WWYD? Elderly parents out of state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Be prepared to accept that your sister will always resent you for not being there. Even if it's not rational. The other PP is correct about distance. The only thing your sister gets out her immense labor is (the childcare, of course, but she's already forgotten that) the perverse satisfaction of being able to say, for the rest of her life, that she was the primary caregiver for her mother and that her sibling stayed far away and "refused to help". That's how she's spinning it. You've read such posts on DCUM, from overworked children who care for their parents and whose siblings are far away...

I am sorry but I am not understanding when you write that that is how the sister is "spinning it". OP's sister IS the primary caregiver and OP is far away. There is nothing to spin.

The spin is that OP is refusing to do more, which is a lie. She wants to do more and has suggested many options. What the parent and sister want is for OP to actually uproot her life and be there on the daily, which is not a reasonable ask. So the spin is the usual "poor me, I'm all alone taking care of my parent while my sibling lives her life", which does not tell the whole story.

You sound like the sibling who lives far away and does nothing. Hope you can live with that. I sincerely do- it's going to be a burden of regrets.

[Anonymous]

Our mother is 90. She's always been a PITA. We have two siblings who live near her -- a sister who never liked her, and a brother who has always loathed her. My sister now does just about everything for her. My brother does nothing.

I send money and leave everything up to my sister. So far as I am concerned, it's my sister's choice to do what she's doing. If she wants to do less for our mother and we need to pay someone else to step in, fine, I'll send more money. But the choices she is making when it comes to how and how not to help are her own.

The big difference between our dynamic and OP's is that my sister is mature enough to recognize that these are her choices and that we couldn't do more because even if we wanted because -- as others have said -- we are NOT THERE.

My advice is to disengage.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

You are not wrong that emotions are high and while I've lived far away for 30 years now I know I'm sensitive about being aggressively criticized about "ruining the family by moving" because it's been going on regularly for 30 years - even in times when things are ok and there's nothing going on. I've been able to be more detached or manage dealing with it in the past and I'm working on it.

I hear you and understand that asking my sister what I can do to help is probably not helpful. I also understand the caretaking is falling on her so I guess I thought I was being sensitive to that. There actually are some things I could do remotely to help but she wants to do them.

To clarify, the aggressive attacks are coming from my Mom. Rarely from my sister. She just acts resentful, which I can understand and handle.

In this case Mom reached out to tell me that I'm horrible, that I don't care and my sister needs help and I'm not providing it. That's why I reached out to my sister to ask this particular time.

For 2 years now I have been the person arranging the home health aides off and on as they have been needed. That is something my Mom has wanted and how she has wanted to be cared for (she refuses assisted living and can afford to pay for this option). I do it to help and also so my sister doesn't have that to manage too. It is more work than you'd think bc my Mom is difficult and consistently arguing with and rejecting aides which I navigate and deal with the company about. I'm fine doing it as I genuinely do want to take some things off the plate.

I did offer to take on working out the palliative care. Help was declined and I was told there was a call next week with the doctor about it (they are doing it, it's too difficult to patch me in too).

Honestly, even just writing all that out and reading your responses has helped. I in know way believe I'm a victim here. I always have acknowledged all that my sister does.

I'd just love to figure out how to better navigate this as it's not ending soon. It's hard to process and grieve what's coming when I'm being verbally punched in the face by Mom on the regular.

I'm grateful for the perspectives, as we live in an area with so many transplants who also likely have families elsewhere. I just want to try and do what I can. I have to learn to become ok with the resentment that comes with me living elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Be prepared to accept that your sister will always resent you for not being there. Even if it's not rational. The other PP is correct about distance. The only thing your sister gets out her immense labor is (the childcare, of course, but she's already forgotten that) the perverse satisfaction of being able to say, for the rest of her life, that she was the primary caregiver for her mother and that her sibling stayed far away and "refused to help". That's how she's spinning it. You've read such posts on DCUM, from overworked children who care for their parents and whose siblings are far away...

I am sorry but I am not understanding when you write that that is how the sister is "spinning it". OP's sister IS the primary caregiver and OP is far away. There is nothing to spin.

The spin is that OP is refusing to do more, which is a lie. She wants to do more and has suggested many options. What the parent and sister want is for OP to actually uproot her life and be there on the daily, which is not a reasonable ask. So the spin is the usual "poor me, I'm all alone taking care of my parent while my sibling lives her life", which does not tell the whole story.

OP here - thank you.

[Anonymous]

Reading your update, you have to give yourself grace. It's not a failing to move elsewhere for a job and live your life there. It's unreasonable for a parent to demand you HAVE TO BE THERE for her, even though you have your own life and family. You sound like a kind person and your mom sounds like a monster. Acknowledge that. She's at the end of her life and willing to grasp at any straws, and for her it's fine if everybody else drowns as she's dying. In fact she prefers that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Be prepared to accept that your sister will always resent you for not being there. Even if it's not rational. The other PP is correct about distance. The only thing your sister gets out her immense labor is (the childcare, of course, but she's already forgotten that) the perverse satisfaction of being able to say, for the rest of her life, that she was the primary caregiver for her mother and that her sibling stayed far away and "refused to help". That's how she's spinning it. You've read such posts on DCUM, from overworked children who care for their parents and whose siblings are far away...

