WWYD? Elderly parents out of state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

This is all expected, OP. Of course she comes after you, who else? People like this are afraid of dying, really really afraid, and they lash out. Seriously, like PP says, you don't need to contact her at all. Just fall off the Earth. Communicate with your sister and the agency. The more empathetic you get, the more monstrous she'll be. She'll try to get any energy out of you as she doesn't have any. It's her survival mechanism. The only thing I am surprised about is that you still have not grieved, most people, me included, already came to terms with our horrible mothers and there's nothing my mom can do that would faze me at this point. The only way to get there is to communicate as little as possible, preferably not at all. Your neurological system is on high alert and every time you hear from her and she lashes out, you get another hit. Your mom will be happy to do this as long as you let her.

[Anonymous]

There are stories on Reddit in the narc parents forum where the adult child goes to see their narc parent on their death bed after being summoned, then the parent lashes out, sucking out all the energy in the room, leaving the adult child completely shattered and in pieces. Cue the narc parent lives for another 5 years!

[Anonymous]

Not to derail, but what does the Ind. Living "facility" supply if it's not staffed? Just meals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

OMG OP you are SO clueless. No wonder your sister is pissed at you.

So, first of all - "groceries are delivered by Instacart"? Who figures out what food to order? Your sister, I bet. Who figures out meal planning? Who order those groceries? Your sister, I bet. Who calls the aide and says "Hi, the groceries were delivered, please bring them in a put them in and put them away." Your sister, I bet.

If your sister is doing this, you could take over. You will have to communicate with the caregivers about meals, what is going bad, what is not, make sure they bring in the groceries promptly. And you can't trust most caregivers to throw out bad food, so your sister likely still needs to go over and toss the old food.

And just because she has aides does NOT mean she doesn't need day to day care. These aides are often not that great and they need oversight and instruction. Otherwise your mom may wind up dehydrated because they aren't giving her enough fluids. Or with bed sores because she is sitting or lying in one position too much. Or with a UTI because they don't change her diaper enough or take her to the bathroom enough.

God. You are clueless. Just keep telling yourself that there isn't day to day care.

The person who makes assumptions is an idiot. Sounds like you have some personal baggage to upack.

My mother isn't bed bound. She walks with a walker. She's able to tell the aide that she needs help when she does. All of this is the situation now, and we will address it when it changes.

Mom is on Netflix and her ipad all day long. She posts on Facebook. She prefers to order her own groceries - they are mainly snacks, desserts, drinks, Panera soups and paper goods. The meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner - are selected from a provided daily menu from the independent living facility. The aide goes and picks them up from the restaurant in the facility throughout the day. No one is meal planning. The groceries are delivered to the apartment door. The aide puts them away. We've never had a problem with bad food in the fridge. I don't think you read my earlier post about this not being a typical situation.

My Mom has been happy with the aides - apart from a few personality conflicts I dealt with. This is the set-up she asked for as she doesn't want to go into assisted living and wants care to come to her in her own space. The aides also take care of her little dog so she is able to keep her with her.

I realize I am not adding anything of value here but had to share how much the "Panera soups" mention made me laugh!
My mom is in FL, no mobility so house-bound and all the things that come with that. She LOVES her Panera soups! As does her partner and friends in the community. Note to self: give Panera soups a try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

This is all expected, OP. Of course she comes after you, who else? People like this are afraid of dying, really really afraid, and they lash out. Seriously, like PP says, you don't need to contact her at all. Just fall off the Earth. Communicate with your sister and the agency. The more empathetic you get, the more monstrous she'll be. She'll try to get any energy out of you as she doesn't have any. It's her survival mechanism. The only thing I am surprised about is that you still have not grieved, most people, me included, already came to terms with our horrible mothers and there's nothing my mom can do that would faze me at this point. The only way to get there is to communicate as little as possible, preferably not at all. Your neurological system is on high alert and every time you hear from her and she lashes out, you get another hit. Your mom will be happy to do this as long as you let her.

