Adult daughter overdosed - she's ok but ex-dh refuses to give me updates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’m sorry for the meanness you’re finding here. I hope your daughter will be okay.

I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, but I think there are groups that might have experience with what you’re going through, that can offer you advice and support. You probably know more about such programs than I do, but this might be a starting point.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nar-Anon

Thanks yes I have friends who do AlAnon as well I'll check in and see if there are any meetings this weekend. I have plenty of meetings of my own to attend. I think the innate meanness here is coming from people who may possibly have their own addiction issues, like my ex. Plenty of us are high functioning high earning addicts. It took me a long time to accept that a big paycheck, bank account and nice house didn't mean I didn't have to face my own substance abuse....

You can find Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings online today. Start there. Where is your sponsor in this story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

If this is not trolling, you need to address your feelings in a more effective way than posting on a website. You are fixated and yet you admit you have no control over him. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

OP read this carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so impressed that someone who parented with a substance problem can get sober and yet still cast themselves as the saintly martyr in a story about your child ODing and not wanting to talk to you.

Your ex may suck. Your kid might be able to get help but it probably won’t be from you or him so make sure she knows what support you’re offering and that you love her and then stay out of it.

This parent is took an active role on overcoming this. Having an addiction doesn’t preclude her trying to do the right thing for her daughter. Let me tell you something sweet pea, you have no hope for recovery from your addiction to making someone who already feels horrible, feel worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so impressed that someone who parented with a substance problem can get sober and yet still cast themselves as the saintly martyr in a story about your child ODing and not wanting to talk to you.

Your ex may suck. Your kid might be able to get help but it probably won’t be from you or him so make sure she knows what support you’re offering and that you love her and then stay out of it.

This parent is took an active role on overcoming this. Having an addiction doesn’t preclude her trying to do the right thing for her daughter. Let me tell you something sweet pea, you have no hope for recovery from your addiction to making someone who already feels horrible, feel worse.

Why assume any poster but OP is an addict?

Is this a troll now playing victim?

If you are real, OP, get to some meetings.

[Anonymous]

Your thought patterns suggest you have a lot more recovery work to do OP. Focus on that. You are the only one you can control after all.

If you are not a troll, why are you not at a Zoom Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting?

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

You seem very stuck in thinking you know everything about this person’s situation and you don’t know Jack diddly.
I just think you’re being unnecessarily harsh. And you really don’t know the entire situation.

OP read this carefully.

[Anonymous]

i'm sorry you are going through this and all these perfect parents are giving you a hard time about this.

I have a child in recovery and understand a lot of what you are talking about. As you know, unless she wants to get sober, nothing you do will change her mind. Make sure you take care of yourself and i hope things turn out for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more info here.

Is this a scenario where you are in recovery from opiods and that's what she od-ed on, and you are saying your DH may drink too much?

Or are you saying you are all three in recovery from the same thing?

The specifics really matter here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Ex is an active alcoholic. Our kid used opioids. I've been in recovery long enough that I know several kids who died in the last few years after relapsing - some from alcohol, some from cross addictions. And I know many more young people who are doing great in sobriety. I would like to gently encourage her to find a program or therapy that will help her address the underlying issues that lead to substance abuse. Her father would rather ignore. And I know from the active addict perspective that you ALWAYS want to go in the direction of the people telling you it's not so bad. It took a low bottom for me to get sober. I can't force any of this on her. I just hope the next call isn't going to be the hospital asking me to come pick up her body. Which, of course, I did NOT say to her, but that is the reality of addiction especially when you get to the point of overdosing.

Oh...so what did you expect will happen with this history of addiction and socializing your kids into an addict lifestyle? What do you envision the future will bring for all three of you?

You can't plant a thorny acacia tree and expect to be eating sweet mangoes. You are reaping exactly what you sowed. Go to AA and find help from professionals. Or chatGPT. Don't be crowdsourcing this on DCUM.

Asking here is much better than freaking AI.

Ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

JFC. I never said I wanted to go see her to talk about her f%^ing substance abuse. I know better than that. But she needs parental support. She's getting it, unfortunately from the enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry you are going through this and all these perfect parents are giving you a hard time about this.