I am sorry but I am not understanding when you write that that is how the sister is "spinning it". OP's sister IS the primary caregiver and OP is far away. There is nothing to spin.

The spin is that OP is refusing to do more, which is a lie. She wants to do more and has suggested many options. What the parent and sister want is for OP to actually uproot her life and be there on the daily, which is not a reasonable ask. So the spin is the usual "poor me, I'm all alone taking care of my parent while my sibling lives her life", which does not tell the whole story.

You sound like the sibling who lives far away and does nothing. Hope you can live with that. I sincerely do- it's going to be a burden of regrets.

PP you replied to. I'm an only child. You sound like you're projecting your own issues on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading your update, you have to give yourself grace. It's not a failing to move elsewhere for a job and live your life there. It's unreasonable for a parent to demand you HAVE TO BE THERE for her, even though you have your own life and family. You sound like a kind person and your mom sounds like a monster. Acknowledge that. She's at the end of her life and willing to grasp at any straws, and for her it's fine if everybody else drowns as she's dying. In fact she prefers that.

And if that's was the totality of the story, I think OP would be fine with that. It's just sad that the sister is a chip off the old block and is perpetuating the guilt trip. Maybe OP should just give up and disengage. Actually, she should tell her sister that:

"Sis, I've had it up to here after 30 years of your bullying me about moving away. Moving away is what normal people do, for work and a better quality of life. If you want me to not help you at all and not contact you or Mom, I can do that. You don't get to refuse my help and in the same breath, criticize me for not helping enough. You cannot forever blame me for not being there. You chose to move back to get free childcare - it wasn't all out of the goodness of your heart. Don't think you're a martyr here. I want to help, but if that means dealing with your constant guilt-tripping, then I'm out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t need you to dictate or tell her how to do it. Offer to come out for a week a few times a year to give her a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Sure, but then the OP has been "away" for 30 years, so the actual arrangement of day-to-day care didn't happen yesterday, mom had 30 years to "get ready". The problem is that the mom thinks that only her well-being matters and has been of this position since the OP flew the nest. While the mom thinks the OPs job, kids and husband don't matter... to a normal person they do! The OP has been conditioned that she is "bad" because she moved away and she feels guilty about this! At the end of the day we're not all going to have to set ourselves on fire, because the elder is at the end of their lives. The OP is already doing what she can and more than most adult children who live far away. The rest is just manipulation and wishful thinking. Sure, the sister is fed up, but then that's what she signed up for when she moved with her family under mom's skirt 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I personally would hire somebody to do the caregiver hiring etc and just stop contact. Getting punched in the face is a choice if you keep putting your face in reach.

[Anonymous]

Do any of the siblings have more money to throw at the problem, or does the local sibling just want to be a martyr (and blame OP in the process)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Sure, but then the OP has been "away" for 30 years, so the actual arrangement of day-to-day care didn't happen yesterday, mom had 30 years to "get ready". The problem is that the mom thinks that only her well-being matters and has been of this position since the OP flew the nest. While the mom thinks the OPs job, kids and husband don't matter... to a normal person they do! The OP has been conditioned that she is "bad" because she moved away and she feels guilty about this! At the end of the day we're not all going to have to set ourselves on fire, because the elder is at the end of their lives. The OP is already doing what she can and more than most adult children who live far away. The rest is just manipulation and wishful thinking. Sure, the sister is fed up, but then that's what she signed up for when she moved with her family under mom's skirt 20 years ago.

I'm the PP and don't disagree with you at all. There is no good solution here. And OP has to wrap her head around that fact. And again, I feel for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.

That does change my opinion a bit. I hadn't realized your mother had such an "easy" life. Your sister is doing a lot, but in the grander scheme of things, it's not as nearly much as she could be doing if your mother was indigent and didn't have all this help. In this context, I find the guilt-tripping completely and utterly ridiculous. Of course your sibling doesn't see it that way, because she's in the weeds, and has formed a narrative in her mind, and... I perceive that you all tend to get super stressed out and reflexively start blaming each other. It's in your DNA, apparently.

I think you should step back. Your sister is going to blame you regardless! I wouldn't entertain anything your mother says, she's mentally ill. Don't pick up the phone all the time, and when you do, believe only half the drama, OP. Nothing is an emergency if she's well enough to tell you about it - if it was, someone else would have to get on the phone to tell you, you see what I mean? Creating some distance will reduce your stress. Your sister has made her bed. There's nothing much for you to do here.