WWYD? Elderly parents out of state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Oh my gosh, your mom is fine. I don't doubt your sister helps a lot as the local child, but if your mom is in independent living with 24/7 home health aides (managed by you, from your prior posts), I have no idea what everyone is complaining about. Your sister moved home and got help with her kids. Sounds like it's time to pay the piper.

[Anonymous]

My father is much easier (as much as an 80yp can be) but we divide and conquer with my sibling. He foots the bill and I take care of things on the ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

I'm the PP. This makes everything very different. Your mother is a pill, and your sister is overwhelmed with life. (Being on the ground really is crazy-making, and I'm sure she isn't thinking clearly. She's angry and hates the situation she has gotten herself into, and probably taking it out on you and those around her.) This isn't your fault. You are handling the aides. And while this is a lot of work, only you know how hard the juggling is.

I think it's easier said than done to cut them off. I think you want it to be better, hence looking for ideas. A thought: What about sending your sister something that she would like and might not buy for herself, or for her family. Just a: Thinking of you and appreciate all you're doing.

You could even send your mom something that she can show off to the other residents.

Plenty of people will say drop the rope, cut them off, establish boundaries. And it's not that they are wrong. But it takes a certain kind of personality to be able to do that.

I'm just trying to come up with ideas that I think would resonate with your sister and mother, given that you don't want to blow up the relationship.

Big Hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

OMG OP you are SO clueless. No wonder your sister is pissed at you.

So, first of all - "groceries are delivered by Instacart"? Who figures out what food to order? Your sister, I bet. Who figures out meal planning? Who order those groceries? Your sister, I bet. Who calls the aide and says "Hi, the groceries were delivered, please bring them in a put them in and put them away." Your sister, I bet.

If your sister is doing this, you could take over. You will have to communicate with the caregivers about meals, what is going bad, what is not, make sure they bring in the groceries promptly. And you can't trust most caregivers to throw out bad food, so your sister likely still needs to go over and toss the old food.

And just because she has aides does NOT mean she doesn't need day to day care. These aides are often not that great and they need oversight and instruction. Otherwise your mom may wind up dehydrated because they aren't giving her enough fluids. Or with bed sores because she is sitting or lying in one position too much. Or with a UTI because they don't change her diaper enough or take her to the bathroom enough.

God. You are clueless. Just keep telling yourself that there isn't day to day care.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your sister say about you arranging and managing aides? Does she find that helpful? It’s hard for to me imagine as the local kid, because when I am juggling life, several children, elders, I need to be in control of the schedule. If that is truly working for you and your sister, great. If she isn’t expressing that it’s working I would ask.

Sister has to be the eyes on the aides and services. It’s a different kind of caretaking but it’s still a lot, and although you seem to be the main target, I’m guessing sister catches some ire too.

I think all you can do is try to improve communication with your sister and maybe seek some therapy for yourself. It’s a painful spot that you are navigating and some support might bring you some peace and clarity. Finally, if mom can afford 24/7 aides she can probably afford a care manager. Maybe sister would be open to that, which would actually remove significant time and mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

OMG OP you are SO clueless. No wonder your sister is pissed at you.

So, first of all - "groceries are delivered by Instacart"? Who figures out what food to order? Your sister, I bet. Who figures out meal planning? Who order those groceries? Your sister, I bet. Who calls the aide and says "Hi, the groceries were delivered, please bring them in a put them in and put them away." Your sister, I bet.

If your sister is doing this, you could take over. You will have to communicate with the caregivers about meals, what is going bad, what is not, make sure they bring in the groceries promptly. And you can't trust most caregivers to throw out bad food, so your sister likely still needs to go over and toss the old food.

And just because she has aides does NOT mean she doesn't need day to day care. These aides are often not that great and they need oversight and instruction. Otherwise your mom may wind up dehydrated because they aren't giving her enough fluids. Or with bed sores because she is sitting or lying in one position too much. Or with a UTI because they don't change her diaper enough or take her to the bathroom enough.