I have a child in recovery and understand a lot of what you are talking about. As you know, unless she wants to get sober, nothing you do will change her mind. Make sure you take care of yourself and i hope things turn out for the best.

Thank you so much for this. This is really all I wanted to hear. Substance abuse is very, very triggering and let's be honest....there are a lot of people on this board with their own substance issues. I understand completely that telling someone to get help/forcing them to get help is very, very rarely the solution nor is it typically a good idea. Just wanted an outlet to dump and your kind response is much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think that is appropriate or constructive behavior on your part, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is harsh but sometimes it's easier to get clean WITHOUT parental involvement if your parents are themselves addicts or recovering addicts.

Agree. Also, the daughter already knows the dangers of drugs and alcohol having grown up with parents who are addicts or in recovery.

Yes plus the op and ex husband hate each other. She doesn’t need to be in front of two fighting addicts. It won’t help. She likely needs to get professional help, away from her parents.

I begged my ex when we separated NOT to go to war and to work it out amicably, that we are both still her parents and while we might not be right for each other we still share parenting. The divorce was his idea AND he went to scorched earth. So I'm sick of his BS. I have taken the high road for a very long time. Every time I think he has no bottom he finds another one. I asked that we maintain some family traditions around the holidays and be civil towards each other at a minimum. He is incapable. So now, yeah I'm really pissed.

Op, you are contributing to this toxic environment for your daughter. You've somehow turned her OD into being about you and your feelings for your ex. You need to be able to put all that hatred aside for your daughter. Also, as a recovering alcoholic, you must know that your plan to fly down and convince her to go to rehab isn't based in reality. She needs to WANt to get better. The hospital will be giving her info on rehab and sobriety. Blaming your ex for the fact that she's not ready and doesn't want to deal with you flying down and NOT just providing support and love is not productive. It's toxic for your daughter. I know it's hard accepting some fault in these situations but please actually listen to what multiple people are saying.

My plan was absolutely NOT to fly to see her and get her into rehab. It was to spend a few days with her after a traumatic experience and take care of her. Please keep up.

This is not an appropriate time to talk about her substance use with her. That's NOT offering her support. You seem very stuck in this mindset of "I'm right, everyone is wrong, I'm being treated poorly". Knock it off. I keep medical stuff from my mom because she has no ability to not make things about her. She stresses me out more than my cancer scare did. Stop blaming your ex. She's an adult. She knows you're going to create a stressful situation if you visit. Maybe reflect on that.

JFC. I never said I wanted to go see her to talk about her f%^ing substance abuse. I know better than that. But she needs parental support. She's getting it, unfortunately from the enabler.

Yes, you did.

“ I do want to have a conversation with her in person about her substance use”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry you are going through this and all these perfect parents are giving you a hard time about this.

I have a child in recovery and understand a lot of what you are talking about. As you know, unless she wants to get sober, nothing you do will change her mind. Make sure you take care of yourself and i hope things turn out for the best.

Thank you so much for this. This is really all I wanted to hear. Substance abuse is very, very triggering and let's be honest....there are a lot of people on this board with their own substance issues. I understand completely that telling someone to get help/forcing them to get help is very, very rarely the solution nor is it typically a good idea. Just wanted an outlet to dump and your kind response is much appreciated.

Sweetie, no. It’s comments like this that destroy your credibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry you are going through this and all these perfect parents are giving you a hard time about this.

I have a child in recovery and understand a lot of what you are talking about. As you know, unless she wants to get sober, nothing you do will change her mind. Make sure you take care of yourself and i hope things turn out for the best.

Thank you so much for this. This is really all I wanted to hear. Substance abuse is very, very triggering and let's be honest....there are a lot of people on this board with their own substance issues. I understand completely that telling someone to get help/forcing them to get help is very, very rarely the solution nor is it typically a good idea. Just wanted an outlet to dump and your kind response is much appreciated.

Sweetie, no. It’s comments like this that destroy your credibility.

I rest my case.