+10000 I am the PP who hired a care manager. Before we did, I used to curl on the floor screaming every time mom called and I heard her voice on the answering machine screeching "pick up"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

This is all expected, OP. Of course she comes after you, who else? People like this are afraid of dying, really really afraid, and they lash out. Seriously, like PP says, you don't need to contact her at all. Just fall off the Earth. Communicate with your sister and the agency. The more empathetic you get, the more monstrous she'll be. She'll try to get any energy out of you as she doesn't have any. It's her survival mechanism. The only thing I am surprised about is that you still have not grieved, most people, me included, already came to terms with our horrible mothers and there's nothing my mom can do that would faze me at this point. The only way to get there is to communicate as little as possible, preferably not at all. Your neurological system is on high alert and every time you hear from her and she lashes out, you get another hit. Your mom will be happy to do this as long as you let her.

+10000 I am the PP who hired a care manager. Before we did, I used to curl on the floor screaming every time mom called and I heard her voice on the answering machine screeching "pick up"

+10000 I used to be wet with sweat before doing my obligatory weekly calls, looking pale as a ghost. I'm an educated professional, I have done college level teaching in front of hundreds of people. It's fascinating what these monsters can do to us. I eventually ended up in an ER with a racing heart, this was my wake-up call.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add that these were video calls, so the first thing she always said was "You look horrible! Look how pretty I am!". I can now actually laugh about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to add that these were video calls, so the first thing she always said was "You look horrible! Look how pretty I am!". I can now actually laugh about this!

💔

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this. I learned to detach with therapy. I moved away from phone calls because it took me time to recover from them. I send cards with well wishes and email only where I can keep things polite and ignore jabs.

If she has money, suggest to your sister hiring a geriatric case manager as other person mentioned. If there isn't money, I would offer to look into the options within mom's budget or if you have a lot of money offer to pay for it. Your sister can decline and that's on her.

My mother lives to suck people into her drama with guilt trips and any manipulation she can think of. It got worse with age. It is painful, but I had to detach and outsource to get back my will to live and to be able to focus on my spouse and kids and our own life stressors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

Well, in this case, step back and chill out! Why are you driving yourself crazy? Your mom is fine! I think most of us thought your mom lives with your sister, your sister has had it and they both drive each other crazy. Stop picking up the phone. As PP said, if it's a real emergency, the facility will reach out to you. You're literally driving yourself up the wall for no good reason. You don't need to contact your sister and mom all the time. If you get anxious and need to know, contact the facility and have a go-to person there. After all, you're hiring the aides!

Op here
I don't contact them all the time. I probably talk to my Mom once a week at most. I keep the calls short, which isn't hard bc she can't help but go after me every time we talk. So I get off the call when that happens. I text sporadically with my sister. We don't talk on the phone.

I don't get anxious and need to know. I have been trying not to go fully no contact. I was sharing that Mom has gotten so much worse/more aggressive toward me as her health has gotten worse. I've tried being empathetic to her declining health but that isn't wanted.

My Mom isn't in a facility it's independent living there's no staff there. That's why I hire and manage the home health aides through an agency. I often do ask the agency to give me an update on my Mom when I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't have to call.

The worse my Mom's health gets the more she goes after me. She's understandably stressed and afraid given her terrible prognosis, her way of coping with her anxiety is to take it out on me. It's just been a lot to deal with the further escalating anger she has toward me on top of my job, my family's needs, etc. - and frankly I've had no space to grieve the upcoming loss of the Mom I wished I had, let alone the one I actually have.

This is all expected, OP. Of course she comes after you, who else? People like this are afraid of dying, really really afraid, and they lash out. Seriously, like PP says, you don't need to contact her at all. Just fall off the Earth. Communicate with your sister and the agency. The more empathetic you get, the more monstrous she'll be. She'll try to get any energy out of you as she doesn't have any. It's her survival mechanism. The only thing I am surprised about is that you still have not grieved, most people, me included, already came to terms with our horrible mothers and there's nothing my mom can do that would faze me at this point. The only way to get there is to communicate as little as possible, preferably not at all. Your neurological system is on high alert and every time you hear from her and she lashes out, you get another hit. Your mom will be happy to do this as long as you let her.

