Adult daughter overdosed - she's ok but ex-dh refuses to give me updates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

JFC. I never said I wanted to go see her to talk about her f%^ing substance abuse. I know better than that. But she needs parental support. She's getting it, unfortunately from the enabler.

In your OP you literally said you wanted to talk to her about her substance abuse. Honestly, your reactions here make me question how much of a support you can actually be for her. You're angry and don't want to listen to anyone who thinks differently than you.

[Anonymous]

I can see why she doesn't want you involved. And it has nothing to do with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Unless you can help with something tangible and have thousands of dollars for that and a lot of free time - you can’t help.

It’s very difficult and expensive to try saving your child from drugs. My child is in recovery now but I had to take 3 years to be with them 24-7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry you are going through this and all these perfect parents are giving you a hard time about this.

I have a child in recovery and understand a lot of what you are talking about. As you know, unless she wants to get sober, nothing you do will change her mind. Make sure you take care of yourself and i hope things turn out for the best.

Thank you so much for this. This is really all I wanted to hear. Substance abuse is very, very triggering and let's be honest....there are a lot of people on this board with their own substance issues. I understand completely that telling someone to get help/forcing them to get help is very, very rarely the solution nor is it typically a good idea. Just wanted an outlet to dump and your kind response is much appreciated.

Talking on the forum about helpful your daughter or talking to her over the phone won’t help.

Get on a plane, rent an apartment near your daughter, start interviewing addiction specialists to get a direction, plan joint time with daughter

These things will help . And no, very often addicted patients are not realizing where they are and they are unable to seek help or quit on their own, her being an adult complicates it. They need an external push - a very caring relative usually - to get out.

If she’s willing to accept some help, you’ll be able gradually increase your inference over her life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As if my nightmare divorce couldn't get any worse. Adult dd lives in another state where my ex happened to be traveling on business. She ended up in hospital - they gave her Narcan and she's ok. She phoned me early in the morning yesterday and I was ready to fly out to be with her and offer support.

Full disclosure I am in recovery for substance abuse and have been sober for several years. My ex filed for divorce after I got sober. He has his own substance abuse issues that he won't acknowledge and I think my sobriety holds a mirror up to his own substance abuse issues that he prefers to ignore.

I didn't want to fly out to force her into rehab but I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use and just be with her for a few days. I was going to stay at a local hotel.

When she told me her father happened to be in town and was coming to get her my heart sank because I knew, correctly, that he would convince her NOT to speak to me.

I tried to reach her all day yesterday but she wouldn't respond to texts or pick up the phone. Finally in the evening she answered and told me not to bother coming out, that she was fine, that the whole thing was just a silly accident that could have happened to anyone and that she is fine.

I'm in a nightmare state right now where she is now with the one person who won't take this seriously. "Kids do stupid things. She's fine."

I'm just throwing this out to the universe. I texted him last night and said "regardless of the situation between us we need to have a conversation about our child and I need to be kept in the loop." Radio silence from him.

I feel completely powerless over this whole situation. She is young and I don't think she understands that this episode could have killed her, and the messaging from her father is "you're fine! don't worry about the ER bills!"

Anyone have any suggestions for how to navigate this $hit $how? I'm really worried about her and I'm furious with him for minimizing what just happened and being so caught up in his hatred of me that he can't even have a discussion about how we as parents should try to support her.

That's all. Happy Saturday.

Your daughter is an adult and he is your EX husband dummy.

No one owes you anything. It’s your fault your daughter is like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As if my nightmare divorce couldn't get any worse. Adult dd lives in another state where my ex happened to be traveling on business. She ended up in hospital - they gave her Narcan and she's ok. She phoned me early in the morning yesterday and I was ready to fly out to be with her and offer support.

Full disclosure I am in recovery for substance abuse and have been sober for several years. My ex filed for divorce after I got sober. He has his own substance abuse issues that he won't acknowledge and I think my sobriety holds a mirror up to his own substance abuse issues that he prefers to ignore.

I didn't want to fly out to force her into rehab but I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use and just be with her for a few days. I was going to stay at a local hotel.

When she told me her father happened to be in town and was coming to get her my heart sank because I knew, correctly, that he would convince her NOT to speak to me.

