The staff will encourage her to work recovery resources.

She is a legal adult. She called you in the morning. Her Dad is in town and is supporting her. Give her a call or text in a week or so.

Hit some recovery meetings today for yourself. In addition to AA/NA meetings you might want to check out AlAnon meetings for you. It is for friends and family members of those using drugs and alcohol.

As you know from your recovery programs, you are responsible for you and your daughter is responsible for herself.

Be thankful your ex husband was in town and able to offer supports.

If by support you mean picking her up at the hospital and minimizing what just happened, then yeah, sure, it's pretty awesome.

You don’t have any control over either is the reality. I second the suggestion to find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting today and continue to work your own program actively. I’m glad she was treated in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems you are addicted to the drama with your ex. You should be concentrating your energy on helping your DD who grew up with two addicts for parents. This should, for once, be about her - not you, your ex or your dysfunctional relationship.

This.