+10000 I am the PP who hired a care manager. Before we did, I used to curl on the floor screaming every time mom called and I heard her voice on the answering machine screeching "pick up"

+10000 I used to be wet with sweat before doing my obligatory weekly calls, looking pale as a ghost. I'm an educated professional, I have done college level teaching in front of hundreds of people. It's fascinating what these monsters can do to us. I eventually ended up in an ER with a racing heart, this was my wake-up call.

OMG, I just posted, but after a particularly bad interaction where mom raged at me at the top of her lungs I had a racing heart beat for hours and debated if I needed to the ER. I also almost got into a car accident because before I left the house, I listened to one of nasty voice mail messages and I couldn't focus while driving. Those and losing my will to live were what pushed me over. I was never actively suicidal, just obsessed with the idea the only way this behavior would stop is if I were dead. If I did more, she would be just as bad.

[Anonymous]

I see you said she can afford AL. Then she can afford geriatric case management. The will manage everything and your sister can step back. I would also want your sister reimbursed for all her time. If you sister refuses case management then let her be locked in codependency and know you that you gave her a chance to be step back completely and she did not want it. To be honest, the case worker does a better job than we ever could because she has the connections to implement whatever is needed and it's not personal. They also are trained to deal with difficult elderly because that is often a large percentage of their caseload so she could probably figure out how to win over your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP I am with you 100% and have posted about my own psycho mother, but I do want to ask, what you mean that your mom helped your sibling with kids? Personality disordered people usually don't do much.I too lived bear parents and I wouldn't say they really helped much.

They expected us for holidays and didn't make it a choice. First they made it clear they would not babysit, but then when they saw the kids gave them more attention when we weren't there, they wanted to babysit, but not change diapers and not for very long and not often. We could barely go to a closeby meal and occasionally they called during it. They expected the kids to be little dolls they could show off to their friends. They also had little tasks for us. Now they were a number we could use on emergency contact forms, but if we ever used mom, I'd never here the end of it. Of course, mom played martyr about what an amazing support she was even though they did not help in any dire situations and we were called for many emergencies.

So, really it was much easier to hire a babysitter or any help we needed and pay for the freedom from emotional bondage, guilt trips and this insistence we kiss the ring over and over again.

My point is....if she has a personality disorder, I don't think there was help there and many of us delude ourselves we can create a warm family. Your sister doesn't deserve this, but she has to be willing to set her own boundaries and outsource it all.

[Anonymous]

OP I am the person who keeps saying get a geriatric care manager and who curled up on the floor when she called.
The care manager said my mother was a narcissist. I asked why wasn't I one too. She said,"it's because YOU have empathy. Your mother never did and never will."
We cannot change them. We can change how we react. We can change what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the person who keeps saying get a geriatric care manager and who curled up on the floor when she called.
The care manager said my mother was a narcissist. I asked why wasn't I one too. She said,"it's because YOU have empathy. Your mother never did and never will."
We cannot change them. We can change how we react. We can change what we do.

Multiple people have suggested a care manager and OP stated she will look into it.

I think it’s a mistake to engage in all this internet diagnosing- and if your mom’s care manager isn’t qualified to make a diagnosis, she shouldn’t be either. OP stated her mom had a personality disorder but I don’t think she stated which one. We provide better help and support when we listen to what’s actually happening and respond to that instead of labeling and projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the person who keeps saying get a geriatric care manager and who curled up on the floor when she called.
The care manager said my mother was a narcissist. I asked why wasn't I one too. She said,"it's because YOU have empathy. Your mother never did and never will."
We cannot change them. We can change how we react. We can change what we do.

Multiple people have suggested a care manager and OP stated she will look into it.

I think it’s a mistake to engage in all this internet diagnosing- and if your mom’s care manager isn’t qualified to make a diagnosis, she shouldn’t be either. OP stated her mom had a personality disorder but I don’t think she stated which one. We provide better help and support when we listen to what’s actually happening and respond to that instead of labeling and projecting.

Are you saying that people with diagnosed personality disorders can change?