I tried to reach her all day yesterday but she wouldn't respond to texts or pick up the phone. Finally in the evening she answered and told me not to bother coming out, that she was fine, that the whole thing was just a silly accident that could have happened to anyone and that she is fine.

I'm in a nightmare state right now where she is now with the one person who won't take this seriously. "Kids do stupid things. She's fine."

I'm just throwing this out to the universe. I texted him last night and said "regardless of the situation between us we need to have a conversation about our child and I need to be kept in the loop." Radio silence from him.

I feel completely powerless over this whole situation. She is young and I don't think she understands that this episode could have killed her, and the messaging from her father is "you're fine! don't worry about the ER bills!"

Anyone have any suggestions for how to navigate this $hit $how? I'm really worried about her and I'm furious with him for minimizing what just happened and being so caught up in his hatred of me that he can't even have a discussion about how we as parents should try to support her.

That's all. Happy Saturday.

I'm sorry OP..I'm divorced and my ex cheated on me twice. And I absolutely hate her. However, because we share a child together when it comes to co-parenting we are doing really well. Incant image something like this happening and my ex doesn't hear for me within a second. She will be the first one I will rush to reach.

[Anonymous]

how many of the people posting on here actually have a kid who is in recovery or been through any of this? It's so easy to throw comments from the sidelines and I hope none of you ever have to deal with it but when and if you do you will realize your life gets turned upside down and there isn't much support because everyone thinks it's going to be someone else's kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One parent at the time. Don't pile on. You already told her you'd be there for her. She has your number.
I'm sure she want dad to get lost also.
And what's with the extremes? From being addicted yourself to calling her several times, and even making ex out to be a bad guy.
She needs time to think about things.

NP but why are PPs criticizing a mother who “calls her daughter several times” after a drug overdose? And chastising her because she didn’t just “text her in a week?” What the ever loving F.

Yes, OP’s daughter is an adult and in charge of her own recovery, and yes OP has zero control in this situation. But reaching out by phone to her out-of-state daughter who was just hospitalized is not over-bearing or unreasonable.

OP, it is true that all you can do is share your concern for her well-being and let her know you are there for her, and will support her recovery. And just stay connected in a loving way. And yes - get to Al-Anon to deal with your own understandable worry and fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how many of the people posting on here actually have a kid who is in recovery or been through any of this? It's so easy to throw comments from the sidelines and I hope none of you ever have to deal with it but when and if you do you will realize your life gets turned upside down and there isn't much support because everyone thinks it's going to be someone else's kid

Yes it’s life changing. Either OP wants and can afford changing her life to save her child at the expense of her career, dating, time and possibly delayed retirement, or she just needs to accept that she can’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One parent at the time. Don't pile on. You already told her you'd be there for her. She has your number.
I'm sure she want dad to get lost also.
And what's with the extremes? From being addicted yourself to calling her several times, and even making ex out to be a bad guy.
She needs time to think about things.

NP but why are PPs criticizing a mother who “calls her daughter several times” after a drug overdose? And chastising her because she didn’t just “text her in a week?” What the ever loving F.

Yes, OP’s daughter is an adult and in charge of her own recovery, and yes OP has zero control in this situation. But reaching out by phone to her out-of-state daughter who was just hospitalized is not over-bearing or unreasonable.

OP, it is true that all you can do is share your concern for her well-being and let her know you are there for her, and will support her recovery. And just stay connected in a loving way. And yes - get to Al-Anon to deal with your own understandable worry and fear.

I disagree that OPs daughter is a in charge of her recovery. Drug addicts remain addicted because they loose tough with reality and won’t seek help on their own. She has limited cognitive and functional ability at the moment. She needs a caregiver who can give her the direction.

Stop minimizing addiction and deferring it to addicts free will. Many former addicts would tell you that an external push - parent, mentor, romantic partner- was crucial for recovery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems you are addicted to the drama with your ex. You should be concentrating your energy on helping your DD who grew up with two addicts for parents. This should, for once, be about her - not you, your ex or your dysfunctional relationship.

This

And ever post here is helping feed that addiction.

[Anonymous]

OP I am very sorry for all you are going through right now (❤️‍🩹) but am so glad that your precious daughter is okay now.

Your ex-husband sounds like such a jerk…..
You may likely have to wait until he leaves her & returns home before you can talk to your daughter ALONE.

Hope you get the opportunity to do so very soon.
In the meantime: hugs 🤗