Adult daughter overdosed - she's ok but ex-dh refuses to give me updates

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’m sorry for the meanness you’re finding here. I hope your daughter will be okay.

I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but I think there are groups that might have experience with what you’re going through, that can offer you advice and support. You probably know more about such programs than I do, but this might be a starting point.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nar-Anon

[Anonymous]

This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has called you twice and talked with you twice.

Let her work her own program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

[Anonymous]

One parent at the time. Don't pile on. You already told her you'd be there for her. She has your number.
I'm sure she want dad to get lost also.
And what's with the extremes? From being addicted yourself to calling her several times, and even making ex out to be a bad guy.
She needs time to think about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’m sorry for the meanness you’re finding here. I hope your daughter will be okay.

I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but I think there are groups that might have experience with what you’re going through, that can offer you advice and support. You probably know more about such programs than I do, but this might be a starting point.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nar-Anon

Thanks yes I have friends who do AlAnon as well I'll check in and see if there are any meetings this weekend. I have plenty of meetings of my own to attend. I think the innate meanness here is coming from people who may possibly have their own addiction issues, like my ex. Plenty of us are high functioning high earning addicts. It took me a long time to accept that a big paycheck, bank account and nice house didn't mean I didn't have to face my own substance abuse....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One parent at the time. Don't pile on. You already told her you'd be there for her. She has your number.
I'm sure she want dad to get lost also.
And what's with the extremes? From being addicted yourself to calling her several times, and even making ex out to be a bad guy.
She needs time to think about things.

The ex is a bad guy. Damaged and selfish and incapable of ever being decent. I called her twice because when she called from the hospital I told her I was going to fly out and she was receptive until the moment her father arrived. So I needed to figure out my own arrangements. She admitted she should have let me know but she feels she can’t speak with me in her father’s presence. He is a monster. I would never put her in that position. But. I have no choice but to let him take the reins. I’m sure he’ll take her out for dinner and drinks this weekend. That’s how he rolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’m sorry for the meanness you’re finding here. I hope your daughter will be okay.

I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but I think there are groups that might have experience with what you’re going through, that can offer you advice and support. You probably know more about such programs than I do, but this might be a starting point.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nar-Anon

Thanks yes I have friends who do AlAnon as well I'll check in and see if there are any meetings this weekend. I have plenty of meetings of my own to attend. I think the innate meanness here is coming from people who may possibly have their own addiction issues, like my ex. Plenty of us are high functioning high earning addicts. It took me a long time to accept that a big paycheck, bank account and nice house didn't mean I didn't have to face my own substance abuse....

No one here has been mean to you, OP. Not one person. You have gotten some real talk, some blunt comments but not one person has been mean. Rather than adopting that victimhood mentality consider the fact that no one just validated your feelings should tell you that your feelings really aren’t valid.

Calling your ex a “monster” and accusing people who don’t automatically validate you addicts isn’t going to do much to invite empathy. It just reflects poorly on you.

[Anonymous]

This poor child had zero chances of skipping this issue w two parents who were substance users.

I’d see if she were open to rehab. This is def going to happen again.
However, she’s an adult and ultimately has to make that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As if my nightmare divorce couldn't get any worse. Adult dd lives in another state where my ex happened to be traveling on business. She ended up in hospital - they gave her Narcan and she's ok. She phoned me early in the morning yesterday and I was ready to fly out to be with her and offer support.

Full disclosure I am in recovery for substance abuse and have been sober for several years. My ex filed for divorce after I got sober. He has his own substance abuse issues that he won't acknowledge and I think my sobriety holds a mirror up to his own substance abuse issues that he prefers to ignore.

I didn't want to fly out to force her into rehab but I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use and just be with her for a few days. I was going to stay at a local hotel.

When she told me her father happened to be in town and was coming to get her my heart sank because I knew, correctly, that he would convince her NOT to speak to me.

I tried to reach her all day yesterday but she wouldn't respond to texts or pick up the phone. Finally in the evening she answered and told me not to bother coming out, that she was fine, that the whole thing was just a silly accident that could have happened to anyone and that she is fine.

I'm in a nightmare state right now where she is now with the one person who won't take this seriously. "Kids do stupid things. She's fine."

I'm just throwing this out to the universe. I texted him last night and said "regardless of the situation between us we need to have a conversation about our child and I need to be kept in the loop." Radio silence from him.

I feel completely powerless over this whole situation. She is young and I don't think she understands that this episode could have killed her, and the messaging from her father is "you're fine! don't worry about the ER bills!"

