Adult daughter overdosed - she's ok but ex-dh refuses to give me updates

[Anonymous]

As if my nightmare divorce couldn't get any worse. Adult dd lives in another state where my ex happened to be traveling on business. She ended up in hospital - they gave her Narcan and she's ok. She phoned me early in the morning yesterday and I was ready to fly out to be with her and offer support.

Full disclosure I am in recovery for substance abuse and have been sober for several years. My ex filed for divorce after I got sober. He has his own substance abuse issues that he won't acknowledge and I think my sobriety holds a mirror up to his own substance abuse issues that he prefers to ignore.

I didn't want to fly out to force her into rehab but I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use and just be with her for a few days. I was going to stay at a local hotel.

When she told me her father happened to be in town and was coming to get her my heart sank because I knew, correctly, that he would convince her NOT to speak to me.

I tried to reach her all day yesterday but she wouldn't respond to texts or pick up the phone. Finally in the evening she answered and told me not to bother coming out, that she was fine, that the whole thing was just a silly accident that could have happened to anyone and that she is fine.

I'm in a nightmare state right now where she is now with the one person who won't take this seriously. "Kids do stupid things. She's fine."

I'm just throwing this out to the universe. I texted him last night and said "regardless of the situation between us we need to have a conversation about our child and I need to be kept in the loop." Radio silence from him.

I feel completely powerless over this whole situation. She is young and I don't think she understands that this episode could have killed her, and the messaging from her father is "you're fine! don't worry about the ER bills!"

Anyone have any suggestions for how to navigate this $hit $how? I'm really worried about her and I'm furious with him for minimizing what just happened and being so caught up in his hatred of me that he can't even have a discussion about how we as parents should try to support her.

That's all. Happy Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, no one owes you any information here. It’s good your ex happened to be there.

Are you offering to pay for rehab?

[Anonymous]

We need more info here.

Is this a scenario where you are in recovery from opiods and that's what she od-ed on, and you are saying your DH may drink too much?

Or are you saying you are all three in recovery from the same thing?

The specifics really matter here.

[Anonymous]

I am so impressed that someone who parented with a substance problem can get sober and yet still cast themselves as the saintly martyr in a story about your child ODing and not wanting to talk to you.

Your ex may suck. Your kid might be able to get help but it probably won’t be from you or him so make sure she knows what support you’re offering and that you love her and then stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need more info here.

Is this a scenario where you are in recovery from opiods and that's what she od-ed on, and you are saying your DH may drink too much?

Or are you saying you are all three in recovery from the same thing?

The specifics really matter here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Ex is an active alcoholic. Our kid used opioids. I've been in recovery long enough that I know several kids who died in the last few years after relapsing - some from alcohol, some from cross addictions. And I know many more young people who are doing great in sobriety. I would like to gently encourage her to find a program or therapy that will help her address the underlying issues that lead to substance abuse. Her father would rather ignore. And I know from the active addict perspective that you ALWAYS want to go in the direction of the people telling you it's not so bad. It took a low bottom for me to get sober. I can't force any of this on her. I just hope the next call isn't going to be the hospital asking me to come pick up her body. Which, of course, I did NOT say to her, but that is the reality of addiction especially when you get to the point of overdosing.

[Anonymous]

Are you the lady with the deadbeat adult kids who was talking about selling her Hermes Birkin bags? And your DH has a new girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the lady with the deadbeat adult kids who was talking about selling her Hermes Birkin bags? And your DH has a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not interested in designer handbags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, no one owes you any information here. It’s good your ex happened to be there.

Are you offering to pay for rehab?

I would pay for rehab but that's not even close to being on the table at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so impressed that someone who parented with a substance problem can get sober and yet still cast themselves as the saintly martyr in a story about your child ODing and not wanting to talk to you.

Your ex may suck. Your kid might be able to get help but it probably won’t be from you or him so make sure she knows what support you’re offering and that you love her and then stay out of it.

Did that make you feel better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the lady with the deadbeat adult kids who was talking about selling her Hermes Birkin bags? And your DH has a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not interested in designer handbags.

Are you the one with the nurse son who begs you for food?

[Anonymous]

The hospital will give her a lot of information on recovery programs and recovery resources in her area. The staff will encourage her to work recovery resources.

She is a legal adult. She called you in the morning. Her Dad is in town and is supporting her. Give her a call or text in a week or so.

Hit some recovery meetings today for yourself. In addition to AA/NA meetings you might want to check out AlAnon meetings for you. It is for friends and family members of those using drugs and alcohol.

As you know from your recovery programs, you are responsible for you and your daughter is responsible for herself.

Be thankful your ex husband was in town and able to offer supports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the lady with the deadbeat adult kids who was talking about selling her Hermes Birkin bags? And your DH has a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not interested in designer handbags.

Are you the one with the nurse son who begs you for food?

I can't imagine waking up on a Saturday morning thinking it would be fun to troll a message board. I'll pray for you. That can't be a healthy way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hospital will give her a lot of information on recovery programs and recovery resources in her area. The staff will encourage her to work recovery resources.

She is a legal adult. She called you in the morning. Her Dad is in town and is supporting her. Give her a call or text in a week or so.

Hit some recovery meetings today for yourself. In addition to AA/NA meetings you might want to check out AlAnon meetings for you. It is for friends and family members of those using drugs and alcohol.

As you know from your recovery programs, you are responsible for you and your daughter is responsible for herself.

Be thankful your ex husband was in town and able to offer supports.

If by support you mean picking her up at the hospital and minimizing what just happened, then yeah, sure, it's pretty awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, no one owes you any information here. It’s good your ex happened to be there.

Are you offering to pay for rehab?

I would pay for rehab but that's not even close to being on the table at this point.

Ok, so your child is an adult. Your ex was there for her. Rather than childishly casting aspersions on your ex and your child, you have no choice but to trust they have it under control.

Isn’t learning the difference between what you can control and what you can’t a key tenet of recovery? Reflect on that. I understand you are upset and worried but there really isn’t anything you can do here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the lady with the deadbeat adult kids who was talking about selling her Hermes Birkin bags? And your DH has a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not interested in designer handbags.

Are you the one with the nurse son who begs you for food?

Pp here. Stop with the Nancy Drew shit already.