God. You are clueless. Just keep telling yourself that there isn't day to day care.

The PP 's rant aside, if the sister is meal planning and ordering from Instacart, this is actually something OP could take over remotely, as she has offered to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your sister say about you arranging and managing aides? Does she find that helpful? It’s hard for to me imagine as the local kid, because when I am juggling life, several children, elders, I need to be in control of the schedule. If that is truly working for you and your sister, great. If she isn’t expressing that it’s working I would ask.

Sister has to be the eyes on the aides and services. It’s a different kind of caretaking but it’s still a lot, and although you seem to be the main target, I’m guessing sister catches some ire too.

I think all you can do is try to improve communication with your sister and maybe seek some therapy for yourself. It’s a painful spot that you are navigating and some support might bring you some peace and clarity. Finally, if mom can afford 24/7 aides she can probably afford a care manager. Maybe sister would be open to that, which would actually remove significant time and mental load.

+1, and the highlighted is especially good advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

NP. I can so relate to everything you have written, OP, particularly that last paragraph. OP, do you know about narcissistic mothers, the golden child, and the scapegoat child? Reading about it is helping me make peace with my situation where my local martyr sibling is lauded, and I am criticized for everything including living in DC and not nearby (it's not even that far, about 3 hours driving). The behavior tends to escalate as the narcissistic mother ages and declines, which has been my experience, and, as you said in your last sentence, we are grieving not only for the upcoming loss of our mothers, but also for the mothers and maternal relationships we never had. It is still hard, nearly impossible, to handle having my mother take all of her anxiety and fears out on me, but it helps a bit to realize it's not me, it's her (and, really, them, since my sibling is so enmeshed). Nothing I do will ever be enough or good enough. Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

OMG OP you are SO clueless. No wonder your sister is pissed at you.

So, first of all - "groceries are delivered by Instacart"? Who figures out what food to order? Your sister, I bet. Who figures out meal planning? Who order those groceries? Your sister, I bet. Who calls the aide and says "Hi, the groceries were delivered, please bring them in a put them in and put them away." Your sister, I bet.

If your sister is doing this, you could take over. You will have to communicate with the caregivers about meals, what is going bad, what is not, make sure they bring in the groceries promptly. And you can't trust most caregivers to throw out bad food, so your sister likely still needs to go over and toss the old food.

And just because she has aides does NOT mean she doesn't need day to day care. These aides are often not that great and they need oversight and instruction. Otherwise your mom may wind up dehydrated because they aren't giving her enough fluids. Or with bed sores because she is sitting or lying in one position too much. Or with a UTI because they don't change her diaper enough or take her to the bathroom enough.

God. You are clueless. Just keep telling yourself that there isn't day to day care.

The person who makes assumptions is an idiot. Sounds like you have some personal baggage to upack.

My mother isn't bed bound. She walks with a walker. She's able to tell the aide that she needs help when she does. All of this is the situation now, and we will address it when it changes.

Mom is on Netflix and her ipad all day long. She posts on Facebook. She prefers to order her own groceries - they are mainly snacks, desserts, drinks, Panera soups and paper goods. The meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner - are selected from a provided daily menu from the independent living facility. The aide goes and picks them up from the restaurant in the facility throughout the day. No one is meal planning. The groceries are delivered to the apartment door. The aide puts them away. We've never had a problem with bad food in the fridge. I don't think you read my earlier post about this not being a typical situation.

My Mom has been happy with the aides - apart from a few personality conflicts I dealt with. This is the set-up she asked for as she doesn't want to go into assisted living and wants care to come to her in her own space. The aides also take care of her little dog so she is able to keep her with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your sister say about you arranging and managing aides? Does she find that helpful? It’s hard for to me imagine as the local kid, because when I am juggling life, several children, elders, I need to be in control of the schedule. If that is truly working for you and your sister, great. If she isn’t expressing that it’s working I would ask.