Anyone have any suggestions for how to navigate this $hit $how? I'm really worried about her and I'm furious with him for minimizing what just happened and being so caught up in his hatred of me that he can't even have a discussion about how we as parents should try to support her.

That's all. Happy Saturday.

If you haven’t spoken with either your daughter or your ex, how do you know with certainty that any of this actually happened the way you described it????

Honestly, it sounds like you’re so caught up in your hatred of him that you are spiralling and not thinking straight. The focus should be on helping your daughter if and when she asks for help.

I don’t even know that picking up and flying to see her, an adult, without her asking is the appropriate response, but I’m no expert.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have a lot you are working on and going through. And clearly your DD does too. You must know how this goes regardless if you or your ex-DH are with her or talking to her. A few more ODs and if she survives she will be ready to try rehab for the first time. Just be supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP, just a few words from my experience as mother who’s fighting for my child against alcohol and drugs.
1. You can’t help with these issues remotely. Or just by talking over the phone. You actually need to live near your child, raid their apartment, limit social interactions with other users, take them out on travel, look for jobs with them, take them to massage, sports and meditation. Drug abuse comes from them having emptiness in other areas so you would need to take initiative helping them re-integrate themselves into healthy life.
2. There are options before the rehab comes into play. I would try from zoom consultations with a psychologist who is very much “anti drugs”. Minimizing drugs even THC made many kids addicted. There is a huge mass addiction problem in the US (over 30 million users, 80% become heavily addicted) because of highly permissive posture that medical professions and insurance companies have right now.
Try to talk your daughter into “family therapy” under a pretext of rebuilding your communication. Speak with psychologists ahead of time what you want from them , before they talk to daughter
Next option is a part time outpatient program where they would work on underlying issues behind the drug use. My child had PTSD after their father abuse and divorce

I believe a family member can pull a drug addict out of it, but it will take 100% of your time and resources for the next few years. I had to move next to my child’s college town.

Can you do that ??

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]As if my nightmare divorce couldn't get any worse. Adult dd lives in another state where my ex happened to be traveling on business. She ended up in hospital - they gave her Narcan and she's ok. She phoned me early in the morning yesterday and I was ready to fly out to be with her and offer support.

Full disclosure I am in recovery for substance abuse and have been sober for several years. My ex filed for divorce after I got sober. He has his own substance abuse issues that he won't acknowledge and I think my sobriety holds a mirror up to his own substance abuse issues that he prefers to ignore.

I didn't want to fly out to force her into rehab but I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use and just be with her for a few days. I was going to stay at a local hotel.

When she told me her father happened to be in town and was coming to get her my heart sank because I knew, correctly, that he would convince her NOT to speak to me.

I tried to reach her all day yesterday but she wouldn't respond to texts or pick up the phone. Finally in the evening she answered and told me not to bother coming out, that she was fine, that the whole thing was just a silly accident that could have happened to anyone and that she is fine.

I'm in a nightmare state right now where she is now with the one person who won't take this seriously. "Kids do stupid things. She's fine."

I'm just throwing this out to the universe. I texted him last night and said "regardless of the situation between us we need to have a conversation about our child and I need to be kept in the loop." Radio silence from him.

I feel completely powerless over this whole situation. She is young and I don't think she understands that this episode could have killed her, and the messaging from her father is "you're fine! don't worry about the ER bills!"

Anyone have any suggestions for how to navigate this $hit $how? I'm really worried about her and I'm furious with him for minimizing what just happened and being so caught up in his hatred of me that he can't even have a discussion about how we as parents should try to support her.

That's all. Happy Saturday.

OP, please consider. You posted this in the Relationship Forum, not the Adult Children forum. Look at all the parts in your OP that I bolded.
STOP obsessing about your ex. You don't have to co-parent with him. If in fact he is an addict, you don't have to live with that or the impact of that.
You need to focus on only 2 things:
1. Your recovery
2. The best way you can support your LEGAL ADULT daughter, as she make her own independent, adult decisions.
Meanwhie, Stop focusing on Ex. What's the point of divorcing if your letting him be such a huge part of your brain?
As others have pointed out, as someone in recovery, you should be intimately familiar with the Serenity Prayer. Implement it.

[Anonymous]

Enought with the stories and if this is real, get on a plane and deal with it. Stop expecting your ex to care for it. You created this.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your sponsor.
Go to a meeting.
If you don't have a sponsor find a meeting and go asap.