Sister has to be the eyes on the aides and services. It’s a different kind of caretaking but it’s still a lot, and although you seem to be the main target, I’m guessing sister catches some ire too.

I think all you can do is try to improve communication with your sister and maybe seek some therapy for yourself. It’s a painful spot that you are navigating and some support might bring you some peace and clarity. Finally, if mom can afford 24/7 aides she can probably afford a care manager. Maybe sister would be open to that, which would actually remove significant time and mental load.

Under normal situations, my sister stops in a couple times a week to bring in the mail, grab the bills that need to be paid and check on my Mom. Today she is taking Mom to an appointment for some tests.

She wants me to manage the aides so she doesn't have to. As long as we have the schedule fully covered - which we have been able to do - my sister is happy with it. We have a 12-hour daytime shift person and a 12-hour overnight person daily. This schedule has been going on for several months as we had to increase the hours of the aides last year as my Mom's needs changed.

Yes - my sister definitely catches it from Mom on the regular. My Mom is difficult with everyone. However my Mom also is very aware she needs my sister and holds back more because she doesn't want her to stop being there for her. I'm fair game.

I do have therapy for myself.

I can ask my sister about a care manager. I know she's cautious about conserving Mom's money for her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your sister say about you arranging and managing aides? Does she find that helpful? It’s hard for to me imagine as the local kid, because when I am juggling life, several children, elders, I need to be in control of the schedule. If that is truly working for you and your sister, great. If she isn’t expressing that it’s working I would ask.

Sister has to be the eyes on the aides and services. It’s a different kind of caretaking but it’s still a lot, and although you seem to be the main target, I’m guessing sister catches some ire too.

I think all you can do is try to improve communication with your sister and maybe seek some therapy for yourself. It’s a painful spot that you are navigating and some support might bring you some peace and clarity. Finally, if mom can afford 24/7 aides she can probably afford a care manager. Maybe sister would be open to that, which would actually remove significant time and mental load.

Under normal situations, my sister stops in a couple times a week to bring in the mail, grab the bills that need to be paid and check on my Mom. Today she is taking Mom to an appointment for some tests.

She wants me to manage the aides so she doesn't have to. As long as we have the schedule fully covered - which we have been able to do - my sister is happy with it. We have a 12-hour daytime shift person and a 12-hour overnight person daily. This schedule has been going on for several months as we had to increase the hours of the aides last year as my Mom's needs changed.

Yes - my sister definitely catches it from Mom on the regular. My Mom is difficult with everyone. However my Mom also is very aware she needs my sister and holds back more because she doesn't want her to stop being there for her. I'm fair game.

I do have therapy for myself.

I can ask my sister about a care manager. I know she's cautious about conserving Mom's money for her care.

I really feel for you and your sister, OP. I hope you can find a way to a less stressful place for both of you.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to throw money at your problem, YOU can tell sis you are hiring a local care manger who will oversee and coordinate [whatever it is you are doing or supposed to do]. No skin off her teeth cuz it's not her or mum's money, hon.
Ask if there is anything you can add and pay for.
Then do it.
That's what I did. Saved my life.

[Anonymous]

With the added information, this really seems like a tempest in a teapot.

My in-laws have a similar set-up and there is no caregiving drama whatsoever. The local sibling does the face-to-face appointments and oversees the aides, and the remote sibling manages finances and since they're a doctor, keeps and eye on medical reports, changes in prescriptions, new symptoms, etc.

The only reason everyone is in a tizzy here is that the protagonists involved are highly dramatic and operate on a hair trigger.

You'll never change your mother and sister, OP, but you can change yourself and how you react to things. Do not panic and rush to fix things when your mother complains. Do not let either get to you with their irrational accusations of you. They're totally out of line.
I wouldn't contact your mother at all. What's the point??? You can contact your sister more often, and make her feel heard and supported. Does she like spas? Would she have time for something like that? Give her self-care stuff FOR HERSELF, since she's made clear that any help you offer regarding your mother will get you pilloried.